Lost Souls and Infinite Fate
by nessieness
Summary: Bella's living the only life she thinks she can handle. When a pass though another city stops life as she knows it, can she cope with harsh reality, tattooed tragedies , and finally living around the fear? Lemons too!
1. The open Road

HIII! So since this is my first story go easy! Give criticism if you must and any and all advice I would want to help the story out. Some Cases and backgrounds in this story will be harsh. Warning! I don't mean to offend anyone if I hit home on a certain subject so please do take it to heart it's just a story. I really hope you enjoy I will be posting pics and such of people or tats or really anything I can to help you visualize it better. If there's something you want explained or a picture of ill try my best. And also RATED M so be warned it has lemony juice and pulp all up in it! Enjoy. Let's get this started!

Emmett: Wait!!!! I don't want it started yet…

Me: what the? It has to be started. It's a story duh.

Emmett: no! I protest against things all who agree say "Ai"!!!

……………

Me: um listen vato its silent so imma start. Wait .. Why are in this chapter? Nobody knows you yet! You're ruining my story! Leave! Go to future chapters!!

Emmett: HAhahah that's right I snuck in this chapter and you can't write me out! Ha!

Me: I didn't want to have to do this but you're making me….

Emmett:………….. do what?

Me: no lemons for Emmett

Emmett: *gasp* fuuuuck that I'm outta here and I'm taking my lemons back bitch! You can't have them I won't let you own my lemons!

Me: Haha but I do. I own all your lemons.. Your just lucky Stephanie Meyer owns twilight and all its characters or you would be the big buff ballerina!

Chapter 1 The Open Road

Chapter song: lost highway- bon jovi

'I don't know where I'm going  
But I know where I've been  
Now I'm afraid of going back again  
So I drive, years and miles are flying by'

* * *

I love the way the trees look as we pass them by or the way that farther you drive the clouds change shape, move, leave, and disappear. Like all my problems, they just leave the further we travel. And I'll never go back, I'm different and better, most of all stronger. The memories don't even have a place in my mind anymore it's as if my past never happen but just as that thought passes through my mind I look in the rear view mirror and I see myself and I know. I know what's happened what will always be a part of me and it did happen.

"Can I change the cd? Seriously we've listened to your damn Bon Jovi for an hour I can't take it. Its shit!"

And just like that I'm brought out of my suffering even if he is saying crap about my music. "Yeah, that's fine."

Ethan whips his face around to look at me from the passenger side of my baby "What the fuck is wrong?"

"What are you talking about? I just told you that you can change it after all your bitching now that's not okay?"

"No. you just never let me get away with ragging on your music... Where were you just now then? In the past?" Ethan asks me softly. But then again if he brings up the past he's always careful about it.

I scoff "Psht no I was trying to figure out where we're headed to next since you haven't decided." I almost crack a smile at his disbelieving face but that would be an even deader giveaway that I just lied.

"Shitiest liar in the world" he mumbled

"Excuse me?"

Ethan looks over at me with his perfect smile, you know the ones that show the blinding teeth and crinkle at the eyes and I can't help but giggle a little.

"Dearest Bella I know where were gonna go I was just waiting for you to ask"

My god he could have just told me already. "So where then?"

"Abbotsford. Its Wisconsin first city. There isn't much but when is there ever when we stop at the towns we do."

"Is everything alright?" Ethan is always excited to go to a new town. It's both our favorite part.

He blew out a harsh breath and looked determined."I wanted to talk to you about something… I just I don't know…."

I was starting to get nervous and my hands started to sweat. He hasn't even said anything bad yet and I'm already freaking out.

"Okay look. I want to go to a city like a real city. We always stop at towns 'nd its great but I just want maybe a month or two of somewhere big and adventurous but I get it if you don't wanna it's cool ya know ah shit balls never mind forget it, it's too much I know I -

"Hey! Calm the fuck down... Jeez "

"Shit sorry B I just don't want you uncomfortable."

"No don't worry about it we can go. Where did you have in mind? I mean Wisconsin isn't really exciting."

"Seriously?"

I nodded without looking away from the road

"Alright! Well how about Chicago Illinois it's about six hours away from Abbotsford. What ya think?"

"Sounds good to me. Just two months at the most right?"

"Yeah but um there's something else I wanted to talk to you about but after Chicago."

The way he said it left no room for argument about it so I conceded in just nodding again. In all honesty though I'm terrified... I hate this feeling. I shouldn't be scared of a city that's nowhere near the past but I am. What if I see him? Oh god what if THEY just happens to be there? I'm just going to have to brave this one out no matter how badly I want to run. Since that's what I'm good at.

I don't want hold to hold Ethan back even when I can't move forward. I'll always be stuck in this medium. A place that's not in the past but can't be in the future and rarely in the present. But for more than 4 years Ethan has been at my side. Always faithful and always protective. I remember meeting him and we had an instant connecting.

'_This is the house? It's so normal. Oh god what if by coming here I'm ruining his life. Oh shit! Oh fuck! I Gotta leave! Escape plan! Fuck fuck fuck. I'm outta here. '_

_Just as I went to turn around and get back into my '68 camaro and walk away from the house that has a possibility of having my father here someone stops me._

"_Excuse me? Did you need something?" A stranger said and in front of me was a boy about the age of late teens or early twenties. He was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. Slightly shaggy hair that was dark brown, eyes almost the color of black and an angular jaw. He's got to be at least 6'2 and intimidating._

"_Oh um no I was just walking the streets ya know…I'll be leaving no worries! Bye!"_

"_Wait.. You're walking the street, staring at my house in the rain with cut up jeans?"_

"_uhh"_

_All of a sudden he smiled warmly but that smile transformed his whole face. He looked so familiar._

"_Llisten I'm Ethan and since your soaked why don't you just come in and I'll get you some clothes and hot tea… No worries I'm not crazy or anything my father lives here to. Hes the chief of police if that'll make you feel better."_

"_Th-this is your house?"_

"_Yup come-on you're freezing"_

_I watched him walked up the steps and couldn't stop myself from following. Inside it was warm and homely nothing like what I came from. I followed into a kitchen and saw him start to make tea._

"_So what's your name? And what brings you here?"_

"_Oh umm my names Bella. I'm here actually to meet a Charlie Swan.. This house is the last place I know for his address."_

_His eyebrows shot up and looked at me curiously. I watched him take in my features and eventually his eyes narrowed suspiciously and he looked to be studying me. I knew what he was thinking. I thought the same thing when he smiled. And that's when I realized I was hoping with everything I had in me that this could be my father's house because the handsome man-child before looked almost exactly like me._

"_And why Miss Bella are you looking for Chief Swan?"_

_And I was stumped as to what to say. Here I traveled miles hoping for some saving grace and when I might have it I'm terrified to say he could be my father. And if he is then what if he doesn't want me or he's cruel and if he's not and I tell them my full name they just send me back. Nothing is ever easy for me! I swear. Jeez! _

_As if god himself heard me a man walked through the door and stopped me from answering. _

_Thank you sweet baby Jesus I swear to give a bum a buck!_

_This man was in a police type uniform and was slightly older but had brown hair and eyes obviously Chief Swan. The exact second his eyes laid on me they almost popped out and he looked two seconds away from a coronary. _

"_Hey pops! This here is Bella. She was just looking for you."_

_Chief Swan looked to Ethan then back to me and went to the fridge took a beer and chugged it right away, then walked right past me and into the living room. I just followed this Ethan fellow who followed chief. The living room had a fire place, a couch, and a TV. On top of the fireplace were pictures but only one stood out. And I knew the lady, Id know her anywhere. I picked up the picture and looked at a younger Chief Swan, a younger version of my mother, and a small boy who looked like Ethan. I turned around and looked to Ethan._

"_Your Renees son?" I asked with a shaky voice_

"_Yes."_

With that one answer my entire world changed. I found that he was 3 years older than me and we could pass as twins. I also found out that chief swan wasn't my father. But he became the closest I had to one. I now have a half brother and had a man I consider my father, a lot happened in that first week. Secrets revealed and lives changed and I'm grateful for it every day. Now I at 24 and my brother at 27 we drive to everywhere and anywhere.

"SMELLERELLA!"

"What!"

"I have to take a fucking piss and if you don't want me too piss on your white leather seat stop the fucking car!"

"Jesus ass munch! Why didn't you say anything when we were at that bug infested shit-hole town back there?"

"Well Sorry but we were not stopping in that nasty brother butt fucking town with goddamn bugs the size of squirrels so I can get diseases off the porter-potty that are only created when you fuck your own aunt. Now pull the fuck over!"

"Fine fine"

As I pull the car over he jumps out and whips out his disgusting cum rocket out and relieves himself as cars fly by. Only he wouldn't give a shit if his sister was standing by and he's pissing on a fucking cactus. Nasty bastard.

"I'm driving smellerella."

"Shut up with that damn or I'm going to start calling you crabby again." I snapped as I hand the keys over in his stretched hand. I walked over and got in the passenger side with a smirked on my face.

Ethan got in a second after me with a heated look."What the fuck B you said you'd never bring it up again! It was one time! One time! Stupid slut didn't say shit to me about it!" he fumed as he started to drive.

"Ohhh all I want to do is make you feel better be your friend even if it's just for a night. Let me help you honey." Ethan mimicked in a high falsetto voice.

"If I ever see her see her again…" he murmured still pissed as hell as I laughed my ass off.

"I…still remember you running…out of... the bathroom like… a …girl!" I said in between cracking up.

"It wasn't funny Isabella!" he huffed

"Of course it was. You made me look at your wanker because and I quote 'Bella there's something eating my dick! Get it off!' it was priceless except that I had to surran rape my seats I wasn't taking chances." I told Ethan still chuckling.

"Bullshit. I have to check every chick's pussy just to calm down and get what I need now."

"Well jeez aren't you the gentleman" I replied sarcastically.

"I'm going to take a nap wake me at the hotel Eth."

"Yeah. Yeah." He muttered still peeved that I brought it up.

I was awoken by my brother getting dressed and looking showered. He must have carried me to the room.

"Mornin'" I grumbled

"Hey I'm gonna get coffee while you get ready then well go look around town. Cool?"

"Sure."

(9 hours later)

"What the hell. They don't even have an actual bar."Ethan complained

"Eth we can just go to the half-time bar. It actually looked alright." I said to Ethan while looking at the ground as we continued to walk down the street. We just left the comfort inn again after looking around the town. It was small and just like every other place except Ethan didn't think their bar could be considered a bar.

"I guess. But I don't want to stay long. I just want to get going to Chicago, it's only 5 hours away so if your rested enough we can make it "

"Sounds like a plan."

As we entered the bar I could feel it, the panic, Scared that people would recognize me, terrified that someone I know might be here, afraid that they would see my flaws and see me as a monster and murderer.

As always Ethan's knows my inner struggle and puts an arm around my shoulders as I lean on him. He gets us beers and the routine begins all over again. A routine where Ethan becomes the over-protective big brother and I become a shell. I'm never here when we come to town, I shutdown, lock myself away. As if it will help me cope. I don't speak unless necessary and don't look anyone in the eye and Ethan… well Ethan, he just gives me reassuring jesters and fights my battles that I never do.

This is our routine around people. This is why we never stay because I can't. I'm terrified that if I stay people will eventually see me for what I really am, a dirty monster. That is also why we love the road. For me, I can let loose and be who I feel like I am, be the person that makes my brother happy. For Ethan he loves it because I'm confident and content which allows me to truly be me around him. Not like when were in a town or city I have to shut down to survive even a minute.

This is also a reason I'll never settle because I can't. Eventually I know Ethan will find a woman that will make him truly happy. Even if I'm scared of that I want it to come because he deserves it. And when that time does come I'll let him go and be on my way. I'll let him have his happiness and maybe by doing that it makes me a little less of a monster. I just hope I can make it through Chicago now.


	2. Living in the pharmaceutical daze

Me: This starts with Chicago so I hope you enjoy.

Edward: is it my damn turn yet?

Me: your turn for what?

Edward: to meet Bella! It's ridiculous! I want my fuckin' turn.

Me: well if you're going to talk to me like that then no.

Edward: I don't care I'm meeting her. And I don't give shit-balls what you say.

Me: What the hell. We already know you're going to meet. Why so eager?

Edward: I want my god damn lovin! And I already know nobody gives it like my girl so hurry the fuck up.

Me: you're nasty. That's private stuff.

Edward: I'm proud. She gives me all the right satisfying needs and believe me I'm demanding.

Me: *fanning myself* really? How demanding?

Edward: hahaha you wish you knew don't you. Now hurry up and say the declaimer so we can get some lemons to fulfill my needs!

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all characters of it**

**Chapter 2 Living in the pharmaceutical daze**

** 30 Seconds to Mars -Oblivion**

'The enemy arrives  
Escape into the night  
Everybody run now  
Everybody run now  
Break into another time  
This enemy of mine  
Divinity defines  
Everybody run now  
Everybody run now  
Everybody run now  
Everybody run  
Under the burning sun  
I take a look around  
Imagine if this all came down  
I'm waiting for the day to come'

**Ethan's point of view:**

"Eth, our worlds going to come crashing down at our feet." Bella said looking solemn.

"Smella what the fuck are you talking about, honestly that was some ominous ass message. How much shit did you take today?"

I knew this was a bad Idea. We've only been in Chicago for two hours and she's saying freaky ass voodoo shit. We had just left our hotel with two separate bedrooms, after getting dressed and cleaned up. I knew Bella took some ambient already and I can guarantee she has had a sip or two of red wine but shit I didn't think being in a big city was going to make her a fucking skitzo.

"Fuck you. Let's get a new tattoo."

Yeah… That was a message and in Bella translation it meant i'm-not-talking-about-my-drug –induced-mind-so-I'm-changing-subjects. I just rolled my eyes and answered "Sure smellerella. What did you have in mind?"

She scowled at the nickname an turn the her car around to head back to the tattoo shop about a mile back." Well I did want to get something that dealt with you, but now I changed my mind."

"Really?" Awww my baby sister wants something for me. How fucking adorable is she?

"Yes I WAS." She replied emphasizing the 'was'.

"Seriously bell, I like it. I want to get something for you too. What ya have in mind?" I acted non-chalant but I'm excited as hell.

"Uhh it's this thing called Celtic knot. You know they like weave together to make a tribal symbol thingy… well I'll show you when we get there but it means like no-beginning, no-ending sort of thing. Which I thought would represent us… or at least you seeing as how you're always there for me. "She rambled.

"Yeah? That doesn't sound too bad. I'll get the same thing." As I said this she started to look more animated.

Bella is special to me, she's all I got so of course I'd be willing to get a tattoo for her. When Bella came to my house just standing out in the rain with a huge jacket and tattered up jeans I thought it was hilarious and I felt bad and it wasn't until she came in my house that I noticed she looked a hell of a lot like me. The eyebrows crease in a perfect arch, her lips didn't have a hug dip but they were full, the dark mahogany hair was even mine, and when she smiled you couldn't tell us apart if we hadn't been different genders.

Before Bella I didn't hate my life but I didn't care for it either. I never really wondered about my mother Renee I just figured if she didn't want me, I didn't want her. I never even thought of the possibility of having a sibling but when Bella entered my world, I loved it. Charlie was a great father, he cooked horrible meals and raised me to be a man's man but I was more jovial than him. Charlie also loved Bella as a daughter even if she wasn't his. Bella completed our life in a way we didn't know was needed.

As for Bella as a sister, she's great. Naw she's fucking awesome. She's caring, self- sacrificing and loving and loyal. But sometimes I wonder how different she would be if her life was better. If they didn't fuck her over so badly. Would she be more of an obnoxious little sister or energetic and love being near people? I'm afraid I'll never know the Bella she was meant to be. Like I said Bella's great but they have really screwed her psyche. When she sleeps she's in a realm of terror but at least she doesn't scream anymore just whimpers and when she's awake she's constantly drugged. It's normally to alcohol either red wine or straight vodka. But if she's more anxious or we have to deal with a lot of people then she takes her ambient , I don't blame her, the shit she's been through could make the devil himself shit his pants but it's hard to see her like that.

We had just pulled up in front of the tattoo shop called Volterra. And it looks unhinged as fuck. I swear inside better be clean or I'm high-tailing somewhere else I don't need a disease from a fucking needle to be shoved in me. Fuck that.

"You sure about this place sis?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Why? Is she serious? It looks worse than a rundown tribal land in Africa with questionable hygiene.

"Because it looks fucking nasty."I said pointing out the obvious.

"Oh please. Nothing could be nastier than your crabby crotch in my face." She scoffed

"God damn-it Bella I'm choosing another sister…"

She just laughed her ass of while getting out of the car. When we got to the door her hands were shaking. I knew it wasn't going to be easy for her to be in a place where people would look at her and ultimately going to her touch her somewhere and depending on where she was getting the tat they could possibly see the scars of the past.

I glared at some forty year old beer –belly fucker eyeing up my sister. Like he would have a chance. First he would have to get through me then get through Bella screaming bloody murder and embarrassing him for his shriveled up sardine of a dick.

"Hi ya'll! Welcome to Volterra." I looked up to melodic speaker and before me was a cock-stirring woman. Holy shit she was fucking gorgeous. She had dark brown hair with sky blue eyes that made me throbbing hard already. And Fuck! Her tits! I bet you I could nip and suck them and make her wither in all her special spots. I was having a hard time not groping myself for a second to relieve some reassure she's built up.

"Hello. My names Ethan." I said hoping to make her woman bits tingle.

"Yeah. And I'm Bella the sister that's cock-blocking right now."

What the fuck? I was about to tell Bella off when I heard an angelic chuckle from the lady with Gorgeous blue eyes that had me mesmerized immediately.

"Well I'm Tara. Could I possibly help you with anything?" She said straight to me.

'Why yes there is but it might get us public indecency but ill have you tonight no worries my dear' I thought

"Yeah we wanted to get tattooed and maybe I want another piercing." Bella said getting uncomfortable with Tara's innuendoes.

Tara smiled and replied" Well we have two artists but the piercing is going to have to be done by Edward. Alice is our usual piercer but her and another one of our tattoo artists are on their honeymoon. Is that alright?"

Bella still being wary and scared of being near people nodded hesitantly.

' Maybe I should warn this Edward dude to not fuck with her or ill kill him….'

Miss Tara with the most fuckable ass led us to some stations that were painted in checkered where I assume Edward and the other artist were working. One man was working on a chick and he was the biggest motherfucker I have ever seen with short black hair. And the other was sitting there looking like he was working on a piece. That guy had I want to say copper hair color but that shit was a fucking weird ass color that strayed everywhere, he looked tall and buff but not as huge as Andre the giant over there. Both men were severely tatted and copper-head had piercings.

"Edward I have some customers for you."Said Tara and walked back while Edward aka Copper Head looked up.

He stood up and was about 6'3 he offered his hand to me. "Hey man I'm Edward and this is Emmett."

"I'm Ethan and this is B. We wanted a tattoo together and I guess she wants another piercing." With this Bella nodded and he looked over to her and I could practically see his eyes darkening like a horny little fucker.

"Well we have no problem doing couples tattoos but we wanna make sure you know what you're getting into, their permanent obviously but that's some serious commitment." Copper-Head said while still eye-fucking my sister that he thought was my fuck buddy for life.

"Ohhh um Ac-actually he's my brother sooo…yeah." Bella stuttered out and allowing the trademark blush. Holy shit she likes him. No fucking way! Nope. Not gonna happen. He looks like he would fuck her fifty different ways then tell her to have a good day and be on his way. I'll kill this motherfucker too.

The moment she said it you could see him calculating way to get into her pants. "Well then there's no problem right? So how bout we talk about that piercing you want? Hop up on my chair and well get you started."

Bella hesitated in walking to his chair and I was just about to call this off because she looked slightly freaked out but she called copper-heads name and asked him if it was alright to get pierced in the private work room.

Edward quirked a pierce eyebrow at her and said "Sure, if that's what you want. Just follow me."

As I went to follow them Bella turn around and placed her hand on my chest. "I just want to go in by myself. No worries Eth. I'll be right out." I looked into her eyes just to be sure she was okay. As I walked back to the waiting seats I threw copper-head a death glare.

****

Twenty minutes, Just as Andre the giant or Em-whatever his name was, was finishing come dudes sleeve Bella and Copper walked out of the piercing room. As I searched Bella's face and ears for her piercing I couldn't find any, the only thing I saw was red as blood blush coloring her face. I knew Bella had other piercings that I haven't seen nor did I ever want to but to have Copper do her piercing in a special place was beyond aggravating for me. I just didn't like the way he looked at her.

"What you get pierced B?"I questioned her with narrowed eyes.

Of course she just puts an innocent face on and replies "Oh don't worry about it. You wanna show them our tattoo now? I drew it up awhile ago."

"Mhm sure" was my grand fucking response.

Bella pulled out the paper and handed it to copper and looked at him from under her eye- lashes. He looked it over; once he was done he looked at Bella with a fucking grin. I knew that grin, I've given it too tons of chicks and every time I did they were in my bed that same night.

'I'm on to you copper-fag-munch'

"This looks really good. Do both of you know where you want it?" Twat-waffle Edward asked.

I finally spoke up saying "Yeah I want it on the curve of my shoulder going down."

"Sounds good."He nodded and turned to Bella. "And you sweets?"

SWEETS?? What the hell? I'm two second away from going bat-shit.

Bella blushed a color I don't even think they make and timidly answered as she played with the hem of her shirt"Oh, um maybe on the back of my neck? Would that look okay?"

"Yeah Smella, It'll look good anywhere." I said before fag-munch could answer.

He looked at me as if sensing I didn't like him, and just stared at me, I suppose it would be an intimidating look if the person I was protecting was anyone other than my sister. But to bad for him I'm fiercely protective and staring is only going to make me think he's gay not tough. Except I suppose the fact that he was seriously eye-groping my little sister. So we continued to stare until Emmett/Andre the giant came and said he was ready and for me to take a seat. Just as I was about to protest Bella eagerly sat in Coppers tattoo chair.

And so I gave in just a little and sat with Emmett the big ass baboon and they guys started to prepare everything and started to hand sketch the art on our skin. Even if I was against copper-head, I had to admit they both had skill.

Right before they started I leaned over and took Bella's hand give it a squeeze to just reassure her that I was here and she gave me a watery smile and I knew this was important to her. Since we met we've been as thick as thieves but this more or less solidifies that were here for each other always.

The tattoo itself wasn't that bad just going over the bonier parts of my shoulder were a little tender but it was easy done and over. Bella's seemed a bit tenderer than mine but she did well. As we went to pay I slipped Beautiful Tara my room number and a time, which she accepted readily. .Pie.

"Bellsie Can I drive?"I asked as we headed to her one single important possession. She doesn't really like material things but no one gets in between her and her car. Even though she's ridiculous about it I have to accept why. She's put so much bank into it. It's a 1968 cherry red camaro with white racing stripes on the front, back, and top. Inside the seats are white leather and everything is spotless. It's fast, it's hot, and she calls it Cherry.

"I guess that's fine, I'm a little sore but be fucking careful fuck-face."And just like that my Bella's back.

I laughed and took the keys from her. "Aren't I always careful, you know I love Cherry too."

"Yeah, whatever."She rolls her eyes at me" So are you inviting that girl over tonight so I can spend the first night in Chicago all by my lonesome?"

"No, I invited that girl over so I can my dick sucked off."I stated as a matter-of-fact with a smirk.

"UGH! You're so fucking crude. Keep that kind of shit to yourself twinkle-Winkie."She told me as her face held a look of disgust.

"Twinkle-winkie? Isabella There is nothing twinklie about my winkie."

"Well the fact that you even called it a winkie is pretty damn embarrassing for you."

"Trust me. Hulkster is a woman pleasure, I can guarantee." Nobody can diss my man downstairs.

The car got silent and I looked over to Bella. She was looking at me with an incredulous look on her face.

"……What?"

"Did you just call your penis 'Hulkster'?"

"…Yeah?" I meant to say it stronger but it came out as a question.

All of a sudden Bella Burst out laughing so hard she bent over in her seat holding her stomach.

"That…is…th-the…funniest…." She stuttered in between laughs and didn't even finish the sentence.

"What the fuck is so funny Bella?"I was getting annoyed. I mean everyone had a name for their shit, so why was mine so damn funny.

She was still chuckling as we pulled up into the hotel and every time I tried to say a word she just laughed some more so I just shut the fuck up and stalked to my hotel room pissed.

About an hour later a knock at the door sounded. When I opened it my beautiful play-mate for tonight trotted on in and started taking of her clothes without even saying anything. So as I watched in complete awe, she looked at me and quirked an eyebrow as if saying to start following suit.

Soon me and Tara were both naked and feeling each other up on the bed. In all my years of getting laid nothing has ever felt this passionate.

I kissed her lips and let our tongues collide together as I pushed her on her back and leaned over her. I let my left hand travel down to her collarbone and every so softly lead it between her breasts. I took her left mound in my hand and massage it thoroughly as she moaned. Her moaning only fuel me more and I didn't think about what I was doing it just came so fast and naturally that I moved my hand down and started rubbing her clit.

Her hands traveled down my shoulders pushing me against her and she mewled as I put even more pressure on her nub.

"Oh god.. It feels so good… mm" She started saying breathlessly.

She moved her right hand and grasped my cock in it and squeezed. "Oh fuck...Damn."

"I need you inside me. You've been in my mind all day in so many different ways that I have to have you inside me. Now fuck me hard." She demanded

With that being said I thrust in. We both groaned in appreciation of the connection. I started off with slow full thrusts.

"ohh Ethan… ugh!"

"Feels soo…uh….fuck." I grounded out. I was losing myself in the feeling. So tight and warm.

Tara started to quiver more and meet me for every thrust as I speed up.

"OH! I'm so close "She whimpered "Faster, Harder…Something!"

I reached down and rubbed her clit in rhythm of each thrust and grunted as I pounded into her heated core. I lifted her Left leg over my Shoulder and the change made her cry out in pleasure.

"Ethan!! OHHH! UGH THAT'S IT!" She withered beneath me release which caused me to still. "OHH SHIT…. "I came inside of her and rolled over bringing her with me.

We carried this on into the wee hours of the morning and I was really started liking Chicago. I just hope this trip doesn't fail us.


	3. Law of Gravity

Disclaimer:

Alice: I have foreseen you saying something about a woman named Stephanie Meyer and Edward Cullen.

Me: hmm well I have no clue.

Alice: Just get it over with I know and you know what has to be said.

Me: But I wanna own Edward Cullen! Well… Maybe I want him to own me.

Alice: Yeah...That's gross. Now say it because you're really making me sick.

Me: Fine.* Stephanie Meyer owns twilight and all its characters and even Edward Cullen.*

Alice: That's was perfect! See I told you, you would say it!!

Me: But I own all my fantasies that involve Edward Cullen!

Alice: oh my……

Chapter 3 Shining in the Dark

So let me go out there  
I can breathe fresh air  
Stay with you all night  
Just let me love you  
Just for a while, want to  
Be with you all night  
Be with you all night  
Until I fall asleep  
Just let me be here  
I won't tell anyone  
Don't want to wake up  
The blind lead the blind so why can't I find my way  
This could be Heaven but I don't know where I am  
I am too scared to come out from behind here  
My body is aching, it feels like it's wearing me

Olive Grove Facing the Sea- Snow Patrol

Chapter 3 – Law of Gravity

* * *

**Edwards point of view:**

I once heard that people are only in your life for as long as you need them. Its bullshit. I can testify to that over and over again. For example I fuck a lot of bitches. Now I was mostly raised to be respectful but in order to have respect from me you damn well need to have some respect for yourself. And the bitches I fuck have no respect for themselves, which is fine by me because if they had some self pride I probably wouldn't be able to fuck them then leave without a second glance back or even remember their names. So I've had a lot of pussy and I don't need it but I want it so that's why it's in my life.

My boss he's such a fucking scum bag that I know I don't need him nor do I even need to work but I do it because I want to. I guess I could say that I needed my biological parents but then again I didn't need them after they gave me birth so that's that.

I don't give a fuck about to much in life. My Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle are probably the most important people in my life. Them and my co-workers. We all have a shitty ass history and I think that's what brings us together, well that and the fact that James is our boss. James is scum on the bottom of my shoe. He was some of our providers; we hung out and he always had drugs and woman any time and anywhere.

Fucking drugs. It ruined my god-damn life in more ways than I'm willing to consider. When I realized I was exactly like them I quit. It was fucking torturous. I may have mean a rebellious tormented little shit but even I knew Carlisle and Esme deserved better. Emmett realized this too and quit before I did.

And Emmett, that big ass mother fucker is a god-sent. My parents adopted him at sixteen when his parent's house burned down after a robbery. It fucked him up pretty bad and that's when the drugs started for him but he got off before me, although he was always a funny upbeat asshole even when he induced himself in drugs. He has got a good life going now with Rosalie though.

I've had a shitty life but have had people love my fucked up ass unconditionally and I still didn't give a fuck. And just as I was about to drowned myself in more of my damn demons that filthy whore Jane came out off the shower.

"Hey Eddie, Hun, could you help me? She asked as she gave me a coy smile while holding her corset out for me to help her put it on. I don't even know why she asks she knows the rule I fuck then you leave no other bullshit.

"No." I replied while getting dressed for work.

"Baby what's the matter? Need a little morning wakey before you go?" Jane seductively said to me and pointing to my morning wood.

"Jane I don't want it or I would have asked now get the fuck out you know I don't do stragglers. You want another round again sometime in the future than don't piss me off more and get the fuck out."

"Fine." With tha,t the bitch was gone and I was at work in about fifteen minutes. As I walked through the door I walked passed Tara. She's our receptionist or some shit, I don't give a fuck I've never really talked to her nor did I care to since I don't fuck co-workers.

As I went to start getting my working area ready Emmett came in. We were working double shifts since our other tattoo artist, Jasper, and our only piercer, Alice, were on their honey room for a month.

"Hey bro, I fucking hate Tuesdays…. We always get the same girly ass tattoos and lookers that don't even get shit." Emmett stated as he sat down in his chair.

"Yeah, well Tuesdays are supposed to be my day off so jazz man owes me big fucking time."

Emmett laughed as he rubbed his face to wake up a little more."Like jazz is gonna give up any time with Ali-cat to work shifts for your fagget-ass."

"Fuck you cum-guzzler." And this is how the rest of the day went on. We threw stupid bullshit to each other and every once in a while we would have an actual piece to work on. It was tedious as fuck and it wasn't until later that day that my world was fucked over sideways.

I was working on a piece of a dragon blowing fire against water creating a ying-yang symbol when Tara came up saying there were some customers and making her way back to do whatever the fuck she did. After I put away the piece I was working on I stood up and stuck my hand out to shake with a man with dark features and slightly shorter than me and almost as built as me.

"I'm Ethan and this is B. We wanted a tattoo together and I guess she wants another piercing." When he mentioned 'B' I went to look behind him I saw a short girl that could possibly be Alice's other mini me in the height department.

This girl had dark mahogany hair with red and golden tints that reflected the lights in the room and dark oak eyes that were so big and innocent and perfectly round and baby-ish face that still made her look years beyond her age. She was about 5'5 and had full tits I could fit perfectly in my hands with a petite waist but hips I could hold onto. All in all she was fucking perfect and completely fuckable.

Even though this fuck-wad was with her seeing as he mentioned a couples tattoo I still wanted her and warned them of the troubles of those tattoos especially seeing as I was eventually gonna have this girl in my bed. And finally 'B' talked and I knew for a god-damn sure that voice in bed could move fucking mountain seeing as my cock was being held back by a zipper otherwise I'd be slamming into her on the wall.

"Ohhh um Ac-actually he's my brother sooo…yeah."

And right there I put into effect the damn charm I've never known to fail since I started fucking chicks. Not to mention the relief I had at this fact and the jealousy I had at this Ethan fucker. And that was a major problem seeing as I never got jealous.

When I told the girl to sit in the chair she asked if we could work in the private room. Which of fucking course I said yes. And best of all she kept her fuck-twat brother out.

As we entered to room I noticed her hands started to shake less and she wasn't as shifty. This wasn't the first time I noticed her hands shake because out in the other room she seems slightly freaked out.

"So what is the piercing that you want?" I asked in a subdued tone hoping not to scare her off.

She looked at me from under her eyelashes, while playing with her hands still slightly wary which made her resemble a kitten in a way. And even though she was scared, the pure innocence that radiated off of her made me fucking hard as a rock. I wanted to be disgusted with myself seeing as she was completely terrified of people but I couldn't help it. The fact that she was so damn scared of being in a public place made me fucking wonder if her brother was just overly protective and sheltered her for far too long or that some bad shit happened to her.

"oh um I-I…. well you see one time I went to this piercer in Atlanta, Georgia and the…"she cleared her throat." Um well he was very touchy so I only got one done and then uh... Its well….."She trailed of looking completely fucking embarrassed. "Oh my lord, I can't believe I'm saying this to you." It sounded like she mumbled to herself.

"So this piercer in Georgia was acting fucking inappropriate?" I asked her in a hard voice and she looked at me wide-eyed most likely taken back from the anger just as much as I was.

"You see well… okay I wanted to get my ni-nipples pierced and I was all ready for the needle and he stuck it through and put the bar in but um after that he was saying he needed to make sure it would take and didn't pierce the wrong part so then he was feeling around my boob and after like a minute or so I started to get wierded out and then he just started messaging both of them and I freaked and ran out of the shop topless and bleeding. It was horrible… but I kind of wanted to get the other nipple finished." She said in a rush while looking completely mortified.

"Bull-fucking-shit you didn't press charges? Did you even tell your fucking brother?" I asked seriously considering asking her for the name of the shop so I could gut the son-of-a-bitch myself.

"Um…" She trailed off.

I took an unnecessary breath and spoke evenly "Never mind, so you want your other nipple pierced?" she nodded her head."Alright just lie down and take off your bra and shirt."

When I turned back around to start to mark where I would pierce here left nipple, I saw her tits. Fuck. I knew this chick was hot but honesty perfect fucking tits. And the nipple piercing only made my raging hard-on worse and it made me slightly possessive getting to mark her myself. I also saw that under her right breast was a tattoo following the curve around it up her rip cage that said 'Vivere Memento" in cursive. I could practically taste her fucking skin, which made me want to nip, suck, and lick all over her fucking chest and body. She would taste somewhere between strawberry and candy-apple, all fucking sweet and innocence filled with a shit load of deviance underneath.

I explained the process and after care to her again just in case while I cleaned and prepped her. Once I marked it even with the other nipple I grabbed the needle." Are you ready?"

"Yep." I chanced a look at her face and she looked excited and nervous still wrapped up in seductive innocence. It all sort of fit her and made her look fucking beautiful.

I put the needle through and guided the piercing in and started to clean and bandage it.

"So 'B' stands for something right?"I asked as she put her shirt back on.

"Yeah, its stands for Bella."

"Bella means beautiful in Italian." I blurted out….'what the fuck is wrong with me… One beautiful fucked up girl and I turn into a damn cock-sucking pansy, Emmett would get a kick out of this shit.'

She laughed and agreed.

"So, what does your tattoo mean?"We were both sitting now just talking.

"Oh. It means 'Remember to live'." She looked lost when she said this and all I could fucking think about was putting her back together, well that and fucking her up against my counter.

"Yeah? Why'd you get that?" Instantly curious I asked.

"Sometimes we get caught up in the past and are planning ahead for our future so that it doesn't go back to the past that we miss the present. I suppose I got it as a reminder to try to remember to live as much as I can because sometimes I feel so lost I can't remember how to just be here." Bella said in a quiet voice. She sounded much older then she looked.

"I get what you mean. Sometimes there's no hope for people who are lost." I informed her reminiscing on my own past.

Her head snapped and she looked at me with sincerity shinning through so honestly that it started to make me uncomfortable. "Oh no I believe your wrong even if it's impossible to see there is hope. Edward, sometimes were just too lost to lose hope."

We stared at each other for an immeasurable moment. Both of us just looking through the others eyes. She looked so soulful that in that exact moment I knew something changed. What it was I couldn't tell you. But it changed my world. It might have been something so fucking small you really couldn't even notice or fucking enormous but all I know is Bella was the reason for it and I couldn't change it back.

When we came back out of the private room Bella was covered in blush. As soon as we walked out her protective ass brother was right in her face. When she pulled out the tattoo, I could tell she drew well since this was hand written. I asked them where they wanted it. Ethan had said his should and Bella asked about a smaller version on the back of her neck.

Her brother obviously had a problem with me since he jumped at the first chance to out-shine me. When I looked up at him he just stared back both of us fighting over Bella in a theoretical way since neither of us truly had her. So we just stared trying to intimidate the other and I understood his protectiveness since I felt it to for her. She seemed weak and vulnerable when in reality I knew she could handle herself.

Emmett broke us apart and we all settle down to do the tattoos. Bella seemed to be vibrating with excitement. Right before we started Ethan reached out for Bella's hand and it seemed like such a personal moment I felt like I should look away.

Obviously they had an extremely close relationship. I felt better that she had someone there for her at all times and yet I had jealousy raging its course through me. I didn't know why I would most likely never see either of them again.

****

Soon after I finished their tattoos and they paid and left and we only had about an hour left.

"That chick was hot." Emmett of course doesn't have much other knowledge of the fucking English language that this.

"What chick?"

"Please. The one you had a damn hard for the entire time she was here." These are the fucking moments I want to beat the shit out of hit for.

"Bella's cool." Trying to be vague and not have to explain that I actually felt something more for her than just lust. When I said that there was a silence in the room for about five seconds….and then Emmett cracked up in laughter." Why the fuck are you laughing?"

"What the hell does that mean? ' Bella's cool.'" Emmett mocked in what was supposed to be my voice."Dude, first of all you said her name without some explicit name like bitch or whore after it and then you said she's 'cool'. Who the fuck says that anymore and you didn't even remark on how fuckable she was."

I had to agree she was completely fuckable but the protective and possessive side of me was pissed that he even talked about her like that.

"Shut the fuck up. You sound like an idiot Emmett. If Rosalie heard you talking about some chick that way she'd have your fucking balls in the grinder before you could open your mouth to apologize."

He at least had the decency to grimace then laugh again about my fucking use of vocabulary as if it so fucking weird to say she was cool…… I sound like a damn pansy.

As we were closing down the shop airhead Tara came in with a shit-eating grin singing 'I'm getting laid' in a sing-song voice.

"Ya know when you sing that damn song you sound like a whore."

"Oh shut the hell up Mason. Your just pissed I get to fuck a swan." She fucking snarled at me.

"A swan…… Seriously you know that's illegal in all states and I'm pretty sure in at least most fucking countries. I knew you were fucking sick but bestiality is right next to necrophilia."Of course this useless ass information was coming from Emmett.

"What the fuck Emmett? Are you retarded? She was talking about the fucking siblings Bella and Ethan SWAN. Which is their last fucking name you moron." Sometimes he can be so god-damn stupid I don't know how he past high school. Fucking dumbass.

"Oh. Well that's a hell of a lot better." Me and Tara just rolled our eyes and let it pass.

"Anyways, did you know that they are staying at a hotel? I thought they might have lived here but I guess it makes sense why this is the first tattoo they have gotten here."

This was news to me. Maybe they were on a business trip or just a vacation together. My interest in Bella swan was fucking inappropriate and yet I could stop myself from asking. "No I didn't. Do you know why there in town?"

Tara smirked and I realize I was way to fucking obvious. "Nope maybe I could ask if ya want." She asked as she cocked her head to the side as if studying me.

"No, I don't give a fuck. See you fuckers tomorrow." And with that I left.

I wanted to know. Hell, I even wanted to ask where they were staying but I pushed all that shit aside. Besides the fact that I would never see Bella again, There's no way in hell she would be interested in me. Then there's the fact I would probably be just poison to her. I wasn't the type to stick around; I fucked then hopefully never saw that person again.

I'm not sure how or why but Bella Swan entering my life felt like everything would change and even though there was no reason for us to see each other again I knew without a doubt we would definitely meet again.

* * *

Soo I hope it was good. Also Ethan's point of view will probably be the last of his unless it requested I just wanted you to see Bella in a different light. Thanks!

Nessieness!


	4. Rare Reality Check

Disclaimer:

Me: I hope you guys have enjoyed it so far!

*Emmett starts to chuckle*

Me: What's so funny?

Emmett: what? Nothing. Nothing just continue.

Me: OOOOOkay… Anyways it's been hard so far but I'm really enjoying it!

*Emmett cracks up again*

Me: what the fuck?

Emmett: Sorry. I'll be quiet now.

Me: Are you sure? Why the fuck are you even laughing?

Emmett: Just forget about it and continue!

Me: Alright so anyway I think it'll be really long but I'll make sure it is productive and responsive.

*And Emmett laughs hysterically now*

Emmett: That's…. what she…. Said!!!!!!

Me: Excuse me?

Emmett: After every sentence you said if you say 'that's what she said' it makes it sound so fucking dirty!

Me: Are you serious? I was talking about my story!

Emmett: so what?

Me: I've got two words for you buddy.

Emmett: And what are they?

Me: Grow. And Up.

Emmett: That's 3 words

Me: you know what I meant!

Emmett: no I didn't.

Me: that's it! You drive me insane! I'm killing you off!

Emmett: What? You can't do that…. Im already dead.

Me: no you're not….

Emmett: YES! Remember ***Stephanie Meyer; the lady who owns Twilight and all its characters***… Well she created me dead. Hellooooo! Vampire Here!

Ch. 4 A Rare Reality Check

'_Had a bad day, _

_don't talk to me,__gonna ride this out,_

_My little black heart, _

_breaks apart,with your big mouth_

_ I'm sick of my sickness _

_Don't touch me, you'll get this._

_I'm useless, lazy, perverted,_

_and you hate can't save me,_

_You can't change me,_

_Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,_

_And everything, everything's my fault.'_

_*Save me- Unwritten Law*_

* * *

B**ella's point of view:**

I'll admit I hate big cities and highly populated anythings. Yet truth be told I actually enjoyed Chicago, I'll never tell this to Ethan because his crazy ass might suggest going to another city. This was absolutely out of the question. Even though I enjoyed it I still feel anxious to leave and I've been using my anti-anxiety meds double time since I've been here.

We're coming to the ending of our second month here in Chicago, so we'll be leaving in about a week and a half and I couldn't be more excited! Back in my comfort zone driving cherry cross country again! I miss it so much.

But here we've been to the Art Institute of Chicago and gotten a tour of the Chicago Theatre. Which I loved! But most of all it was the Chicago chocolate tours that did me in! I've never seen so much chocolate or how it was made or just gosh…. I love chocolate! We also did other things like a tour of the navy peer and loop millennium.

Chicago doesn't always look the best but some parts were seriously amazing. If I would ever choose to live in a city it would without a doubt be Chicago. But that's never going to happen so that ends that thought.

Out tattoo's were healing great! I had to use two mirrors to see mine but it still looked good. Thinking of the tattoo's also made me think of the tattoo artist. Edward. And the mere thoughts of that man set my kitty on fire.

I wouldn't normally act this way … I mean sex was always okay for me but nobody actually got me off I always ended up having to go back and do it myself when my one night stands left. So because of I have had sex twice since I've been in Chicago then gave up trying to have those men actually give me a decent release and just been using my personal savior "Wand…James Wand" My vibrator. He has been helping get my release after every wet dream I've had of Edward.

Besides my naughty thoughts of Edward I've tried not to think about him. Mostly because I don't get attached to people that I'll never see again. But that day at the shop there was something about Edward that pulled me toward him. I wanted to crumble every wall that was built behind those emeralds and the insane safe feeling I got from him had me uncomfortable. Not because I didn't want to feel safe but because he was just a guy in some tattoo shop in Chicago… nothing more… at least that's what I was convinced. Just another face in another place.

So moving on to safer topics than -hot. Right now me and Eth were at the mall buying clothes.

"Can you just get your fucking size and buy a damn pair of jeans." Ethan was such a fucking chick when it came to clothes.

"No Bella, Just because it says it's my size doesn't mean it will make my ass look edible." As if this was the most obvious thing.

"Your ass…. What the fuck Ethan I don't give a shit what faggot eats your ass. We've been here for two damn hours and I feel fucking tired. I have a migraine. Can we leave? Please?" I asked with shifty eyes for those around us.

Ethan walked out of the dressing area he was in and looked intently at me." How bad is your headache?"

I smiled softly at his concern and just shook my head at him. "Don't worry so much Crabby. Headaches just happen you know this." I spoke softly.

"Bell's if you don't feel well you gotta let me know ahead of time. Is it the crowds?"

I cleared my throat and looked down being ashamed to admit that it is the crowds making me overwhelmed. " Naw forget it. Lets just get your special ass-licious pant's and go."

"Sure thing." With that He got his pants and we went to the car and Ethan drove giving me a break to deal with my anxiety.

"You hungry Smella?"

"Yeah. How bout that restaurant down the street from the hotel?" I asked Ethan. I saw it the other day and wanted to try it. It was a quant little restaurant built in brick and had what looked like green window shades and was called Mell's in big black round letters. The homey look to it invited me in since the moment I saw it.

"Alright." Ever since the malls little incident he has looked troubled. I knew what this trip was for. He believed maybe seeing a city that was new and enticing I would adapt a little, handle it better and maybe I would want to settle down. But the mall had proved that theory wrong.

I felt guilty that I couldn't give him this. Something so simple… Like a roof over his head or a definite place that would have a bed to call his own, pictures of us and times we've been through or a home cooked meal. These simple things I believe he wanted but would without a doubt give up for my comfort. I don't believe he resents it but maybe in his eyes it was a nice dream to have a home again. But I just couldn't.

He's had that experience of being in a house you called home. Loving the safety of a bed at night and the protective and comfort of a roof and a door but I had never felt that way. He could reminisce when you ran home from school just to enjoy a snack and TV but I didn't have memories that tied to happiness with a home. And I couldn't imagine being happy that way. For me it was the road.

As we were sitting down looking over our menus I couldn't help but study my dear brother. He held the menu with graceful and rough hands. The hands of a mans man. Muscular arms that rippled with movement and a packed chest that was settled in a navy blue faded shirt that showed his abs with black jeans and a chained wallet from his pocket that was being held by a belt with a gun buckle. His dark brown hair fell into his eyes that were framed with spatial lashes and perfectly angular eyebrows with a scar going threw the left one from falling off of a fence and deep and high cheek bones with sculpted lips that perfect the sweet bad boy package he seemed to portray. And though he could be angry and cold to people he always had a softness in his eyes that was reserved for me.

"thank you" I spoke to my brother in a choked whisper.

Ethan looked up in confusion and riddled with worry. He replied. " What for b?"

"Accepting me.. Or just dealing with me… I don't really know just thank you."

"Yeah well its not like I have anywhere else to be but once I find something better than you .Then I'll settle down." Ethan said in what was suppose to be a condescending tone.

I chuckled and played along. "Oh well I see, I just thought as your sister I was important but I see how you could care less."

"Good bitch." As he said this the old couple next to us were starring at him wide-eyed. The woman then proceeded to get up and march over to Ethan and use one hand to slap him and then grab his face with the other, which made his lips pucker out and was staring him in the eyes. Ethan looked scared shitless and his eyes looked like the were a millimeter from popping out.

It was fucking hilarious.

"Have you no manners?! How dare you say that to a beautiful young lady! Why… The nerve of you! I should take you in the stall and wash your mouth out with soap. Learn to treat a lady with respect or you'll end up in hell! Do you hear me? Hell, young man!" She screamed in his face. I could see the saliva from her toothless mouth spewing on Ethan's face.

Her husband walked up and put his hand on her shoulder and spoke to her in a gravely tone. "Edna leave it be. It isn't our place."

She turned her glare on him and replied." Isn't our place! Did you hear him speak to her Charles? How rude of him!"

"I know Edna but come along with me. Leave them be." With that they left and all the way to the door 'Edna' went on about how disturbing and down right nasty Ethan was.

We were still staring at their retreating figures and then I turned to Ethan slowly and just looked at his shocked form. Finally after a minute or so he turned to me with incredulous and slightly frightened eyes.

"Holy sweet baby Jesus."

I bust out in uncontrollable guffaws. "What…. The fuck… Was that!!!!" I said in between laughter. "OH MY… GOD… Your face …..So fucking funny!"

"No it was not fucking funny! Psychotic-heinous-demonic-hag! Did you see that look in her eyes, she was gonna fucking kill me! Holy fucking shit! "

"Lets get the fuck out of here before the old-voodoo-witch-bitch comes back." Ethan said in a rush.

I was still laughing when we reached Ethan's hotel room.

"Fuck, I still have the chill's I bet you she's cursing my name to Lucifer or, whoever the fuck ever answers witchcraft, as we speak."

"Oh Ethan, Calm down she was just an old woman who doesn't approve of foul language." I said still chuckling at him because he had this slightly freaked out look on his face.

"No Bizzie I swear the look in her eye was not fucking normal." He only used the nickname Bizzie for serious occasions. Which only made it more funny how serious he was taking that little incident.

We spent the rest of the day watching movies and eating crap food until a knock came at his door.

Ethan went over to answer it , while I was still sitting on the bed.

"Oh! Thank god! Your still here. We need to talk!" Came a females voice from the door.

"What the hell? " Ethan obviously was wierded out by whoever was at the door.

"Oh crap, You don't remember me do you? Of course not I didn't really matter. Well you didn't really matter either we just kinda wanted a lay and now were in deep shit! Like knee-high smelly ass shit! Oh god your not gonna care. Fuck fuck fuck. Oh lord almighty. Um oh god we need to talk!" Was all the woman behind the door said in a total rush.

I got up to go see who it was and stepped beside Ethan. I recognized her immediately as the receptionist from the shop we got our tattoos at and obviously so did Ethan.

"Oh wait, Your big titty Tara." Well obviously my brothers methods for remembering women were extremely caveman inclined.

"Uhh yeah uhh that's me. Can we please talk in private?" She looked scared and worried.

Ethan glanced at me with a look that said 'What the fuck is she on' I would have laughed if she wasn't as truly freaked out as she appeared.

"Its cool um… I'll Just be in my room. Soooo just I guess come and get me if anyone needs me." I told them as my leave to go I looked at Ethan one more time just to be sure he was alright with this and he slightly nodded his head at me.

"Okay Bella. Be safe. You wanna come in then?"

As I walked away I saw Tara nod at him but not really see him. She looked almost dazed almost as if she didn't really know what was going on and she was just going through the motions.

As I walked through my room I was only slightly worried. This has happened before. Girls always trying to get Ethan with them or go all mushy on him saying what they had was special. But it wasn't, in reality very few things are ever special. Because in the light of day things are never as they seem.

I would honestly hate when men play women and say special shit in their ear and none of that matters the next morning. But with Ethan I respect the way he handles his business. He lets them know straight away it isn't serious and won't ever be.

He's had very few relationships and only one was serious. And she fucked him over by fucking his best friend. Nice way to break up don't ya think. I swear if I ever saw that fucking bitch I would gut her. But after her he's settled for one night mysteries as he calls them. He says that the best thing about having one night stands are the mystery of not knowing who they really are, They could be a teacher or a lawyer or even a bus driver but for just a moment, for just a night they are exactly like you, completely equal. For just one night they need what you can give and they can give only what you need. He always made it sound so dreamy but truth be told in the morning its just a wasted night that only gave you moments of pleasure and a morning of disgust.

I laid on the bed watching black and white movies for what seemed like hours when Ethan burst into my room. I immediately went over and grabbed his hand and led him to my bed to sit. His hair looked crazy and he looked at me with wide-eyes.

"She's pregnant."

……. You know those moments when life as you know it ends. This was that moment. There were crickets making music in the background and it was as if an audience was stunned with suspense and I replied the only way I could at the moment.

"Well…. What do you think Edna would say to you now?"

* * *

So I hope you guys liked it.. I'm so sorry if it took forever I somehow managed to lock all my files and didn't know how to unlock them. But I got it! Fuck yeah!

Anyways the story will be getting slightly darker as we deal with Edward and the other fuckers.

Thank you!

'


	5. Forgive Me For My Failure

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

**Ch. 5 Forgive me for my failure**

**-'Talk by coldplay'**

**"Oh brother I can't, I can't get through**

**I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't**

**know what to do Oh brother I can't believe it's true**

**I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you**

**Oh I wanna talk to you**

**You can take a picture of something you see**

**In the future where will I be? You can climb a ladder up to the sun**

**Or write a song nobody has sung Or do something that's never been done**

**Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle,**

**you can't find your missing piece? Tell me how do you feel?**

**Well I feel like they're talking in a language**

**I don't speak And they're talking it to me"**

Bella's POV

We were staying…

That's the same phrase that's continuously played in my head for about a month. Because it's been a month since I had found out Tara was pregnant. Even as Ethan continues to ask me questions this is all I really am able to process.

"She doesn't want an abortion. So that leave adoption, raising it, or fleeing as far as I fucking can and paying enough child support so it doesn't completely hate me."

"Not an it, a baby"

"What?" He snapped

"I said that the creation between Tara and yourself is a baby not an "it"." I told him slowly.

"You haven't listened to shit I've fucking said, Have you Isabella?…Ugh! What the fuck!"

"What is it exactly you would like me to listen to… your going to keep the baby, That's a given, it's the way you were raised.. So shut the fuck up and quite pacing your gonna gray."

"You don't understand! What if I can't? huh? What then? What if I'm a shitty ass father who fucks his kid over or what if I take after Renee?" He trailed off as soon as he spoke those words, And although I knew he was sorry I didn't need to hear him apologize for voicing his own personal worries.

"You wont be like Renee.. She was never fit to be a mother and she always ran out on people. And since I've came into your life, you've been there every second even when it wasn't necessary. So don't doubt who you are. You and I both know your not like her." My voice barley above a whisper.

"I'm sorry.. B I'm honestly terrified.. Not only for raising a child but also for you and I….What's gonna happen to you?" I could feel his eyes burning a million questions on the side of my head but I didn't dare look up, To afraid he would see the answers he didn't want.

"I'm not sure.. Processing what all this means is taking a while so for now its just one day at a time.. It's all I can deal with really. And it's how I think you should be taking it. Just start by talking to Tara.. Get to know her. Honestly I believe you two should try dating and see how it goes. At least be friends for the child sake." And he knew, He knew by my change of subject what my decision was, all he needed was confirmation.

The worst part of all of this is that if I leave he wont be mad or even a little upset… He wont even be surprised maybe a bit sad and slightly hurt. But Ethan would never hold it against me.

As stressed as we were we decided to not think about anything and just have a Ethan and Bella day.

About a week after they found out they went to the doctors together to get a pregnancy test which turned out 100% percent positive and the conception date was perfect for when they had un-fucking-protected sex. Fucking perfect right? Well other than that event nobody really has talked to each other. I suppose right now is were everyone is in shock.

Tara, well I'm not sure what she's in shock for besides carrying a freaky little amoeba thingy in her.

Ethan, He screwed himself. Not because having a child does that but because he cant continue to be a man-ho while trying to teach a child to blossom and be respective with manners…

And me…. Well what can I say… I have two options, either stick it out and support Ethan or continue my life the way I planned.

To be totally honest I'm leaning to just continuing driving right on through because this wasn't my mistake it was Ethan's and unfortunately I have to tell him this. We were at the pool when I decided to bring up my decision…Ethan was slowly backstroking, he was wearing all black trunks and He looked so stressed. My natural response is to comfort and coddle him but if there was one thing that this unexpected situation revealed to me, its that we protect and hide each other so much that when something huge happens neither of us are prepared and can't seem to handle it.

"Hey!"

Ethan tilted his head at me; acknowledging me.

"Can we talk E?" He stared at me for a moment then swam to the side and hopped out. Ethan came and sat on the pool bench next to me as I turned to face him.

"I don't think I can do this." I wasn't even sure if he could understand me the words can out so breathlessly.

He chuckled humorlessly "Yeah…I didn't think you could either. Fuck it. I don't even think I can."

He sat their not meeting my eyes. In some sort this was or goodbye.. The only way we could say it after so many years of attachment. I knew I couldn't be on the road without Ethan but I knew even more that a life like Ethan was about to have was even less possible for me. But even these thoughts didn't stop the guilt from consuming my entire body.

"I'm sorry" It was my only condolence in a choked whisper. And Ethan being the protective brother he is just held me in a last protective embrace. Comforting me and supporting me without words even as his own tears fell.

To be continued…. Dun dun dun

Nessieness


	6. My Only Solace

So I haven't updated this story in foreverrr! I had given up hope on it.. but I was looking through my reviews.. ( which I only have 2 of) haha and I felt like I owe my one trusty reviewer for me to continue this story! My reviewer is TexasTwilight77 . And just know I'm sorry I haven't updated but I'm going to do my best to stick with this story and sort it out! This chapter is solely yours TexasTwilight77 . Hope you can forgive me :)

****Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.****

**Ch. 6 My only solace **

**Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird**

**Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.**

**Though this feeling I can't change.**

**But please don't take it badly,**

**'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.**

**But, if I stayed here with you girl,**

**Things just couldn't be the same.**

**Cause I'm as free as a bird now,**

**And this bird you'll never change.**

**And this bird you can not change.**

**Lord knows, I can't change.**

**Lord help me, I can't change.**

Bella POV

Most everything is sorted out now. At least for Ethan that is. He's gotten a condo and is looking for a job even though money isn't an issue for us. Both Ethan and I know we can't live off of what Charlie left us with forever and now will be the easiest time to find a good job. He says he may even follow in Charlie's footsteps and become a cop. I honestly couldn't feel more proud of Ethan than I did in that moment.

His condo is 3 bedrooms, granite counters, vaulted ceilings, plush carpet and as spacious as a condo would allow. It's not a mansion but it suits him. For now Tara is moving in with him and the last room will become the nursery. After he saw what she lived in he wouldn't even let her pack her own shit. Nor do I blame him it was like she was creating her own insect farm riddled with drug dealers and alcoholics. Not surprising in Chicago, those places seem easy to come by but seriously it was hideous.

Obviously she can't afford rent so they worked it out that she cooks and cleans. But they continuously fight…. And then have loud make up sex. It's fucking disgusting. They aren't together yet though I guess. I'm trying not to pry because honestly there situation is weird enough as it is.

And today as I know it is dooms day.

The day when I leave my brother with promises of visits and babysitting and calling at every chance possible. At this point I'm not even sure if he's worried more about the baby or me. He should hate me or at least feel betrayed.. but of course he lets me slide because that's just who he is.

Yet I know this hurts him, I know because he hasn't looked at me more than 5 times in the last 2 weeks. And never in the eye, he avoids conversations with me if he can and talking about Tara and the baby are always a buffer if conversations get to serious. This isn't like us at all and it kills me because I know I'm the reason for our broken relationship.

One moment I'm filled with so much guilt I can't breathe and the next I'm pissed because I've convinced myself he should understand why I can't stay and he is just being selfish and once those thoughts invade my fucking delusional head I feel guilty all over again because I'm such a selfish bitch I feel like I'm the only one with the shitty pile when I know I'm not.

And again that leads to right now because in this very moment I feel like the world has once again decided to fuck Bella over since I'm saying goodbye to my brother.

And it hurts.. no its fucking torturous.. it feels like I'm being torn in two and one side is drowning while the other is being let on fire. How can I be leaving him like this?

"No tears ballerina." A soft voice whispers in my ear.

I sniffle and reply "Yeah well then stop crying crabby patty."

"Do you know where your going yet?" Ethan pulls back to look at me with red rimmed eyes and a jaw that's set like stone almost as if it'll stop him from being weak. Like he's trying to hold me together by looking strong. Silly brother.

"Naw I figure I'll wing it and let ya know where I end up. Maybe I'll get lucky and see a bar sporting a mechanical bull. You know a town can't be that shitty if they have a mechanical bull because those are just bad ass." I say and look at him expectantly as if this made perfect sense.

Just as I expected he slips a chuckle from his gloom and doom face. "Yeah those are pretty rad. Full of bitches in short skirts that hopefully have managed to remember panties and ass sweat from drunk dudes.. Sounds like a blast. Just remember to take care of cherry I don't think I could live a day without her in perfect condition. " He smirks at me as he picks up my bag as if he needs something to distract him.

I snort quite unlady like and then roll my eyes as I follow him out to my car. I can see the tension in the way he is holding himself and when he thought I wasn't looking the distraught look in his eyes shot pain through me again but it also made me make my back a steel rod and pull through for the both of us.

I went ahead of him and turned on cherry while he loaded up my trunk I fixed my mirrors and closed my eyes for a moment to regroup myself. It was mere seconds that were ticking by but it felt as though this scene was passing through slow motion. I stood up and turned around to face Ethan and simply hugged him. His arms that have been my protecting safe haven for the last 5 years simply held me tight as if the minute he let go it would be my last moment in his life.

It was possibly 5 minutes that have passed that I finally opened my eyes and pulled back while keeping my arms around his ribs and he kept his arms circling my shoulders. I studied his face. His almond eyes that almost seemed burgundy because of the wateriness that was residing in them, the creases in his face that aged him beyond words and the way the front of his mahogany hair was much too long now and it fell into his left eye almost as if to shield him from the onset of pain I was about to cause when I drove away.

And then he smiled at me, almost accepting of what was to come. I returned it with one of my own and he started to let me go in more ways than one. He held onto my shoulders with a strong hand on each and kissed my forehead.

"Now remember Smellerella, Don't use porta-pottys, check crotches for moving bugs, always wear clean panties, do not play shitty music, don't ride mechanical bulls unless you've wiped it down yourself, don't flash cars just to hear them honk, and if you ever see a shooting star wish for Tupac to rise from the dead. Got all that?" He asked in all seriousness and raised an eyebrow.

And because this was the last thing I expected for him to say but it was what I should have honestly expected from him I laughed. I laughed so hard that he started to laugh and then we couldn't seem to stop. It was one of those laughs you couldn't stop but didn't really know why you had even started in the first place. And it felt amazing like our goodbye wasn't here yet simply a see ya later because at the end of the day neither of us has changed and were still Ethan and Bella no matter how many miles separate us. I can only hope we remember this when the miles start to fade and become distance between or bond.

"I'll miss you Ethan." And so I left with a kiss on his cheek and the only other place I've ever been able to trust.. the empty highway.

Hope I didn't disappoint! Tis short :/ but I've got my head back on with where this is going! Let's follow Bella on her never ending path to self-destruction shall we?

Nessieness


	7. Unwanted Revelations

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Ch. 7 Unwanted Revelations

Lincoln Park – New Divide

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes

Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between

Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned

There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow

And the ground caved in between where we were standing

And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

* * *

This place was so cool! Honestly I've been practically everywhere and I'm kind of favoring this city even if I'm facing it alone. Evansville Indiana settled in 1812 along the Ohio River. As I'm on the stadium where they hold special events alongside the river front I can't help but sit on the steps and reminisce on my brother. He should be here with me and just as I was starting to believe I can do this by myself the despair of missing him is holding my chest in an iron grip.

It was 5 days ago that I last saw him and the ride here was about 6 hours long. I barley even stopped just to fill up once and grab a snack along the way. Otherwise I've been in zombie mode. I'm seriously trying to do this, to become a daughter that Charlie would have been proud of.

In 5 days I've managed to only drink when I hit the bar and take my ambient as prescribed, which let me tell you, is an amazing record. I'm, by no means, not still addicted but I'm gaining control. Controlling my medication and habits is empowering. So that's what I've focused on. This small measure of control is something that may seem so miniscule to some but to me it's everything.

It's a distraction from the guilt, a way to forget, and a measure in becoming a person who isn't relying on her brother.

I realized sitting here is getting me nowhere even if I love the view and atmosphere so I start to head back in the direction of my car. As I head down East Riverside Dr. I start to look for something still open to eat at. I haven't eaten a good meal in so long. I'm dying for a juicy ass burger. And as if the gods hear my stomach, I spot Riversides Diner and BBQ.

I practically power walk myself inside and sit in the circular corner booth farthest from anyone else. Sitting here gives me a good view of everyone else and I keep a mantra in my head that no one is actually looking at me. This town is small but not small enough to know when a new Betty rolls into town.

This place is nice… well generic is more like it but it's cozy. Brown and tan is the main color their sporting and you can smell BBQ all throughout the diner. A few regulars that have conversations with the waitresses are scattered about, a family of five and a couple other stragglers hanging out at the bar area.

"What can I get for you to drink miss?" A scratchy woman's voice startles me so much I actually jump a little and turn my frightened eyes to her. She has short brown hair that's slightly curled and turning gray she must be about 50 and has skin that looks like it's as thick as raw hide. No doubt from smoking, since her voice can't be that scratchy naturally.

She tilts her head to the right but doesn't apologize for startling me. I smile softly and clear my throat almost as if I can clear hers up a bit too. I take one last glance over the menu and answer her to avoid the eye contact she seems to want. "Can I just order now? Would that be alright?"

"Sure what'll you have?" Why am I so awkward at this? How many times have I ordered food before and now it's like I've never spoken to another human before this.

"I'll have Diet Dr. Pepper and the BBQ burger. Oh! But with no pickles please." I'm quiet as I say this so I pray she doesn't ask me to speak up and I start to hand her the menu.

She nods her head and takes my menu. "What kind of side with that? We've got soups, salads, French fries, mash potatoes…" She lets her words linger on and I wonder if it hurts her to actually talk like that but I blink and answer her to get her away from my table quicker.

When she leaves I lean back and close my eyes. For just a moment I can sit and just relax until I feel little pins prickling the side of my face and I know I'll have to open my eyes to see who's staring at me. I try to ignore it but I just know I look pathetic. Sitting here alone with my hair in a messy bun that's tilted to the left and my sunglasses on even though it's dark outside.

Finally I give up and open my eyes and take off my sunglasses, the first thing I see is the roof; which is a slightly yellowy tan color. I assume it's faded over years and the smoke in the air that has caused the old piss decor and slightly down from my view I see a water stain and vaguely think about how much water would have to leak on it before it completely caves through.

"Hey there princess." And this I assume is the man who has been staring at me. I look at him and see he

must be at least 40 if not older, typical trucker looking fellow and I decide that moment that if he touches me I'll gut him. So I look at my table for a knife just in case but all I've got is a fork and spoon and slowly I glide my right hand to the fork and grasp it tightly because I'm fucking paranoid. Trucker Joe doesn't even take notice as he watches my boobies lift with each breathe and I'm thoroughly offended now.

I set my face in stone and lowly ask "Can I help you?" I have raised my eyebrow at him and I feel utterly ridiculous but continue to try to intimidate this asshole.

"Of course you can. How's about I sit here with you and eat then we go back to my 18 wheeler?" He slurs a little and leans forward almost as if to emphasize his '18 wheeler'. I'm not sure if having a big truck is equivalent to having a big foot but quickly dismiss that thought because this whole situation is so gross I just wanna leave and have a panic attack in the comfort of my hotel room.

"Um, no thank you." I'm feeling it. The panic that circles my body and closes in on my chest. Its owns me and binds me with invisible chains. No one can see them but I can feel them, so heavy almost like iron weighing down on me.

"Listen-"

"Babe! I've been looking fucking everywhere for you! If you fucking leave and pull this bullshit again I swear I'll choke you till I see your eyes roll to the back of your mother fucking skull. Do you hear me? Dude, get the fuck outta my way. Why the hell are you talking to her? Do you have a fucking problem?"

This man came burling strait towards me and Trucker Bob, fury encasing his voice when he spoke to me, at least I assume he was speaking to me as his almost black eyes were penetrating my shocked ones. Then his entire body became rigid as he addressed Trucker Sam and he shoved him out of the way and ripped me out of my seat by my arm. All I was capable of was to look at him in consuming fear because I'm so fucking confused at what is happening.

The waitress that had been serving me earlier came right over with hands on her hips. "What the hell is going on here?"

"What the fuck? Who the fuck do you think you are?" And now my trucker buddy is back outta his shocked stupor and I think I might pass out from my anxiety at any moment not to mention the dude still hasn't let go of my arm and is starting to pull me towards the front entrance.

"None of you need to worry about this. Go back to your simpleton lives. This is between me and my fucking girlfriend. So back the fuck off my sack."

As we get outside he doesn't stop pulling me until we've gotten to the side of the diner and I realize this is a horrible situation and now no one is around to see that I'm in trouble. With all this going through my head I start to hyperventilate and I can feel the tears collecting in my eyes. I feel my back hit something hard but my eyes are closed and finally I feel my arm being released.

"Hey…" The man softly whispered to me. "Look I'm so sorry but I figured you needed a way out, you were looking all shifty and kind of psycho so I just figured nobody would give me shit if I acted all caveman on you ya know… Jesus I didn't think that I would just make it fucking worse. Man, I messed up. I should really learn how mind my own business. Are you even breathing?"

I finally opened my eyes and took a deep breath and then shut my eyes again to regain control of myself. He sounded so ridiculous it's hard to believe he was the same guy that acted crazy in the diner moments before. I heard him slide down the wall and sit.

After a few moments in silence except my haggard breathing I looked over at him to see him with his eyes closed and head tilted toward the sky. He was a really good looking guy from what I could tell. He had soft brown hair that was slightly short and a strong jaw and perfect nose. He was dressed in nice jeans and a dark blue button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and some all black Nikes on.

"Well I guess I can start by saying thank you and I'm sorry for spazzing out on you." I could barely hear myself I was so quiet and I looked at the ground while I waited for his reply.

"No don't even worry about it I was just tryna help. You okay now though?" He sounded so tired all of a sudden so I finally looked over at him to see him looking at me with soulful hazel eyes and I simply nodded.

"That's good. I'm Riley Pierce by the way." He said with a gentle smile and stood up to offer his hand.

I shook his hand and finally started to feel slightly normal. He didn't even seem to notice the tremble in my hands. "I'm Bella. It's nice to meet you Riley."

He smiled so big and it looked so nice to something that held such genuine happiness that I felt myself blushing. "Yeah, well sorry we had to meet this way. How about I make it up to you by walking you home safely?"

"Yeah. That sounds nice." I blurt out because let's face it he's hot and I'm lonely and at this point being able to even talk to someone would be great.

He gestures his hand out and slightly bows acting a little dramatic but it makes me giggle. "Well Bella, lead the way."

And I realize I've just landed myself in a lot of fuckerey. I don't have a house for him to take me to and I have a car in this parking lot that I had intended to drive back to the hotel with. "Oh right. Um just follow me."

I figure I'll ditch the car just for tonight because that would be way too awkward to back out. I mean what would I say? 'You know what my cars in the parking lot so how about I drive us to the roach infested motel I'm staying at and then you can walk home. Thanks for playing my pretend boyfriend though! Next time let me actually eat first. Thanks!' yeah…. Not gonna happen. So I'll just take the embarrassment of being in a shitty hotel and deal with cherry later.

"-and then the tornado took away Frodo and he lost his ruby red slippers because you haven't heard a word I said but maybe if I keep talking you'll eventually catch on that I'm not really making any sense."

I came to a halt because I feel so rude for ignoring him. "I'm so sorry I just kinda tuned out!" He chuckled and just then did I realize what exactly he said. "Frodo? You mean Dorothy and her dog? She had the red slippers."

"Ahh well I think it would be way better if it was Frodo because he's so fucking small and could have handled those flying monkey way better you know." He looked at me and I noticed the space between us getting smaller as we continued to walk.

I shook my head and completely disagreed. "No way! If anything it should have been Jack Sparrow. I mean seriously they had a dude made out of tin, one of straw, those monkey's and the little guys! But no pirate? Even Dodge Ball had a pirate!"

"Bella, I think you may just be right." He nodded his head with such seriousness I cracked first and started to laugh. He looked over at me and smirked and let a chuckle slip. And might I say he really does look amazing. He has an air about him that makes you want to give him your undivided attention and even the way he has his hands in his jean pockets lets you feel relaxed with him. Riley Pierce is definitely a lady charmer.

After a few more minutes of mindless chatter I turned into the hotel parking lot and began making my way to my room. As I stopped in front of the door I turned around to look back at him and blushed when I saw the confused look on his face. I also noticed the calculated gaze he had on me as if he was trying to figure me out. "Well this is my humble abode." I shrug after I say this to play off the weirdness of the whole situation.

"You're staying here?" He furrows his eyebrows and steps closer so were only a foot or so away but I still have to tilt my head to look up at him.

I give him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm actually just passing through." I know this is going to get even more awkward in a moment so I decide that just for tonight I'm going to indulge in a rarity and even if he rejects my offer at least I tried. Right? "Would you like to come in?"

He looked down at me with an unsettling look looming over his face and then composed himself with a deep breath and nodded his head while he let his face transform into a smile.

As he walked in behind me the atmosphere was slightly awkward but he tried to make it somewhat comfortable I think by casually laying on the bed, propped up against the headboard. He watched me put my purse down and take off my earrings.

"Are you normally this creepy when a girl invites you into her room?" I tried to sound playful but my nerves were getting the best of me when being alone in a room with a man I barely knew. Silently terrified he might at some point recognize me.

His eyes sparkled with mirth and a smirk appeared as he answered me "Yes. Do you normally invite innocent young men into your hotel rooms?"

I laughed and grabbed the bottle of vodka and sat next to him. I took a long harsh drink and leaned forward a little. "No, normally I just stalk up towards a man I don't know and yell at him and finally pull him outside like a crazy loon."

"Ahh, well I'm beginning to see how this might become a beautiful friendship seeing as I do that too!" He took the bottle from me and drank a swab to then shifted placing one arm over my legs as they were crossed and this gave him the advantage of slightly towering over me and looked down at me.

Trying to push away the anxiety with the desire I began to feel I leaned closer so that we were only a breath away from each other. I looked into his eyes and darted my eyes back down to his lips as I watched him lick them. He chuckled a little and leaned forward to press his lips against mine.

As our lips danced together I slowly started to lean back and his body followed easily. With my hands on either side of his face, he held one hand above my shoulder to keep his weight off of me and the other skimming along my left side.

Our breathing started to get heavy and he shifted his body so that he was pressed much more firmly against me and groaned low as he pressed into me. I was slowly letting go of my anxiety once I let myself get lost in the sensations and let a whimper slip as I moved my legs around his waist seeking the friction I know would let me completely forget everything unpleasant. And just as I felt his hand move to my breast I heard a vibration slicing through our heavy pants and quiet moans. He pulled back to look at me with a troubled look on his face. "That better not my phone because if it is I may just kill someone." His voice was muffled because he lowered his head to my neck and pressed feather light kisses to it. I ran my fingers over his back but then started to push on his shoulder to get him to get up to answer it because whoever it was they were incessant.

"Hello?" The frustration evident when he answered. I watched as his eyes closed and his face softened. He let his head fall back and release a small sigh.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay well I'm in Evansville right now so it'll take me about an hour or so to get back. You gonna be okay until then?"

I started to get up knowing he was leaving and smoothed over my hair so I didn't look too messy. He closed his phone and shot me an apologetic look. Riley walked in front of me and dipped his head a little to be able to catch my eye since I had been looking anywhere except him.

"That was my sister. Ironically I came to this town to escape her for a couple days but it seems I can't even do that. I'm really sorry for cutting this short, I had actually planned on taking you back to the diner in the morning for some breakfast since I'm assuming you left your car there." I felt my face flush deep red knowing I had been caught but choose to not comment on it too much.

"S'okay. How about we walk back up to the diner anyways to get our cars?" I said with a resigned smile.

He nodded his head and opened the door for me. I thought back to what he said and felt a nosy question bubble to my lips. "How come you came here to escape her?"

We continued to walk to the diner as he told me how his sister suffers from depression. She's had it their whole lives and I could already see from the way he defended her depression that he loved her a lot and they were obviously close. But he also admitted that it takes a toll on him and lately he thought she was doing so much better that he decided to take a tiny vacation for himself. Just to let loose and not carry the weight of her problems bearing down on him just for a moment. And obviously that didn't last long.

"So you said it would only take you about an hour? You must live pretty close then." I said as we approached our cars.

"Yeah I didn't want to be too far just in case she needed me. We actually live in Jasper Indiana." He told me this with a rueful smile and he didn't seem to notice the way I stopped breathing at the name of his home town. I haven't heard that name in years and hearing now made me flash back to a time I rarely thought about.

"Izzy! Come on they won't be home for another two hours! Let's go now and I'll get you back in back in time."

I looked over at my friend. "Jazzy you know this is a bad idea!" I pushed the hair that had fallen in front of my eyes out of my way. Jazzy was so silly he was always trying to make me smile.

Today wasn't any different, well it was just a little more special, at least that's what he said. Just because it was my 9th birthday he wanted to take me to the wash behind our houses because that was my very favorite place.

The one place we could pretend we had daddies that loved us, and a mommy that cooked cookies and snuck them to us under the table. But going there today was very bad. I know they always get out earlier than normal on my birthdays and holiday because they hated them.

"What about if we go tomorrow? Please Jazzy!"

He looked at me with a sad expression like he knew how I was feeling and nodded, his shaggy blonde hair fell over his face and covered his handsome light brown eyes. He put his hand out to me and we started on our way back to our houses.

Jazzy laughed at me as I tried to skip next to him but I tripped. But Jazzy catched me before I fell. Just like he always does. "Thanks Jazzy!"

"Yup pretty girl I'll never let you fall if I'm around to stop it! Now try n jump on my back. I wanna carry you!"

I laughed so hard. "No way! Then we'll both fall!"

"Come on!" He turned around and kneeled at the ground. I climbed on his back and Jazzy started to stand up. This was so much fun already! He was holding me up! And then we started to move toward the ground.

As I fell on Jazzy I started to giggle so hard I couldn't breathe. Jazzy looked upset so I stopped laughing and asked what was wrong.

"I thought I was getting strong!"

"Oh no you are! But I know I eat a lot. Mommy tells me all the time I eat too much and I shouldn't be so greedy. I'm sorry Jazzy." I was ready to cry because I shouldn't be so mean because it makes Jazzy think he isn't strong. But he is, he's the strongest boy I know!

"Hey! That's a lie. You're not fat at all. Not like she's soooo huge! I think when she steps down I feel my desk move! Look Izzy! I got's this just for you!"

I looked down at his hand and saw a little yellow flower. "It's so beautiful! Thank you! Thank you, thank you!" I hugged him tight.

"Junior! Get your ass over here! You're late!"

Ours heads turned to look at Jazzy's daddy and he looked so mad. I just grabbed Jazzy's hand because I wanted to help him but he let go of mine and looked at me while running to his dad. "It's okay Izzy. Happy birthday." And with that he smiled sadly and went inside. And I just knew that even though me and jazzy would be in trouble today, this was the best birthday evers.

He halted my favorite childhood memory by tossing me a small pad of paper and pen. "Write down your number Bella. I wanna keep in touch with my miserable mystery woman." He smirked at my distaste of the way he described me. But I wrote my name and number and tossed in back.

"See you around Riley." I smiled and got into Cherry as I saw him nod his head and got into his own car.

I watched as he sped off. I wanted to do that to but didn't think I would be able to drive properly with the pain radiating through. He didn't realize how close to home his story hit. Was that how it was for Ethan? Did he have that same never ending devotion to me as Riley did to his sister? Of course he did. Look what he's done for me. My god It never really hit me like it did now how much he's had to give up, or even deal with just to have me around.

I've always felt guilty for keeping him on the road with me for so long but right now I couldn't have felt worse. He's done everything to keep me safe and secure and when his life abruptly got uprooted I simply left him behind.

I couldn't breathe and tears were now freely falling. I dumped out my bag as I struggled to even gasp for some air and grabbed my Ambient, I chewed three of them fighting past the feeling of throwing up at the taste. As I swallowed the pastey material and swiped tears of my cheeks I reached for my cell phone and rapidly dialed my brother as I continued to sob for what I had done to him.

"Two calls in one day? I'm feeling honored!" Oh god… His greeting made me crumble even worse.

"Eth.." all I could manage at the moment

"Bella? What the fuck is going on? Are you okay?" His words became strong as steel as he completely went into protector mode. But what could he protect from? My own selfish ways?

"Breathe Smellerella. You've got this. One big one in and a slow one out. How much have you taken today? I need you to talk to me B. I can't do anything over the phone. What state are you in? Come on B! I'll leave right now and find you just gimme a state to begin at." He was sounding slightly frantic now but I could feel the pills taking their toll on me accompanied by the alcohol already in my body. I was still breathing choppy but I could talk.

"I'm so sorry for everything…I wish I was better for you. I- I'll always be that same person. They made sure of it didn't they? God! I can't even change for you. Ethan…" It all came out in a harsh whisper as I struggled to apologize.

"Bella knock it the fuck off. What the hell is going on?" He was pissed, rightly so. He should hate me. I hate me. I began to hear buzzing in the back ground and I realized he must have been out.

"Jesus Ethan? Are you out with people? I can't even let you have a night of fun without ruining it! I'm so fucking sorry. I'll let you go. Bye big brother."

"Wait a fucking minute! If you hang up I'll beat the shit out of you. What caused all this masochistic bullshit? ...I need to know what's going on Bella." He finished with a soft plea. I couldn't continue to do this to him for once I had to put someone before myself.

"Just a little too much ambient." I said with a chuckle. "I'll be better in the morning. I promise to call first thing after I wake up. I just need to sleep this off." Hoping my words would appease him.

"Bella…" I knew he wanted to say more but I could hear the agonizing worry in his voice.

"I'm okay now Ethan. I just needed to hear your voice. Goodbye. I love you big brother." And without waiting from him to speak I ended the call.

It was time to be selfless. Now I just had to make a choice. Should I let him go completely and let him live his life out without the problems that encompassed me? Or do I go back and try to be supportive of him without laying any of my issues on his shoulders anymore?

* * *

Nessieness


	8. Leaving For You

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Call Me - Shinedown

Call me a sinner, call me a saint

Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same

Call me your favorite, call me the worst

Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt

It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,

But nothing really lasts forever

I had to make a choice that was not mine,

I had to say goodbye for the last time

I kept my whole life in suitcase,

Never really stayed in one place

Maybe that's the way it should be,

You know I live my life like a gypsy

**Great song! Honestly perfect for this chappy**

* * *

Bellas POV

Thump.

"GRRRR"

Thump.

"God Dammit"

Thump. Thump.

I rip the pillow off my face and take a deep breathe in while I squeeze my eyes shut. (Thump) Then I feel the wall shake which inadvertently causes my bed to move and I feel the nausea set in. So I bolt out of the comfort of my blankets and rush to the bathroom.

As I empty out my stomach I can still hear the thumpers continue in the hotel room behind me. Not only does it piss me off that every time they "thump" against my wall it ricochets in my head but also because they remind me of my failed attempt of thump humping with Riley 3 days ago.

I crawl back into my bed and wonder why this hangover seems to be worse than any other I've ever had. As soon as that thought passes through my painful head I know I deserve it. I actually relish in the pain of my hangover because it's just the tip of the iceberg of pain I should receive.

I've made my decision regarding Ethan. I know what I need to do which is why my bags are packed at the foot of my bed. I'll be leaving this beautiful city of Evansville today and I commemorated it with getting drunk, pouring my unending sorrows into a bottle of bourbon and some pretty little shots.

"Fuck yeah" I hear a deep voice moan much too loudly for my liking. And that's it, I've snapped.

I get up still in my plaid pajama bottoms and sports bra and I don't even bother to smooth my hair over and wipe the my day old eyeliner smudge from my eyes before I rip my door open and march down the side of the hotel. I continue down the back and make another left to the other side.

This place is pretty tiny maybe 50 rooms in total and its two story so that leaves 25 rooms on the bottom and 25 rooms on the top which allows me to find my thumpers pretty easily.

As I end up in front of their door I see a family leaving the room next door. I look at their car and their children are already buckled in. Obviously leaving in haste so their children don't have to be exposed to the loud noises there neighbor is making. Which just fuels my pissed off mood.

I bang on the door with all my might and wait… and wait… So I bang on it again and don't stop as I yell though the barrier keeping me from the thumpers. "Open the fuck up dickwads! I'm not leaving until this door is fucking opened!"

Finally I hear some muffling and then the door is wrenched open by the most enormous man I've ever seen. "What the fuck!" This man is huge… Like gigantic. Which definitely explains why the thumping was so loud. Not to mention he's naked. Like birthday suit nude. I can't help but look and am very impressed. But that's obviously not the point of me being here so I digress.

"Listen hear fucktard I can hear you through the motherfucking wall and I suggest you either move your fucking bed away from the wall or stop humping like a rabid fucking animal. I'm at the end of my fucking rope listening to you and I'm two seconds away from going Lorena Bobbit on you." I seethe with narrowed eyes and I faintly hear a car peeling away behind the blood I can hear pumping through my body.

The gigantic guy steps forward and is now towering over me and giving me the most intimidating glare I've ever seen. "Listen here you little cunt I don't give a fuck. Plain and simple. If you interrupt me again I'll bury your body where nobody will find it." And then he shuts the door in my face and I'm left cowering in front of his room.

I try and control my breathing as I sprint back to my room and with a shaking hand I shut and lock the door then crumble on the floor. I grasp around blindly for a moment trying to find my bag and the pills I have stored in there. Once I grab the pills I try to walk but succeed in stumbling to the mini fridge and grab a water. Once I've taken the pills I all but collapse on the bed.

I sit there in a daze for a moment but then I realize something… and I laugh. I laugh hysterically, then for shits and giggles I pound on the wall behind me where my thumpers have resumed their notorious thumping. And once I'm assured I've lost my mind I start to calm down. I pull out my phone and dial Ethan immediately.

As soon as I hear the click of him picking up I squeal into the phone. "Ethan! You wouldn't believe what just happened to me!"

I hear his soft chuckle. "You saw Jesus?"

"What? No. I stood up for myself!"

"Why the fuck did you have to stand up for yourself? Is someone messing with you?"

I sigh frustrated that that's all he paid attention to. "Come on! Focus." I snap my fingers as if he could see. "I totally put that asshole in his spot! He just kept fucking thumping me and finally I had enough and told that douche bag to knock it off or I'd go all Lorena Bobbitt on his ass and then he told me he'd kill me and nobody would ever find my body and I kinda panicked! But I still told him off in the beginning!" I don't even know if he could understand me but I just had to tell someone and since he's the only person I know… I was kind of limited.

"Wait a god damn minute he was humping you? What the hell have you been doing since you left. Jesus Isabella!" Man oh man, he sounds just like Charlie.

"Thumping! I said thumping! He has the hotel room behind me getting it on and kept bumping into my wall! Hence the thumping." I hear him grunt on the other line I suppose that means he's okay with my answer.

"He's said he'd fucking kill you? Are you okay now? This seriously isn't going to work. I can't do shit for you if you're so far away from me. Tell him if he lays a hand on you, you have a big brother who will rip off his head and take shit down his throat." when he says this it only confirms what I decided earlier. I can't go back and help him if all my baggage is still affecting me. I also can't keep calling him like this because he just gets too worked up. I finally feel better than I have since I left Ethan because my mind is officially made up.

"Yeah Crabby this isn't going to work." I close my eyes as tight as possible as I work up the courage to tell him what I need to.

"What isn't going to work?"

"Letting you hear my problems… or I don't know just me and you being so far apart but still having this close relationship. I-I'm sorry Eth." The guilt is heavy on my shoulders and the pain is unbearable but I continue. "I won't go back Ethan but I also won't keep updating you on what's happening with me. You have a lot on your plate and I'm only adding to it. I love you so much and that's why we have to get some distance between us more than just miles."

"Bella I don't understand… What are you saying exactly?" I can hear the undertone of panic in his voice no matter how steady he's keeping it. Dread fills me with the harsh words I'm about to say. But I have to; I know it'll be easier for him if I make him hate me.

"I'm not gonna visit anymore. I won't see you again, I won't be in your life to see my nephew or niece or even see how much you accomplish at least not until I work my shit out. We both need this Ethan. I won't call to let you know where I'm at or where I'm going. I'll text once a month or something just to let you know I'm okay but I think that's where it ends big brother." I let one tear slide down my check but that's it because I have to be strong just this once.

I can hear his ragged breathing on the other line. If I close my eyes I can almost see his brows furrowed and his eyes darting around trying to find something to say that will change my mind. "Belly Listen to me. This is a huge mistake. You need me Bella I know you do. I need you. Were all that each other has. You can't leave like this… I let you travel on your own but Bella I can't just let you drop out of my life. We lived our entire childhood apart and were making up for it now. Don't do this B." He was begging. The pleading in his voice was tearing me apart piece by piece.

"I need you to understand that I'm doing this for you. I'm gonna find way to fix myself and then I'm gonna find my way back to you because after everything you've done for me you deserve that. Do you really want me in your kid's life the way I am? This isn't good for anyone if you keep protecting me and I just cower behind you and let you fight my battles. God Ethan! You even fight the battles that rage inside my head! I've made up my mind." And that was it. No going back on this, no running from it. This is how it has to be.

"Please Bella." God, I can't do this for much longer. With that final plea of his… It's almost enough to change my mind.

"Goodbye Ethan"

"Bella! Bella no! Wai-" I hung up unable to hear him any longer.

I couldn't have told you how long I laid there in that bed in a trashy hotel . It was long enough to not hear the thumping and long enough to hollowly watch the bright light shining though the blinds to change to darkness. A darkness that not only engulfed my room but my entire being.

I thought about nothing. Maybe I thought of something but what it was I couldn't tell you. I can't tell you if I was mourning for myself or my brother or just wallowing in self-pity.

I've gone from a life I can't even think about to a life I could only dream about and I've just thrown that away. Maybe she was right. Maybe I'm not worthy and I'm dirty so dirty I can never be clean because that's how I feel. I feel like that little girl again sitting on that dingy basement floor waiting for something to change the way my life has become but never allowing hope to actually encompass my heart for the fear of disappointment was too much. I am what she would tell me I was.

I'm hollow. I'm dirty. I'm worthless. A monster with no soul no matter what happens I'll always be this way.

My phones been going off since I hung up with Ethan and I finally take a chance to look at it. I scroll through the missed calls and see way too many to count from Ethan but one is from someone else. I decide to text back and they continue to text giving me the information I need.

Another few hours later I gather my belongings and load up Cherry. As I walk to the driver's seat I run my hand along her side and relish in the happy memories she's given me. I get into the car and rev her up and head to the gas station. I grab some snacks and tea after I put the gas into Cherry.

Once I'm on the correct highway I see a sign saying 60 miles to Jasper, IN. I press my foot harder on the gas pedal and begin my journey.

Maybe Jasper isn't the best place to start but the name holds so much of my heart I can't just pass this opportunity up and I almost feel like by visiting Jasper, IN. It will give me some closure on an open wound.

And soon enough I spot another sign that says Welcome to Jasper IN I grab my phone and dial a number that's becoming familiar very fast.

"Hello" His rusty voice picks up immediately and I smile because he's the one thing that doesn't cause me heartache.

"Hey Riley I'm here."

* * *

Sheesh even I'm missing Ethan :/

So who's perpective should be next chapter?

1)Ethan?

2)Bella?

3)Edward?

Let me know what you think! I'm also going to try to update every MONDAY!

_Nessieness_


	9. Insufferable Changes

**A/N: This chapter is harsh on some topics. Read with Caution! The point of views are only for the purpose of the writing and do not reflect my own opinions, just know that some of you may not agree.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Ch. 9 Insufferable Changes

**Stop for a minute - Keane**

**Some days, feel my soul has left my body**

**Feel I'm floating high above me**

**Like I'm looking down upon me**

**Start sinking, every time I get to thinking**

**It's easier to keep on moving**

**Never stop to let the truth in**

**Sometimes I feel like it's all been done**

**Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one**

**Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done**

**I'm too tired to fight and yet too scared to run**

**And if I stop for a minute**

**I think about things I really don't wanna know**

**And I'm the first to admit it**

**Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe**

Bella POV

I stared at my green converse as I waited. Today I was feeling a little better, the guilt was killing me but hey there's always a bright side right? No. No, there isn't always a bright side even I knew this. But I have to keep moving forward.

I felt the wind begin to stir so I spun in a little circle in the drive way. The type of spin when you tilt your head back and close your eyes, it wasn't fast more like a slow rotation. And there's something always so freeing about it. My summer dress that I wore today was white with little green robots on it. I loved this dress ever since I found it in this tiny little clothing store hidden away in Rosenburg Oregon. It had 2 inch straps at the top and came down in a heart shaped chest lining that flowed mid-thigh.

I leaned against Cherry and looked up as I heard the footsteps I had been waiting for.

"Oh Bella! I'm gonna miss you so much! You better call you hear? Don't go sprouting about being a nomad again. Trust me I played that life and it's no fun!" I grinned as Victoria rambled in her silly accent. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her into a hug and laughed with her.

"Bye Tori, I promise to call as long as you promise intercept the phone so I don't have to deal with your asshat of a brother." As I said this I released Victoria and looked up to Riley. In which he rebutted my comment with an eye roll.

Tori smiled at me and poked me in the nose. "No promises there Darlin'. But you'll call me anyways because if not I'll go murderous on you." She said this with an innocent face and even though I've grown quite fond of her I wasn't really sure if she was joking or not so I just giggled nervously and patted her shoulder.

"Stop acting like a psycho for five minutes Vic so we can get out of here." Riley walked over to the passenger side of Cherry and got in as I walked to my side and with one last wave to Tori I got in too.

I started up my engine and began to back out of there drive way. "So wanna go to Jack in the Box?"

Riley grinned at me and shook his head. "You and Jack in the Box. I think you have a unhealthy obsession with that place and I was actually thinking of Blueberry Hill instead."

"Ahhh, okay I guess that'll do." I pouted at him as we stopped at a red light.

I'm really going to miss him and his sister so much. Since I arrived here I've actually had a really good time. I was originally wary of meeting his sister as I heard she was depressed and needy. I thought she was gonna be a spoiled little obnoxious brat. What I've come to realize is that she's had a hard life and was once an amazing woman that she unfortunately will never be again.

I always thought if you let your shitty past eat you alive and depend on pills or a person you were weak. And that's exactly who I am but since meeting Tori I've grown to see that even though she can't really pick herself up, she is an incredibly strong woman.

When she told me her past it broke my heart. When she was 17 she fell in love with a typical bad boy named James. They ended up running away together with another friend named Laurent. I guess he got off on betting money on various things and winning in general. Anyways they were always hopping from one big city to another finding something new and illegal for James to play with. Eventually it caught up to him and he ended up getting murdered. Laurent left once he realized how bad it was but Victoria didn't leave until she had no other choice.

That's what pulled her into depression. It was that she loved him so fiercely and even though she had always been a good kid growing up and didn't approve of what James did she loved him enough to accept that life. I guess James really loved her to, outside of his little games he doted on her every hand and foot and always made sure she was taken care of. And once he died she lost some part of her she can never get back.

Victoria once said to me "Bella, the kinda love we had wasn't found in movies and novels. It was ugly and selfish and undeterred by anything. It was passion that would kill for the other and sometimes it was obsessive need that caged us so invincibly together. We hurt together and we rejoiced together and no matter how unhealthy we were for each other, we knew it was even unhealthier to be apart. I know I'll never have that again. It's a love that people rarely get to find but I had it and it was ripped away from me but I'm gonna pray that you find it too because it's something worth living for."

Victoria has venom running through her if you were on her bad side but devotion to you if you could break through the soulless person she seemed to be. She was a beautiful woman with vivacious red hair and perfect ivory skin but underneath she was withered and decayed. She knew this too and she accepted that. And I knew that Riley was the only thing keeping her alive.

"So you gonna come back from Bella land and order some food?"

I looked up to Riley and noticed he tilted his head to the side so I looked over and saw the waitress smiling at me waiting. "Sorry, I'll have the Chicken and Waffles."

She wrote it down and turned away as I looked back to Riley and blurted the one question that had been killing me since I arrived into his town. "Am I Victoria?"

I watched as his bows furrowed and frowned at me. "No… You're Bella." I rolled my eyes and huffed at him. "What exactly do you mean are you Victoria?"

"I mean am I Ethan's Victoria? I love your sister but she's fucked up. Does she ever feel guilty for how she practically can't even survive 3 days without you making sure she doesn't kill herself?"

He looked down almost seeming ashamed. I didn't know if he was ashamed about himself more or her but he quietly answered anyway. "She is who she is and I know that. She never asked for my help before I offered it. I do what I do for her because I need to. I know one day she'll most likely kill herself but I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing I didn't do something. I couldn't sit by and let that happen and then continue to live with myself. What I do is for my piece of mind no matter how much I actually want her to be happy and fight every fucking day for her to get better in some way. There are days I resent her but I love her more than I hate her. She's my sister so if she can't fight for herself than I will. And I know that is exactly how Ethan feels but you are not Victoria."

I looked at Riley with disbelieving eyes and scoffed. "How can you say all that and then say I'm not like her?"

"Because you fight Bella. You may be running but sometimes you've gotta run to stay alive and that's what you do. Your alive and aren't willing to bow down from fear. You use to lean on Ethan but you still fought! And now look at you… You've got it in you to rely on yourself or you would have never got away from the start." He looked at me with reverence and pride and emotion swelled in my throat. "Victoria is letting herself rot away and while I understand why, she doesn't even fight to live for James! I don't think killing herself is taking the easy way out but it isn't fighting to survive. You survive everyday while she gives up."

A tear fell down my cheek as I saw our food being set on our table. I finally looked up to Riley once the server was gone. "Do you think Ethan even needs me?"

Riley put his fork down and slid his hand over mine. "Of course he needs you. I may not know exactly what happened in your past but I know since the first time I met you till now that there is a significant difference in who you are and who you were. Fix this Bella."

Could I really go back and create a life? One that was healthy and just move on from my past? I'm not sure it was as simple as Riley made it seem.

"I'm gonna miss you beautiful. Keep in touch and let me know where you end up. Make sure you at least tell your brother that you're still alive."

I hugged him and choose to ignore his last comment. "Miss ya too. Maybe we'll see each other again."

With that I got into my car and was happy to leave Jasper, IN. This place was supposed to offer me some sort of closure instead it gave me confusion, more guilt, and opened some old wounds I thought I had buried. So all in all I think this was horrible trip.

With that aside I got onto the 231/IN highway. I wasn't exactly sure where I should be going but I knew where I wanted to be.

The scenery passed in a blur as did my thoughts. I stopped at a gas station near Crown Point Indiana and as I was pumping gas I noticed a site that seemed so familiar to me.

There was a little boy around 13. He seemed slightly emo and just disconnected from the world. He had his earphones in and was following behind his parents as they reprimanded him while he didn't listen. Once his father realized he wasn't listening he ripped an ear bud out of the child's ear and barked in his face that he listen and straighten up his act or he would face punishment.

It was the harsh face that his fathered held and the tight grip on his son's arm that had me cringing against my car as I hurriedly fiddled with closing the gas tank.

_I sat in the back seat as I watched Renee and Phil bicker in the front seats._

_"I honestly don't see the need in bringing her Phillip. There is no reason why we should spend our night keeping an eye on a child that will only bring us embarrassment. She would have been left alone."_

_Phil sighed and nodded his head agreeing with her but also being the voice of reason. "You know we don't bring her out to these parties with us much but I assure its necessary. The guys are always commenting that it would be good to get the children together. I don't wanna bring that filthy thing either but we need her to make an appearance. And I know she won't make a fool out of herself now will she?"_

_"No sir." I said quietly and quickly as I knew that last comment was addressing me. I looked up from my lap finding Renee looking at me with that look. The look that chilled me to the bone. She smiled at me and I could feel the visible shiver run through me._

_"Very good Marie, I had no plans for you tonight yet. Should you be a naughty little child while out with Mommy and Daddy, I may have to reconsider and I know very well I could find some way to show you exactly why it isn't good for you to be an embarrassing little maggot." Her voice was so calm and soft as it usually is while that smile was plastered to her face. I hate that she calls herself and Phil that._

_"Of course Ma'am, I'll be on my best behavior."_

_She nodded and relaxed slightly but continued to stare at me from her seat._

_Once we arrived we exited the car and I felt Renee slide her hand onto my elbow and I instantly recoiled and tightened all my muscles. "Don't disappoint my Dear Marie."_

_With that I followed and played the part of perfect daughter and let my mind wander to Jazzy to help distract me. It's been two days since I've seen him and I can't wait for school Monday till I get to see him. My thoughts were so distracting I didn't notice a child's toy on the floor and slightly tripped but instantly regained my composure._

_I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and prayed they didn't notice. As I felt Phil's strong grip on my shoulder I knew they had seen. "You alright Marie?" his gruff voice made me know how angry he was already. I looked up and saw the anger simmering beneath his facade of concerned father and nodded my head. I chanced a look at Renee and noticed her narrowed eyes and small smirk at the corner of her lips. She began to hum a familiar tune and my body seized in fear. Tonight she would make sure I paid for the embarrassment I caused._

"Your father is just grumpy because he lost a case. Just try better in school Honey. That's all we ask." The boy's mother wrapped an arm around his shoulders and he nodded his head and cracked a smile for her. His parents were normal though, nothing like those pigs that raised me.

I shook off the nausea that I started to feel and noticed the way my body began to shake due to the anxiety that was invading me like a long lost friend. I got into my seat and shut the door as I swiped the hair behind my ears and leaned back to try and relax.

Deep breaths

Deep breaths

Trying to regain composure so I would be able to drive I turned my Ipod on and connected it to the speakers again and began to listen to music.

Once I worked through that I continued my drive and somewhere in the back of my mind I realized that I didn't once reach for my pills.

I noticed the sign welcoming me to the city. All this way and I hadn't really been nervous more like resigned. Yet now as I see the buildings and feel the muggy chill I started to become nervous.

As I continued through the street it was as if I unconsciously started to slow down as I drove. Familiar structures began to infiltrate my view. I parked my car in a parking lot I never thought I would see again or at least not this soon and steeled my resolve as I got out of the car.

Once in the elevator I could feel sweat build on my neck and I wrung my hangs together. As I started walking my heart was beating so fast it felt as though I ran a mile. Posing my hand to knock I closed my eyes and swallowed nervously then quickly knocked three times. I waited and got no answer so I knocked again and waited another few minutes. This time I banged on the door and shouted.

"Hello! Is anyone there?" Oh my gaaaaaawd! I've come all this way almost had a panic attack and no one is here.

This was pointless… Now I have no clue where to go as I really hadn't thought this far ahead.

Accepting defeat I turned around and journeyed back to Cherry and once I got in I only knew one other place I could possibly go no matter how awkward it would be.

This time at least I wasn't anywhere near as nervous when I pulled up and parked. I got out of my car and opened the entrance door. I heard the jingling alerting everyone that someone had just walked in and noticed four pairs of eyes locked on me. Two immediately looks away but the other two remained.

I gave a small smile and noticed the Brut jumped up to greet me. "Hey! I remember you. Long time no see!" He lifted me into a hug and I suddenly couldn't breathe from the anxiety that crept up on me from the unexpected contact.

"Put her down." A sharp voice said quietly but with force.

I was suddenly put back on my feet and looked over at the other man. He regarded me curiously with almost angry looking eyes. I was taking shallow breaths trying not to appear as a freak but under his watchful eyes I blushed. "Hi Edward."

I heard Emmett begin to chuckle and look over at Edward with his head cocked to the side and his eyebrows raised then he began to walk back to his station where a blonde girl was sitting alongside a small raven haired girl who seemed to be looking over a book.

"Hey there Princess. Whatcha' doing back in town?" He leaned back against the reception counter and I appraise his appearance. He was wearing some band t-shirt and with dark blue jeans on and black converse. Oh how I love a man in converse. His hair was still a dangerous mess as I remembered it and his eyes were still the ever piercing forest green.

I shuffled my feet and looked down at my own set of converse. "I'm not really sure." My voice shook and I started feeling a little breathless and looked up at him through my eyelashes.

He nodded his head and a small chunk of hair feel into his eye but he didn't bother to move it. I noticed his eyes trained on what I believe were my shoes and then travel up as they stopped at my exposed thighs and continued till he meet my own eyes and I was suddenly drawn to his lips as he licked them. Then his lips curved into a smirk and I knew I was caught staring for too long.

The words he said earlier popped back into my head and I was confused. "H-How did you know I left town?" I felt so nervous again and I just wanted to leave. My throat was constricting at the thought that he knew something about me. What reason would he have to know and how did he even find out?

"Your brother knocked up our receptionist remember? He comes around every once in a while and talks about you. You looking for him or did you want a tattoo again?" His voice turned hard and he walked around the counter and started fiddling with something on the computer.

I started to feel that caged in feeling again as I noticed those girls start to walk our way. Before I could answer the tiny girl walked up and stuck her hand out. "Hi, I'm Alice. I work here too. I believe I was on my honeymoon the time you came in so we didn't have a chance to meet. This is Rosalie, our accountant." She nodded over to the taller blonde woman who just inclined her head to me as acknowledgement but offered nothing else.

"I'm Bella, Ethan's sister." I wanted to shake her hand but I was so uncomfortable I couldn't seem to move. "I, uh, need to get going. It was very nice meeting you." With that I turned and scramble out the door and into my car.

I couldn't even think straight. Being in this city was too much already and I was instantly regretting my decision. Nothing good would come from this.

I quickly made my way back to Ethan's apartment and when he didn't answer again I figured I could just sit down and wait. A little awkward but it was the only thing I could think to do since I wanted to surprise him.

I must have dozed off for just a moment when I felt myself being yanked off the floor. In panic I ripped open my eyes to stare at my attacker when I was encase in arms and heavy breathing. Yet as soon as I smelled the sent I knew all too well I immediately relaxed and held onto him for dear life.

"Bells! Oh god your still here! Why didn't you call me you dipshit? When did you get back to town?" He sounded so breathless and excited at the same time I couldn't help but giggle.

I pushed myself as close as I could get to him. "Hey Fucker. I missed you."

* * *

Ahhh how I've missed Ethan J And finally some Edward! It's taken forever but I felt the need to allow you to understand Bella before she was joined by the usual crowd. And how was Victoria? I kinda like the psycho bitch haha she's rad.** And for those of you with light hearts just know Bella was not raped as a child but that doesn't mean her childhood was loving in any manner.**

**As always,**

**Nessieness**


	10. Colliding Lifetime

**A/N : I'm a day late! So I decided to extend this chapter as an apology. Sorry my loves!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Ch. 10 Colliding Lifetime

**The Downfall of Us All ~ A Day To Remember**

**It's not easy making a name for yourself**

**Where do you draw the line?**

**I never thought I'd be in this far**

**Let's have some fun and never change not for anyone**

**Try not to miss me when I'm gone**

**I sold my soul to the open road**

**I'll live my life alone**

**You won't find me in the same spot**

**Believe me I could never stop**

**My life's turned upside down**

**Meet me out past the train tracks**

**I'm leaving and not coming back**

**You're right and I was wrong**

**This town will be the downfall of us all**

* * *

Bella POV

He laughed and put me back on my feet. "Yeah I missed you too little sister." He unlocked in door and I followed him into his apartment and it looked so different from the last time I was here. Mostly black contemporary furniture but it was welcoming and so lived in. I could see some of Tara's things tossed around as well as his and it just suited him.

I was instantly reminded of the Ethan I met all those years ago. The one that had a house he grew up in and was a settled person. Suddenly I was so proud of him to finally be that person again even if he had originally given that up for me.

"You fit here Eth." My voice was calm and reserved but shown the pride I felt in him, I hope he could hear it.

He gave me a small smile and tipped his head forward looking slightly bashful. "I'm trying. How long are back in town for?"

I gave a small laugh before I answered him; he was alwaysstraight to the point. "I'm not really sure yet. I guess we'll see. How bout wesit? I'm dying for a comfy seat! Tell me about your life in the windy city."

We sat and I briefly wondered where Tara was. "It's nothing exciting. I haven't found a job yet but sometimes I go out with the guys at Volterra and their girls. Tara tags along sometimes were trying out dating right now just to see where it goes but she seriously can get on my damn nerves. Ugh! And when I wake up to her fucking puking I want to strangle someone! And I can't just sit there and not fucking help her out by getting her water or holding her hair because I'm not that big of a tool but it can be such an inconvenience." He hefted out a frustrated sigh but didn't look upset so I snickered at him.

I punched his shoulder and angled my body towards him but staying on my side of the couch. "Awe come on, it's your spawn that's causing it! You deserve it more than she does. As a guy it's your responsibility to glove up before doing the dirty."

He glared at me and gave me a disgusted look while he scoffed. "Please. It's as much my fault as it is her's. In fact if she wouldn't have come over that night we wouldn't be in this predicament."

"You Invited her! It's your entire fault you ugly douche."It felt really good to be around my brother again. Simple and no pretenses.

He stared at me and I could practically see the questions burning me in his gaze. So I waited for the inevitable and just when I couldn't wait any longer I heard him clear his throat. "Where have you been Bella?"

I automatically knew that one question was meant with a lotof answers that he expected. "Well I haven't actually been to a lot of places.I went to Indiana and for a little while I was in Evansville and this past week I went to Jasper. I hadn't meant to end up here but I knew you missed me so I decided to grace you with my presence." I threw him a playful smile and wasn't surprised when he didn't look amused so I continued.

"Everything was actually fine. A little lonely at first… I mean you're the only person I talked to so you know." And right on queue my phone vibrated on the seat next to me. I decided to ignore it since there's only two other people who would be trying to get ahold of me. When I looked upat Ethan he raised an eyebrow at me but I decided to ignore that to.

"So anyways, that one night I called crying I just had a little too much to drink, and then the other day when I called… When I made that decision I was overwhelmed. I guess I'm just a little lost at the more lost than usual." I stuck my tongue at him to lighten the mood.

Ethan nodded his head and looked deep in thought. "We'll talk about this later Bella. No need to hash it out now. So I left Tara at the shop when I heard you stopped it. And everyone's going out tonight, Did you want to go? I can let you get ready and shower up and we can meet them all at the pub." He looked so hopeful that I'd say yes and I couldn't say no to him.

"Yeah sure, I'll actually meet you there though if that's okay? I need to get a room anyway so I can do that now and get ready there." I started to get up when he started talking again.

"No Bella, You're staying here. I'll go into Tara's room with her and you can take mine. Although you might want Tara's, we haven't broken in her bed yet." He grinned at me and I cringed from the image.

Now I had to figure a way to let him know I was gonna stay in a hotel without offending him. "Thank's for the offer and that disgusting image but I'd feel better if I stayed at a hotel so no worries Ethan." I flashed him my brightest smile and walked to the door.

He grabbed my wrist and spun me to him. "You're not staying at a hotel especially in Chicago if I'm not with you Bella. This place is really dangerous; just let me get a night's sleep without having to worry about you B."

I knew he wouldn't give up so I threw out my only option left and unfortunately had to guilt him into it. "Ethan going to that Pub tonight with all of your friends is intimidating enough. I need to stay at hotel tonight please. It's the only form of comfort I have left… I came back, don't make give up the hotel. I promise to pick a nice one."

He looked at me for a minute and then slumped his shoulders and sighed with defeat. I couldn't help but grin a little. "You know, if you had a mustache and just ran your hand over it then that would have totally been a Charlie moment."

He rolled his eyes and smiled a little. "Yeah I can count on one hand how many times he gave me that look but once you came along I swear there wasn't a moment when he wasn't giving you that look."

I laughed and agreed while we continued to walk towards my car. "The difference is when he gave that look to you was because he knew you were a lost cause but with me it was because I was too cute to say no too."

"Shut up Smellerella. Your obnoxious and look like a frumpy old wanna be cat lady." He shoves me forward as we near my car and I stumble then turn towards him.

"Such a douchebag."I give him a hug and then start to open my door. "Text me the address and what time I'm meeting you there."

Ethan gives me a nod and shut's my door for me. As I drive away I turn to look at him for a quick glance, and I can see the fear in his eyes that he's trying to hide but completely failing in it.

After driving around for a little while I find a hotel called The Palmer House Hilton and it looks amazing. The feel is 1920's and I love it even if its way more extravagant then anywhere I've ever stayed. Once I'm settled in my room I grab my phone to find out who texted me earlier.

Seeing the three texts and five missed phone calls dividing evenly between Riley and Vicky I decide to call Riley back.

"Bella? Are you okay?" He answers the first ring and it's unsettling how attached I've already grown to the siblings.

"Yeah. Jesus you act like it's been days instead of a few hours." I laugh and try to lighten the situation.

Riley sighs and I can just imagine him rolling his eyes."Well you said you would call us to check in and it's been almost like twelve hours and no contact. Where are you now?"

"I actually ended up back in Chicago. It wasn't planned just felt necessary I guess." I suddenly feel bashful as if I gave in to quickly to come back here.

"Really? I'm glad Bella. Ethan deserves to see you handling everything and that you're okay. How long you gonna stay there?" Second time I've been asked this question and I still don't know the answer.

"I'm not really sure yet. Maybe a week or so, I wanna catch up but I don't want him getting use to me being here."

"Yeah makes sense. Just keep in touch Bella. Let me know when you leave, and I'll let Vic know you're okay so don't worry about calling her back."

"Okay Riles. Talk to you later and stay safe." I hang uponce he says goodbye and I allow myself to think over what he said.

I never really thought of me coming back here as a way to show Ethan I'm doing okay for his eyes so he can actually believe it. It's the same for me also. Coming here seeing him doing well will help me believe in continuing on the road without having to worry so much.

Tonight will be good for us. I'll show him I can handle being around people better and I can see him actually living a life.

As I get in the shower I make it quick. I love the feeling of the hot water running away all my doubting thoughts but I can't stand the scars that I know cover me. The discolored ones that decorate a lot of my bodyare more hurtful to see while the ones that are engraved along my back aredifficult to feel.

I'm not sure which I hate more. The skin on my back feels soragged and disgusting it makes bile rise in my throat and I have to forcefullypush it back down and hurry through my shower so I can get out and not think about this.

Once I read Ethan's text I start to get ready. I want to look kept together and feel slightly confident to show Ethan that I'm doing good on my own so I put effort in my appearance.

I pull on some black leggings that has lace covering the side so it shows some skin and wore a tight fitted dark blue top. The sleeves are long but the top simply hugs along my shoulders and across my chest. I apply simple make up and curl my hair enough so it flows easily while I tease the top and give it a wind-blown look.

I grab a black pea coat and button the middle button and slip on a scarf as I shut the door to my room and begin my walk. The pub is right around the corner and it was still light outside so I figured no one would bother me. I began looking at this city with new eyes. It was slightly crowded and people milling about but the chill in the air made it feel open. It was actually really cold and I was glad I wore black boots today to keep some of the warmth.

I can see Miller's Pub in my line of sight after a couple minutes and notice Ethan right away. He's wearing a black coat and some dark ruffed up jeans. His shoes look more like business shoes and I automatically want to call him a Queer-bag but when I notice Tara on his right rubbing against his arm to try and get some warmth I understand he's dressed nice for her. They are both laughing at something and I look over and see Emmett with the blonde girl named Rosalie holding his hand. She nods her head to that Alice girl who'salso holding the hand of someone but I can't see who anymore as they started walking into the pub doors. I'm just standing a couple people away observing when my eyes dart over to the peak of bronze hair I recognize instantly, even if it is covered underneath a charcoal covered beanie, which comes into view on my right.

I turn my head to look at Edward and he gives me a head nod as he steps right beside me and I turn to him. "Hey." My voice is quiet and I notice his hands are stuffed into his varsity looking black jacket with lines of white running through it. His dark black jeans look faded along with his tale-tale converse that has seen better days.

His green eyes stared at me intensely. "Why are you just standing over here?" As soon as he asked I realized what a creep I must have looked like. I blush a deep red at being caught and glance back over at Ethan and notice they have started walking inside as well.

"Just prepping myself I guess." I glance down at my purse and wonder when I'll be able to take an ambient because my nerves are getting the best of me already.

He nods his head and then pulls a package of cigarettes outof his pocket and pulls one to his lips while he offers one to be. I briefly shake my head and then watch as he lights it up and takes a long puff and then holds it in for a moment. He releases it slowly and turns his eyes back to meas he leans against the side of the wall. "Intimidated? You've meet all of them except one."

I agree with him because the only person I haven't met yet was Alice's husband so I shouldn't really be intimidated. But I am. I don't really know anyone and it's a little new for me to actually have to meet my brother's friends. It's all overwhelming because I don't walk to look like Ethan's little freak of a sister, add on top of that the entire crowd this place seems to have and I just don't feel up to it anymore.

I take a quick glance around almost hoping for an escape route even though Ethan doesn't know I've showed up so nothing is holding me back but I know he'll be disappointed, so I stay. "I'm just not feeling that great." It's all the explanation I can give at the moment.

He seems to accept this and changes subjects. "So it must be nice to be on the road all the time." More of a statement than an observation.

"Uh Yeah, I love it. It's freeing." I instantly smile because there's nothing that can adequately describe how I feel when I'm driving down an open highway."What's it like being a tattoo artist?"

He continues his intense staring and I'm starting to feel self-conscious. I've never noticed how weird people can be. And even though he's acting slightly creepy I can't help but to ogle him. He really is attractive. His jaw line is so chiseled and I want to nibble on it while I grip his defined biceps and now as I'm beginning my border line creepiness I try tofocus on what he's actually saying but I realize he's smirking at me.

"See something you like Miss Swan?" His voice his gruff and velvety all at the same time and it sends shivers through my body. His eyes are dark and he's slightly leaning over me. I can smell the cigarette and purely Edward smell as I feel his breathe fall over me and I can't help but lean forward.

His eye's alight with mirth and desire and he takes another step closer. By now were just foot apart and my dark brown eyes meet his forest green ones and he takes the initiative to lean in when suddenly I feel my body slammed forward and I crash into Edward while he clutches my waist to stabilize me.

All this happens within a couple seconds and I feel Edward shove me to the side firmly but gently at the same time as he steps forward. I turn to see him grab some guy by the shirt and yank him back as he went to take another hurried step.

I assume this is the man that bumped into me and I watch as Edward spins the guy around and shoves him into the wall that was behind us.

"What the fucks your problem asshole?" The stranger barks at Edward and moves to shove him off but Edwards hold is firm and he simply presses the stranger into the wall more. I'm kind of stunned so I just stand of to the side and watch as Edward defends me.

"My problem? You fucking crashed into her motherfucker." Edward shoves an arm in my direction and the man's angry glares focuses onme. "Don't Fucking look at her like that you piece of shit!"

"I don't give a fuck I've got somewhere I need to be now get the fuck off me!" He starts to squirm some more under Edwards grasp and once I notice a crowd around us I start to panic.

There are only ten or so people who are looking but it feels to close and my anxiety is rising. I close my eyes and try to stay calm and focus on myself but I can hear Edward and the strangers arguing somewhere around me and the chatter of the on-lookers. I can't hold on to my calm anymore and my breathing is now coming in short labored gasp and I'm so hot I can't seem to cool down so I clutch at my jacket that is restricting my body from breathing but it won't come loose.

I desperately fumble with the buttons to undue them but nothing seems to be working and I start to back up and glance everywhere but not really seeing anything when I feel hands grasping my upper arms and shake me.

"Bella? Bella are you fucking okay?" I know it's Edward but I can't seem to calm down and listen to him. My jacket is still surrounding me way too much and I know there's still so many people.

"Pl-please." I'm not sure what I'm asking for but I do anyway. Edward suddenly rips my clingy jacket open and lifts me off the floor and holds me bridal style. I shove my face into his chest and focus on his scent.

"Do you need me to call an ambulance?" I don't recognize the voice at all and I know it's another stranger. He sounds to close so I push myself further into Edward who's already calming me down and I'm able to take even deep breaths as I push the panic away.

"Back the fuck up." Edward's voice is so strong and I try to focus on that now but he doesn't talk anymore until I feel him stop walking."Bella? I'm gonna set you down now."

I don't want to be put down but I allow as I can't actually crawl back into is arms… it would be a little awkward.

As I get back on my feet he continues to hold my shoulders as I steady myself. I looked up at him and noticed his gaze on me. I couldn't hear anyone so I started to look around and notice we were in an alley way but I could hear the rumble of music so I don't think we went very far.

"So want to tell me what happened?" I slowly looked up at him and decided to go for the truth.

"I had a little bit of a panic attack." My heart was still beating wildly against my ribs and I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with much more without completely melting down. I grabbed my purse while I avoided his questioning gaze.

I could see him out of my periphery shifting and his mouth began to ask me another question as I rooted around for my Ambient.

"Because of that asshole? You know I can always find him and make him say sorry." I choked out a laugh at that and chanced a look at his face. The smirk he wore let me know he was joking but the hardness in his voice made me realize he would probably do it.

"Thanks for that back there. All of it." I was so embarrassed but he didn't seem to be judging me about it so I had to let it go.

He nodded his head and continued to hold that smirk I was beginning to adore. "No problem. I always go around protecting innocent girls and saving themselves from forgetting how to breathe. I'm like a fucking saint." His voice was still rough as always even as he tried to lighten the mood.

"We'll that makes so much sense because you look just like a role model for boy scouts." I hadn't known him for long but I knew he isn't that much of a joker so I was basking in his playfulness and his smirks.

He chuckled and stepped to the side and tilted his head to the right. "Wanna join your brother now?" My stomach completely drops at this.

"Yeah I guess we should right?"

"Yeah." He nodded again but neither of us moved.

I laughed and shook my head. "Ugh. I really don't want to, to be honest."

"So let's go."

I looked up at him and his answer seemed so simple. I wanted to leave and follow him to anywhere but here because he made it better. He may have not known but I didn't even think about my Ambient until after I realized I had to go into Millers pub still.

"Can we just go to the bar and take a shot before we greet the crew?"

"Alright little Bella." I followed him back around the corner and as he was in front of me I pulled a single pill out so he wouldn't see. I walked through the pub door's he held open for me. He stepped right beside me and he led us to the bar.

As he ordered our shot I lifted onto my toes so I could whisper in his ear. "Can they see us?"

He looked over at me as he leaned down and lowered his lips to my ear, "No." I could feel his lips brush against my skin and smiled at the sensation.

We heard the clank of glass and we looked over to see our shots. We each grabbed one glass and clanked them together as he went to drink his I tossed the pill in my mouth and took my shot quickly.

We turned towards each other and I felt so at ease with Edward I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me. I closed my eyes and just felt the effect of the mixed influences.

"I love this song." I focused on the lyrics and just swayed to it for a moment. 'You're the cutest thing That I ever did see, I really love your peaches Wanna shake your tree.'

I open my eyes and see Edward doing his normal 'stare intensely at Bella' thing again. I giggle and take his hand in mine. As soon as I do I feel a slight tingle. "You make me feel funny. Now lead me to your people."

"Jesus Bella, Are you a light weight?" He chuckles again at me. "_My people_ are over there in the right corner."

"Sweet, let's go." My skin feels warm and I try to act a little less silly or Ethan will know I took an Ambient and drank at the sametime.

My eyes zero in on my brother and as if he feels it he look sup and straight at me. "Bella! You're late." He stands up and steps towards meand he just looks so happy, happier than I've ever seen him. Then his eyes dart next to me and I see he confusion spread across his face. I'm confused when his eye's shift slightly lower and his jaw clenches. I watch as anger dominates his face so I look down to understand what made him mad. I see my hand still grasping Edwards and I immediately let go.

"Oh! Sorry Edward." I giggle and then look to my brother and jump towards him. "Sorry I'm late big brother."

He ends our hug and looks speculative as he appraises me."We'll talk about this later Bella." He says this quietly and then says his other words louder for everyone to hear." Have you met everyone?"

I turn towards the table and see a lot of familiar faces andI begin to wave until I hear someone gasp. "Holy fuck."

I look towards the voice that said that and what I see makes my entire world shatter.

"Izzy?"

* * *

Uh oh! Well my peeps this chappy was a roller coaster and since I was a day let a little hint is that Edwards point of view is up next!

Also I will never request reviews but I would some! so if you're feeling generous leave me one. Maybe I'll post next chappy sooner than Monday!

_Nessieness_


	11. Marred Beauty

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Ch. 11 Marred Beauty

**Whispers In the Dark - Skillet**

**Despite the lies that you're making**

**Your love is mine for the taking**

**My love is**

**Just waiting**

**To turn your tears to roses**

**I will be the one that's gonna hold you**

**I will be the one that you run to**

**My love is**

**A burning, consuming fire**

**No, You'll never be alone**

**When darkness comes**

**I'll light the night with stars**

**Hear the whispers in the dark**

* * *

Edwards POV

"Hey dick face were gonna go to Miller's tonight. You down?" His voice echoed in my head and only fueled my anger.

"Shut the fuck up Emmett. I'll let you know how I feel later." I picked my head up from the table and glanced up to the light and glaring at it. I'm pretty sure I turned that fucking thing off when I walked into the break room.

Even his god damn laugh was too loud and I thought about how much of a mess it would make if I beat the shit out of him till he was quiet. "Hung over again? How much did you drink last night?"

"Not enough. Now leave me the fuck alone. If you need me for some actual work then get me otherwise keep everyone out." I knew he wouldn't listen but I tried anyway. I heard the chair across me scrap on the floor and I looked back up at him and slid my sunglasses back on my face. "What Emmett?"

"Carlisle and Aunt Esme what us to show up for a charity event their hosting next week. She wanted me to talk to you about it. We need to go, it's for orphaned kids so it makes sense that she wants us there." I go to interrupt him but he cuts me off with a shake of his head. "Before you say no think about it Ed. Esme's never let us down and were what got her into helping the orphaned so before you jump to disappoint her think about how many times she's disappointed you. And if you go don't embarrass her."

With that he got up and walked out the door letting me think about what he said.

Emse has never disappointed me so of course I don't want to disappoint her any more than I already have. So even if I go that doesn't mean I won't embarrass her. I hate those damn event's and I normally drink my way through them and then find some pair of legs I can get lost between. And when it's all over I leave before I can see the disappointment in her eyes. The same disappointment and pity that has always been etched on her perfect face.

These thoughts just piss me off even more and I down a couple more Advil then walk out to the parlor.

The rest of the day was monotonous. Two tattoo's and nothing else except drawing up some pieces. I was cleaning one of my tattoo guns when I heard someone come in.

It was Bella. I hadn't thought about her too much, Okay that's a fucking lie. I only hung out when Ethan did because I was curious. Her brother always ended up talking about her at some point. Telling us stories about their times on the road and although he was vague sometimes his stories always got a laugh out of us.

He talked about her so much everyone almost felt like she was part of the group.

I walked over as I saw Emmett pick her up and the fact that she hadn't even moved to hug him back made me remember how skittish she was the first time she was her. "Put her down." I came out before I could stop it and for a second I was almost fucking embarrassed I said anything but as I saw her eyes slightly frantic and her hands shook as she smoothed over her hair.

When she gained some control over herself and saw me she blushed which automatically made me want to see what other ways I could make her blush. "Hi Edward." Her voice was so small and still smooth.

Emmett didn't miss a chance to give me a look. I got that I don't pay attention normally especially to a chick I wasn't immediately trying to bone. And while I wanted to bone her there was something about her that interested me.

She was quiet and reserved and comically non-social. And when Ethan talked about her it was if she was a different person.

He described her as fierce and loyal to a fault. But quirky and defensive while still being able to be funny. Maybe I was interested because I couldn't get to know her. She was almost like a ghost. We hear about her but didn't really have a chance to properly see the person she was.

The girls who worked with us were some of the very few I could stand and even then they pushed my temper.

Alice, she's small and fucking nosy which just pisses me to begin with. Like really short, fucking tiny like a little freaky-ass hobbit running around in your business, but she was also loyal and that can pretty much win me over.

Tara, Class A whore. At least I thought she was until I've actually started going out with her and Ethan. She has no problem saying exactly what's on her mind, even if it's dirty or kinky as fuck which is entertaining. She doesn't take shit from anyone but isn't constantly in your face about being the head bitch. So she's also gained my respect.

That leaves us with Rosalie. I've known her the longest and I still can't stand her one fucking bit. I use to actually get along with her until she started thinking she was above the rest of the human race. She had a shitty past and normally that makes you a bitter person but she took bitter and acts like she's on some fucking royal pedestal and I'd gladly be the one to knock her off it if she wasn't dating my brother.

I think if I got to know Isabella I'd probably find issue's in her as well but from what I hear she just seems down to earth and simple. Which is why I'm so interested because simple would be so fucking refreshing.

Living here and working in this shop feels fucking old. It makes my skin itch when I wake up and eager to drink until I can't remember what a shit life I'm living. This life just crawls under my skin and every day I have to continue in it I get more resentful and filled with more hatred.

And finding Bella in my shop felt like the first breath of fresh air in a long time.

Our conversation was brief but informative. She was wearing the most ridiculous dress with green fucking robots on it but she filled it out well and her shoes. What the fuck can I say? I'm a converse person and the facts that they were green to match her dress made my dick hard. And she was checking me out which is a bonus because I'm still holding firm to the belief that I would get inside her pants.

When we got even close to talking about her she froze up. I wanted to know more but figured I had to tread lightly and take my time finding out what I wanted to about her, and I wanted to know a lot.

Like why Ethan was so protective of her. Why she her hands shook when people came around her and the anxious way her hands wrangled together and she stared at her shoes when she started to close off.

Everything about Bella screamed secret's and I wanted to know every one of them.

But with these thought came another disturbing one. Why did I even care? Why the fuck did I want to now this shy little brunette? She pissed me off already for making me question myself so I started to turn into my dick self and blaming her for getting under my skin.

And for once I was thankful for Alice interrupting me. Their conversation was brief when Bella suddenly ran out of here.

"Well… That's not what I expected of Ethan's sister." Alice's voice was shocked as she turned around to look at me. Rosalie decided to get her piece in as she always does.

"What a skittish mousy girl. Seriously? That was kind of rude." Her voice sounding snotty as she appraised her nails.

I decided to ignore the conversation and collect my stuff to go home when Ethan and Tara walked in.

"Your sister doesn't seem as friendly as you make her out to be." Rosalie continues her dig as if her opinion matter's.

Ethan looks confused as he looks up at her and Jasper walks out of the back room. "Ethan's sister was here."

"Yeah man, you just missed her. Spent her all her time with Eddie until your wife scared her away." Emmett answered him and then came over and completed the circle of us in the front of the store.

"Ahh, too bad. I've been looking forward to meeting-" Ethan interrupts Jasper with a demanding voice.

"Wait. Bella was here?" Everyone just looked at him confused; we had assumed he knew she was here. And as I thought back she was looking for him so she must have just got to town.

"Yeah. Just catch up?" Fucking Rosalie.

"Shut up Rose. She came in here looking for you and just left a couple minutes before you got here." When I told him this he started walking straight for the door before he turned around and talked to Tara.

"You coming babe? I wanna check the house before we miss her." He sounded frantic and seemed like rushing her along.

She smiled and shook her head then walked around the counter and sat down in her usual seat. "No. You go find her and just pick me up before we go out tonight so I have time to change."

He nodded and walked over quickly to give her a kiss and then was running out the door.

I went to follow his lead and leave until Emmett called out. "You coming tonight?

I immediately knew my answer. "Yeah." If there was a chance Bella would be there I would show and if I got there and didn't see her I could always back out.

For the first time in a fucking long time I'm nervous.

Knowing Bella might be there was the only reason for me going. Normally I'm the odd man out and I quickly remedy that by finding someone to dip out early with. But I've noticed how uncomfortable she gets and if were both going to be the only ones that are single I'm smart enough to realize how fucked up it will be if I go off just to just get a fuck with some random bitch.

Honestly I don't want to look like a douche in front of her. Something about her is different. I can't seem to get her off my mind at all.

Ever since the first day I met her and then continued to hear about her from Ethan it's like I can't escape her. Her brown eyes haunt my memory and her tiny hands stalk my fantasies. As sick and fucked up as it may be she plays the leading role in my shower when I wake up in the morning.

I'd almost feel bad about using her image and voice to get myself off but she looks to damn good not to think about. I can picture her in every part of my apartment. Like on my counter as I slip into her. Like her bent over my couch. Up against my shower wall. Maybe even against my dryer while it's on.

I could see her eye's clenched tight in pleasure. Her hands gripping my shoulders and her hair being wrapped around my right hand while my left hand held her in place as I pound into her. I bet she uses her nails and I can't tell yet if she's probably a screamer or just whimpers more. Either way I don't give a fuck I still want a piece.

A screamer would be nice though. Just saying.

And now that I'm rock hard I decide a shower is needed.

Once I step into the hot spray my mind immediately goes straight for a naked Bella as my hand clasps around my throbbing member.

I see her smiling up at me as we soak up the steam. Her eyes are almost black with desire and they crinkle at the ends in her happiness. I gently nip at her neck and her giggles bring a smirk to my face. I start to back her up to the wall opposite of the spray and press my body against her slick warm skin and I buck against her when I hear her needy moan.

She tilts her head back and to the side as in asking me to continue. When I place slippery kisses on her neck and collar I feel her hand feel her hand slide down my chest and skim her nails as she goes.

I tighten my grip slightly on my cock and start to stroke faster. The anticipation of what spurs me on through my fantasy.

I picture my hand following down her chest briefly gliding across her nipple and gloating in her hitch in breath. I run my fingers across her stomach and find the promise land as she follows my happy trail and rubs her thumb over the slit and I falter and press into her hand looking for more.

I glance back to her face and see her lip between her teeth and fighting to continue to look at me but once my finger circles her clit she stops fighting and closes her eyes tightly. Her moans are getting steady as she feeling me slip in two finger and pump at the same pace she set's along my cock.

I groan and speed up my pace knowing I'm so far in this fantasy that I'll come soon.

She uses both her hands to pump me, tightening her grip just slightly. Bella places one leg on the side of the tub so I take my other hand off her nipple and place it onto her hip to keep her steady.

I quickly move down and nip her nipple before I suck on it while I pump harder and faster.

"Edward…" Imagining Bella whimper my name sets me off and I can't hold on any longer before I release long spurts into the flowing water. I lean back against the shower to catch my breath.

Eventually I clean up and get ready for tonight.

I pick up my apartment just a little because you never know what could happen and if the opportunely arises that Bella decides to come over then I'll be set. Can't I hope?

Once I'm on my way to Miller's I take my time. I've got to arrive after her because if I get there and she isn't there I won't stay.

Thankfully I see her immediately, spotting her by the long chocolate hair flowing easily down her back. She's standing right in the middle of the sidewalk forcing people to move around her and I laugh at the looks she's getting even though I don't think she realizes it.

I walk up and stand off to the side and momentarily feel like a stalker but don't give a shit. She's standing there with her hands tucked into her coat. Her hair is flowing just lightly in the breeze. Her face looks focused with her brows furrowed and the way she's worrying her lip. I see her swallow and her face suddenly look a little haunted and decide to save her from herself and make my presence known.

She immediately spots me and we start to make idle talk. No matter what the topic she's interesting. The way she moves, how she says her words, the expressions on her face and the way she uses her hands to talk I take it all in and commit it to memory.

We continue to talk until I notice her seriously checking me out which turns me on right away.

Things get serious at that point because I can see that she wants me and have no problem letting her know I want her.

I'm gonna kiss her I don't give a fuck if Ethan will be pissed even though I know he would be. I can barely comprehend anything else as I zero in on her desire and we get closer until I'm second's away from literally tasting her and then some mother fucker decides to fuck it all up.

At first I'm pissed because he just ruined my chance to make something real that I've been imagining. And then as I catch Bella to steady her I realize he actually fucking pushed her and didn't give two shits less so I see red.

I spot the cocksucker pushing through the crowd and lunge for him.

I have so much pent up aggression that I'm straining to not let go and just plow into his fucking face until it's unrecognizable.

He gives me bullshit retorts and then he makes a mistake of glaring at her.

I punch him in the face and let go of him so I can watch the scum bag fall to the floor. Once he's down he moves to get back up but I'm punching his face in again not allowing any remorse.

I can't seem to stop once I've started and when he gets in a few punches I just hit harder. Until I hear a whimper. I know who's it is immediately and look up while I hold his throat to floor and he claws at my arm.

What I see gets me up and over to her within seconds. She's frantically moving her hands over her jacket and her breaths are coming in ferocious pants. I grab her shoulders and giver her shake while I try to get her attention.

"You fucking asshole!" I hear him before I feel him. That douchebag grabs my collar like I did his but I immediately turn around and punch him before I pull him right in front of my face. Fury fueling my words.

"Get the fuck away from me or I'll end you." My words are low but I think they make a point and I shove him away and feel satisfied when I see him fall to the floor. I turn back around and shake Bella harder than before and yell at her, hoping she snaps out of it.

When she stutters please I feel the need to protect her and somehow I know what she needs. I ripe open the jacket she's been clutching at, breaking the buttons in the process, and pry it off her then lift her up move us to the alley. Passing a crowd I hadn't even known had formed until someone says something to us.

I don't really hear them and brush them off since their only in my way from getting Bella to safety.

Once were there she calms down tremendously and eventually we talk about joining the group and when I tell her we can just go, I want that more than anything at that moment.

But I already know Bella wasn't going to ditch her brother so we head back in.

After we take our shots she starts getting a little weird but she's definitely entertaining. The song she sings is well known but she makes me want to download it onto my iPod and put it on replay. The song fits her so well and it's kind of pervy that I just laugh at how cute she looks.

When she tells me I make her feel funny and to take me to _MY_ people I bust out in laughter. She's not a clingy, loud, and obnoxious drunk like most chicks. She's keeping me on my toes and I love every minute of it.

She grabs my hand and takes me over to the gang and I instantly prepare myself for her brother. I know he's not gonna like it at fucking all but Bella's the one who grabbed my hand and I want her goodies so I'm definitely not going to fuck myself over by rejecting her in anyway.

All goes as I figured it would. Ethan looks pissed and I just raise an eyebrow at him because I'm not intimidated in the least. Bella let's go when she notices and then I want to take her hand back and simultaneously punch her brother but I play nice… Until shit goes down the gutter and all hell breaks loose.

Some shit happens when Jasper sees Bella and he jumps up knocking down his chair. Bella goes as white as a ghost and then bolts when Jasper takes a step toward her.

I'm not sure what to do but I decide to knock Jasper out… For what, I really don't know but it seems appropriate at the moment. Unfortunately Ethan steps in and literally picks Jasper up from the floor and shoves him into the wall. It's a little surreal since there are virtually the same size and almost cringe because I know Jasper isn't one to be pushed around and Ethan might just not make it out alive. "What the fuck did you do to my sister?" Or Jasper might not make it out alive.

I realize everything's quiet and I seek out Bella and notice she's nowhere to be found. All of this happened in a matter of seconds so if I hurry I can catch up with her.

I dash outside and look for her and see her literally running full force down the fucking road and she looks ridiculous but I don't think twice about following her.

"Bella!"

"Bella! Wait up!... Fuck." She's fucking fast and for a moment I consider quitting cigarette's because I can't fucking breathe.

I finally manage to catch up to her and grab her arm. I spin her around and when she looks at me I look go in an instant. The fear in her swirling eye's knocks me back a moment. She shakes her head and stumbles backwards.

"Pills… I n-need my pills." She mumbles while turning around and sprinting forward again but this time she's slower as she is also digging through her purse. I keep up with her by just doing a fast walk and kind of just watch her so she doesn't fall or something.

I notice we are in a hotel parking lot and when we get inside she's completely shaking as she reaches the elevator. I barley have time to see the hotel but it's fucking nice and I know it costs a pretty penny.

The door's open up as soon as she pushes the button. It was freezing outside but she's got a slight sheen of sweat covering her pale white skin. As she rushes inside I following and push the button to close the doors and I ask her what floor she's on but she doesn't answer, she doesn't really seem to even notice me, she just pushes the button and slams herself against the wall and fumbles to open the pill bottle.

Unable to watch her anymore I grasp her hands then slide the bottle into my own. She seems to get rigid but no other changes happen. Her breathing is still frantic and the tears keep coming. I pull one out and hand it to her but her eyes are closed and she isn't responding to my voice.

I'm starting to get desperate and decide to take control of the situation. "Bella…" I grasp her chin gently and rub with my thumb. "Open up please peaches." I gently pry her mouth open and place the pill on her tongue before I look up into her eyes. She looks so sad and I can't take it but I'm not sure what to do at the moment.

Once she starts chewing her gasping just turns into studded breaths. Her baby browns look like she's pleading with me and we hear the elevator ding. "Come on peaches, what's your room number?"

"235." It's all she says but it's a start. I put my arm around her shoulders in an attempt to just keep her together until we get into the privacy of her own room.

She steers me where to go but just like she did earlier she presses her face into my chest and inhales. It's the first steady breath she takes and I start to feel better. Once we get to her room she opens the door and immediately kicks off her shoes while she walks toward the bed.

I had let go of her shoulders so now I'm standing in front of the door not really sure what to do. I decide to bite the bullet and just follow her; the need to touch her again is my driving force.

"Bella?" Even though I'm just kind of following her I'm not sure if she wants me here or feels forced that I kind of tagged along.

She looks up at me and her face is pitiful. Her chin quivers and her eyes are blood shot, her entire body is folding in as her hands shake uncontrollably. "What do I do?" She's so fucking tiny at the moment and I act on instantly and wrap my arms around her and lay her on the bed with me.

She lets loose the floods and just sobs while I sit there and whisper words in her ear. Lots of 'its okay's' and 'you'll be alright' fall from my lips not really understanding what's going on but doing it anyway. Eventually she quiet's down but we never move except when I pull the blankets over us. I fall asleep at some point only to be woken up by the noises of heavy feet.

Once I open my eyes I see that it's pitch black outside and I search the room for a 5'something brunette that's causing all the noise that woke me up. When I see her she's not crying anymore but still just as frantic. I sit up and she finally looks at me and then goes back to whatever she was doing.

I look at the shit in front of her and it's a suitcase that has clothes shoved into it and falling out of it.

"What are you doing?" My voice is gruff and I'm still kind of disoriented. I hate being woken up. Fucking hate it.

"Sorry to wake you up. I'm leaving though. Do you need a ride home?" I don't think a chick has ever kicked me out before so this is a little awkward. Then I panic on the inside once I realize she meant leaving the city.

"The fuck. Leaving to where? Does Ethan know?" She avoids my gaze so I stand up and stand right in her way.

"It's none of your fucking business." She spits fire at me and I'm momentarily stunned at the acid in her voice but I've never seen her this riled up and its fucking hot.

"You can't just fucking leave, you just got here." I can't have her leaving again before I'm able to fuck her out of my mind. It may seem harsh but I've never dealt with these feeling before and all I know it that they are due to Bella.

She glares at me and pushes at my chest. When I don't budge it seems to piss her off even more. "Why the hell do you care? Are you going to run and tell Jasper? Is this what this is all about? He knew didn't he? Are you his fucking spy? Huh? Is that why you followed me? Oh my god… it is isn't it?" By the end of her rant she's screaming and punching my chest.

I grab her wrists and lower my head till were eye level. "Bella! Calm the fuck down. Do you know what your brother's been through dealing with you gone? Now you're just going to run away again and leave him behind?"

She shakes her head and her eyes well up again. "You don't understand… He found me. Then they'll find me… They can't Edward. Please they just can't." She makes my heart ache and I need to make it better so I grab her again and she raises her legs around my waist. I walk us to the bed and again tangle up together.

"It'll be alright. Just sleep and when we wake up we'll figure out what to do." More whispers of promises in her ear and she falls asleep. This time it takes me longer. I'm a little worried she'll run off again but I try and fall asleep until I remember her brother. I slip my phone out of my pocket and notice more than a dozen of calls and text from Ethan. Most of the texts are threats and others are just worried. I text him saying everything's fine and that I'll have Bella call him when she wakes up then I shut off my phone.

Whatever happens I'm not one to lie to myself so I already know Bella's in my life for good. I thought that maybe I could get her out of my head but being here made me realize that I wasn't going to let her leave without a fight.

Bella's was my fresh breathe of air and I'll be damned if I let anything destroy it.

* * *

_Nessieness_


	12. Awakening My Demons

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Enjoy!

Ch.12 Awakening My Demons

**Nervous Breakdown – Hawthorne Heights**

**I'm so over being sick**

**I'm so sick of this relationship**

**Go get a doctor and an ambulance**

**I need your kiss it's the medicine**

**It gets me moving going back and forth**

**Everybody grab a map and help me chart the course**

**I brought a compass, its reading north**

**It doesn't really matter if it's back and forth**

**I thought that I should tell you (Whoa)**

**My world is crashing down, again**

**I'm spinning round, calling out, I'm falling down**

**I'm spinning round, calling out, I'm falling I'm falling**

**I don't care; I don't care what you think of me right now**

**Cause I'm gonna have a breakdown**

**My only choice is to over react**

**Is this a voice or just a panic attack?**

**I need a doctor to help me try to relax**

**No one ever told me I was living too fast**

* * *

Bella POV

"Are you awake?" I heard his whisper again and I fought to stay still.

For the last couple of minutes he had been whispering my name and other things to find out if I was awake. Then he would shake the bed a little and ask again. I think he was actually trying to wake me up but wanting it to seem like an accident so I wouldn't be mad he was waking me up.

He let out a frustrated sigh and I felt him leaned back against the headboard. I pushed my lips together harder to keep my laugh in. I currently had my face buried in my arms and was lying on my stomach. This seemed to help because he couldn't really see my face.

"Jesus. She fucking sleeps like the dead." Edward angrily whispered again and I let out a small giggle before I clamped my mouth shut and squeezed my eyes closed.

"Bella?" I almost couldn't take it but I held still and quiet. "What the fuck!" Even as angry as he sounded he was still whispering and I lost it. I laughed but didn't move my face.

"You are awake! You were just fucking faking it?" I turned over still laughing a little and looked up at him to see him run his hand through his hair.

"Sorry, but you were really annoying. You just kept asking and then shook the bed. Seriously? It's obnoxious. I felt like you deserved to be ignored a little." I laughed again and this time snorted unlady like. Embarrassed, I covered my mouth with my hand and looked wide eyed at him.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me before getting up and shrugging on his jacket. I sat at up and smoothed over my hair. Looking down at myself I noticed my shoes were still on as well as my jacket. Looking over the room my suitcase was tossed in front of the bathroom door and my closed somewhat scattered around it.

"Guess I was really a mess huh?" I asked him quietly wishing it had never happened.

Edward cleared his throat and looked around the room. "Nah, usual night for me. I meet a girl at a bar and end up getting her into bed."

I stole a glanced at him as I got up and laughed a little. "Yeah. I bet you do." He didn't reply to that but continued to talk.

"You wanna tell me how you know Jasper?" At the mention of his name I froze from re-packing my bag as memories flashed before my eyes.

"_Psst!"I heard him tap on the small glass window. "Izzy! Come on dude! Wake the hell up."_

_I rolled over and stretch my stiff back as I glanced toward the only light entering my room to see a fifteen year old Jasper staring back at me. As I stood I could feel my legs protest but carried on anyway towards the window. Knowing he wouldn't be here if anyone was home I lifted up the window._

"_Finally! Hurry up and get dressed then come on out." With that he lifted himself from the grass and turned around._

_Smiling about my personal savior I switched my clothes to ones that fully covered my body and tied my tangled mess of a hair in a pony. I scooted a chair over toward the window to step on it and slid my body through it. If they actually fed me properly I most likely wouldn't be able to fit through the basement window. Quite ironic._

"_Let's go Jazz."_

"No." My voice turned to ice and I could feel the resentment building in my veins. Resentment for this town, for Tara getting knocked up and sabotaging my relationship with my brother, for Edward asking questions he shouldn't and for being so damn hot, and for Jasper, for his re-appearance in my life and especially his exit from it. I also felt it for Renee and Phil because they did this. This bullshit I call a life is because of them.

"Did he do something to you?" I stood up and glared at him for being so damn nosy.

He didn't look intimidated in the least but it was making me feel better. "It's more like what he didn't do for me. Now butt the fuck out of my business." Here I was fuming in his face, about a five inch difference in our height, but me holding my ground and what does he do? He laughs at me.

"Right. I fucking deal with your crazy ass last night and that's all the explanation I get?" He was getting upset and I reveled in it.

"My crazy ass? Nice. You're as asshole you know that?" He rolled his eyes then kicked my travel bag to the side letting everything inside spill onto the floor.

"What the hell douchebag!" He was seriously pissing me off. I stormed over and opened my door leading to the hall. "Get the fuck out."

Edward simply smirked looking please with himself and strode forward. Finally pleased he was listening I relaxed slightly and watched him as he passed me. Except instead of only leaving he suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me forward with him. I stumbled into the hall way and flipped around as he shut my door.

"What is wrong with you?" I noticed an older lady looking at us before scurrying into her room and I immediately felt uncomfortable. Being in this hallway already made me feel like I was gathering unwanted attention. Inside the hotel room it always felt like a sanctuary of sorts, walls blocking unwanted people out and it gave me a sense of security I couldn't find anywhere else because I was just another nameless faceless person buried behind walls with cheap wallpaper and stifled air.

"You need to see your brother because he won't stop fucking blowing up my phone and yours for that matter." He thrust my phone into my hand along with my purse and grabbed my hand before walking toward the elevators.

Nausea hit me as I thought of people seeing me, mainly Jasper. As he began pulling us into the elevator I tugged on his arm to stop but he simply pulled me harder and once we were inside his emerald eyes focused on me. "Edward, I can't. I'll call him immediately I promise but I can't go out there." I pleaded with him instead of fighting.

He continued to look at me as I nibbled on my lip. We never broke eye contact until the elevator doors opened. He shook his head angrily and pulled me out the doors until we were walking through the lobby and out the doors. Along the way my breathing sped up and my palms began to moisten. Being here so out in the open gave a huge possibility to being recognized.

I clutched his hand tighter and could feel the panic set in as I meet a by-standers eye. Glancing around there was too many people and at any moment Jasper could be here and everything I worked hard to hide from could fall around me.

I realized Edward stopped and looked confused as he stared at out linked hands. I finally noticed the tremors running through my hands and quickly pulled mine from his and ripped open my bag looking for my Ambient. Whimpering because my hands were shaking too hard for me to find them I started to back up in an attempt to further myself from anyone.

Edward stops me and thrusts a pill in my face before pulling a bottle of water out of my purse. I easily take them both and then look at Edward slightly confused. "I had your pills in my pocket from yesterday." He then steps closer and I'm suddenly consumed by him.

The way his hair has fallen into his eyes like always. How his brows are furrowed causing a couple light wrinkles appear that leads to his eyes that almost seem jade now. His lips are a little pursed but so very full and the stubble made me swallow thickly.

Glancing back at his eyes I saw his jades were trained on my own lips. Although every fiber of my being wants him I can't have him. Right now I need to get out of Chicago and getting attached to another person here was not going to benefit me in any way.

"Edward…" Even my voice was shaky.

"Yes Peaches?" He seemed distracted even though he answered me.

I closed my eyes and forced the words we needed to stop. "We can't do this." I felt him stop breathing for a moment but he didn't move.

"And why the fuck not?" I heard more than felt his arms move up and place his hands on the wall behind me effectively caging me in.

When I opened my eyes again he wasn't looking at my lips instead looking at my eyes again. "Because…" I wasn't quite sure what to say.

He nodded his head and started to retreat. "You're in love with Jasper. That's why you reacted that way…" He made this a statement and I was completely taken back for a second.

"No. I'm not in love with him. Why would you think that?" For the first time since we stepped out of the room my voice was steady.

He shrugged and smirked while fingering a piece of my hair. "I don't know peaches. You wouldn't talk about him and then tell me we can't make out… Even though I know you want to so I just figured…" He lingered off again and his ego was getting on my nerves.

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "How exactly do you know I want to? You sound very sure of yourself asshole." His eyes alighted with mirth and he stepped forward again effectively pressing up against me and I let out a studded breath.

"That's how I know." When he leaned down again I didn't bother to fight it. As his lips met mine I couldn't feel anything but him.

It was soft and not demanding completely opposite of his personality but once I gently slipped my tongue to slide along his bottom lip he completely took over. His hands fell to my hips as mine grasped his biceps. His mouth ground into my own and he took my upper lip into his own mouth and bit hard before groaning and glided his tongue in my mouth showing me his dominance. I whimpered and held onto him tighter as I angled my head to the right to give him better access.

Finally he bit onto my bottom lip and pulled as he ended the kiss. I stared up into his Jades and was still completely enamored by his looks. The way he looked dark and menacing sprinkled in with ironic humor held my attention like nothing else. I could still smell him, the way he smells of old spice and stale cigarettes. The taste of him still coating my tongue.

Although I let myself get lost into all things Edward, who I am was still a foreboding voice in my conscience. I felt the hate grip my heart and the fear tighten on my soul and I had to make him understand why we couldn't go further. "I don't even know you."

"I'm Edward, you're Bella, we've already met and you'll get to know me." As sure as always he answered me even when it wasn't a question.

I forced my eyes shut and finally let my hands fall until they clenched at my sides. Shaking my head I tried to get him to understand that I couldn't get to know him and I wouldn't let him get to know me. "I'm a disease Edward; I'll take everything you've got."

His quietness made my heart ache, even though I knew it was necessary. I was so focused on not breaking down in front of him that I jumped when I heard his voice right next to my ear. "Then I'll be your cure."

"_I said she doesn't like you!" Jasper pushed Nathan Anderson by his chest causing him to fall back a little._

_I rush forward and grab his left arm. "Jazz stop. Come on let's just go to lunch." I softly plead with him._

_Jazzy huffs and then looks over at Nate one more time. "Stop asking her out. She doesn't wanna date you; get it through your nerdy head." With that Jasper pulls me with him into the hallway and we continue onto the cafeteria._

"_You don't have to be so mean to him you know?" I'm frustrated at how harsh he was to Nate._

_His grey eyes find my own and he glares at me. "Why not? He's asked you out like five times this year, it's getting my nerves. I'm mean seriously Izzy how many times can you say no before he understands."_

_I shrug as we sit down with the rest of our 8__th__ grade class. "He's just really nice; I don't think you should bully him like that."_

_He wraps his arm around my shoulders while he apologizes. "Alright jeez. I'll stop. Why do you care anyways? Do you like him?"_

_I roll my eyes and chew before answering. "Like I said he's nice. If I was a different girl I'd say yes in a heartbeat."_

"_And why can't you say yes now?" His voice is quiet so nobody will hear us. He puts some more of his food on my plate like he always does so I can have somewhat of a good meal._

_I avoid his gaze and push my food around feeling to nauseous now to eat even if I'm starving. "You know why."_

"_No I don't."_

"_You know I'm not good Jazzy. I'm dirty and if we dated I'd get him dirty too, like a disease." I whispered ashamed of myself and hated admitting it because eventually Jazz will realize this too and won't want me anywhere near him._

"_You know that's not true Isabella. You're pretty and smart and lots of other great things I can't say because it breaks guy code but you're none of those things Renee tells you. Come on Izzy, don't let her get inside your head. Just a few more years and I'll take you away from here."_

_I laugh softly and smile at him. He always tells me of the great places he plans on taking me once we escape. "And where is that?"_

"_Somewhere with horses. Somewhere where there are no limits and were free. Nobody will tell us what to do and nothing we do will be wrong. We don't even have to stay there Izzy! We could visit everywhere and see everything. Fresh air Izzy. We'll get fresh air."_

My eyes snapped open at Edward as I shake the memory and I force myself to focus on his face. Some part of me unable to comprehend what he was saying while the other was blown away with what seemed to be his simple fix… How _he_ would be my simple fix.

I thought maybe he would laugh at the corniness of what he said and then it would seem like a joke but he held a straight face and those jades were ever serious as they stared into my brown eyes.

"You make it sound simple. I've been trying to fix myself for more than five years and it hasn't worked."

"No, you've been running from it. There's a huge difference." His voice was slightly hard but he didn't look or sound angry.

"And so what? You think the people here and this city is going to make it all better?" I scoffed at him while rolling my eyes.

He merely shrugged at my response. "Probably not. This city is like a life sucking whore but packing your bags up and bouncing around cities doesn't seem to be solving shit so maybe it's time for a change." Edward backed up and walked forward again.

I instantly looked at all the people and noticed a few stares on me and immediately felt my heart accelerate. Jogging a little I caught up with Edward and focused on my feet.

"So where are we going?" I realized my voice was quiet but I couldn't afford to draw attention to us seeing as we were only a couple blocks down from the Volterra.

"Like I said earlier your brother is driving me fucking nuts so we'll deal with him first… Do you want me to just walk you there or stay with you?" Edward seemed hesitant to ask.

I looked at his face to see if I could somehow tell if he wanted to stay or go but got nothing. "You pick."

"Nope. Your decision."

I groaned a little and huffed at his difficultness. "You can go. I'll deal with him." I gave him a complacent smile hoping to appease him.

His restless eyes search my face but he nodded anyway.

Edward stayed with me as I knocked on Ethan's door saying he wasn't going to leave until he was sure Ethan was home. I was more grateful than I could tell him.

As soon as I knocked the door was ripped open. "About fucking time."

Ethan glares at us and I immediately shrink into Edward not use to being on this side of Ethan's hostile gaze. He looks like shit. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair is in disarray. He's wearing gray sweats and a black wife-beater with no socks.

"Sorry-" I begin to apologize because I know I did this to him and I feel guilty but Edwards hardened voice interrupts me.

"I was fucking busy taking care of your sister who was also busy having a god-damned melt down. So fucking sorry we didn't fit that into your schedule." His voice was so different from the one he spoke to me in and I realize how deadly Edward could be if he wanted to.

"Fuck you. Where the hell do you get off thinking you can take her and use the pretense of helping her? I spent fucking hours trying to find her and you've got her all cozied up with you! Stay the fuck away from Bella." Ethan was just as menacing if not more as he spoke to Edward and grabbed my arm pulling me forward.

As I started stumble forward I felt Edward grab my other arm and steady me. "Don't fucking touch her like that!"

"She's my sister. Get your fucking hands off her!" Ethan pulled me forward again and I felt Edward tighten his grip on me.

"Hey!" I pushed both of them at the same time and wretched my arms back to my own body. "As much as I love playing tug-o-war Bella style I would like to actually sit down and talk. Now if you two could put on your big boy pants and knock it the fuck off we might be able to work this out." I gestured for them to walk into the house but they were stuck in some manly ass-munching stare down, neither of them budging.

"Fuck-twats! Let's get a move on! Neither of you is pissing on me to mark territory so this pointless. Let's go!" Finally they seemed to snap out of it.

Ethan flipped around and stomped into the house. Edward looked down at me and smirk causing me to narrow my eyes at him.

"Guess I'm staying." With that he strode forward, the epitome of calm.

Rolling my eyes I cautiously walked in.

Both were seated at the dining room table facing each other and I took a seat in between them. I let my eyes rake over Ethan's face and prayed he wouldn't make a huge deal about this.

"So where do we begin…" I giggled nervously as I said hoping to alleviate some of the tension.

"How about why you went home with Doucheward." I chuckled at the nickname as Edward glared.

"I didn't go home with him." Seemed simple enough to me but Ethan just cocked an eyebrow at me, silently telling me to explain. "I went to my hotel. Edward simply helped me calm down and made sure I wasn't going to slit my wrist while listening to Patsy Cline."

"You listen to Patsy Cline?" Edward spoke up in a disgusted voice.

I shrugged and went to answer when Ethan slammed his fist down on the table. My eyes instantly found his blazing browns.

"This isn't some kind of fucking joke." Realizing how serious Ethan was taking this I grew annoyed. I understood how much he had always protected me and had been the only person there for me for years but it wasn't that huge of a deal that I disappeared with Edward. In my opinion Jaspers presence took priority.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on or where I was. Edward was honestly just helping me, we didn't do anything. If anything you should be grateful to him. I was up and ready to skip town last night and call you once I had enough time to stop but he convinced me to stay for the time being. As for Jasper I don't want to talk about it. I'm not ready and I won't budge on this decision. I know your upset you haven't heard about him but he didn't seem necessary to bring up since I honestly thought he was just a memory in my past." I let out a breath at the end of my speech. Pretty proud of myself I looked up at Ethan.

His gaze had softened considerably and my ever-worrying brother was staring back at me. "Smellerella…" He sighed out my name almost seeming not sure of what to say.

I gave him a sad smile and shrugged one shoulder as I grasped his hand. "I really am sorry Ethan. It was just unexpected and I didn't handle it so well."

He nodded and then focused back on Edward. "Even if you did help her I want you to stay away from her." His voice was again hard as a rock. And he was seriously pissing me off with the macho bullshit.

Edward Just leaned back though and linked his hands behind his head. "To bad."

I saw Ethan tense up and he looked like a cobra about to strike. "Ethan honestly? You can't tell him that. Although I value your opinion this is my life and you can't go around controlling it like that."

Ethan looked at me again, his eyes imploring me to understand. "Bella you don't know him like I do."

I could hear Edwards chair scrape forward and I hurried to speak before he could. "And he doesn't know me like you do. We're not professing our undying love for each other Ethan. Were just friends so calm down. Besides I'm not staying so there's nothing to worry about." As I said this both sets of eyes flashed toward me.

I probably could have said that at a better time but I figured it would conjure the same reaction.

* * *

Blahhh. She's leaving again! Bella's the ever persistent pain.

Reviews maybe?

Till next week!

_Nessieness_


	13. Losing Whats Already Lost

Sorry I'm late! Costumes I had to make, add in Halloween and like the icing on the cake my cell phone was stolen… My week has sucked major asshole. But I wrote this as fast as possible and got it out to you! **WARNING! This chapter contains violence/abuse. For those of you who are light hearted read with caution.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

**Ch.13 Losing What's already Lost**

**Faithless – City and Colour**

**Please believe in what I say**

**Cause I'm running out of ways to convey**

**This lack of faith in myself**

**That's becoming my own personal hell**

**Vicious cold now settles in**

**My bones feel like their breaking through my skin**

**Well god damn you you're feeding on my loneliness**

**What an awful way to live, what a way to live**

**Get me out of this place**

**Cause I'm stuck in a rut and I can't stomach the taste**

**My lungs are filling up with dust**

**I feel bruised and broken with no one left to trust**

**Vicious cold now settles in**

**My bones feel like their breaking through my skin**

**God damn you you're feeding on my loneliness**

**But I will not let you in, I won't let you in**

* * *

Bella POV

After I dropped the bomb Edward left in a rush and then Ethan gave me the silent treatment. Which is really unusual. So I quickly walked back to my hotel room and finished gathering my items and tossed them into my car. I went back inside and gave the key and all that to them. Once I had everything I drove back over to my brothers hoping to make peace but instead I got Tara.

"Oh! Hi Bella." She gave me an awkward smile and gestured for me to go inside. I stepped inside and shrugged out of my coat. I looked her over as subtly as possible trying to see a prego-woman belly. She was wearing a black wool looking dress type of thing and a pair of grey leggings along with some black ballet slippers but I couldn't tell if she was showing yet or not.

I had to admit I was curious about the little alien growing inside of her. "Hey Tara, Sorry I haven't seen you much." I wiggled my hands nervously in front of me and avoided looking at her hoping for a reason to exit the apartment quickly.

She waved her hand at me and walked into the kitchen. "No worries, You've been a little busy lately." She looked at me out of the corner of her eye and started making something to drink for herself. "Want some hot coco?"

I shook my head at her and went to sit down in the same spot at the table I had been at earlier. "So... How's the whole baby thing going?"

I watched as her face lit up and she came bouncing towards me and sat down next to me. "The baby is doing really well. I mean it's only the beginning but you know. I'm so excited! and your brother has been just great. At first I wasn't sure how this was ever going to work but we've got a good thing going and so far so good." She continued to beam at me and it was borderline creepy. Like Cheshire cat creepy, eyes wide and a smile that's too big for the face it's on.

"That's great. I'm really happy for you guys." I was happy for them but I don't think I hide the small resentment I had been keeping a secret to well.

She leaned in and put her hand on mine and I jumped at the contact. "You know Bella, I never meant for this to happen. I know this must be hard for you. Ethan tells me you've been on the road together for five years and having him stay here with me must make you feel uneasy. I just want you to know that I do like him and that even though this started because of the baby I genuinely care for him." She looked into my eyes and I saw the honesty her words held but I knew first-hand how easily it was for me to believe the lies.

I gently removed my hand from hers and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "Yeah... Well I'm just glad it's working of for you guys. I really should get going. Do you know where I can find Ethan?" I stood up and she followed.

"Okay... I think he went to the store. It's the one right down the street on the left." She held the door open for me and I nodded my head and went to turn around before she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. I stiffened on impact and made no move to return it. "Bella... He's hurting to you know, he misses you all the time. I know you don't owe me anything but if I could ask you for a favor... Don't leave yet. Just stay a little bit longer for him." She pulled away then and gave me a small smile. I watched her as she shut the door and I turned to lean against the wall beside it.

As I let her words sink in I felt a baggage of emotion crash over me. Anger because she didn't understand that Jasper was here and I couldn't let him find me again. Rage because he did find me. Fear of staying and the unknown. Hopelessness for the fact that I'm going to run again. Bitterness that Ethan wasn't going with me. But most of all guilt. Guilt for Ethan and what I have and continue to put him through. Hatred for Renee and Phil… and Hatred for myself because I feel so lost inside my own head.

I numbly walked down the condo hallway and went to the elevator. When it dinged to alert me it was opening I looked up and saw a familiar set of eyes. "Ethan..." I couldn't seem to form words as I didn't know what to say. We had been so close since we met and for the first time we were beginning to lose each other.

His eyes gave away no emotion but he walked up to me as he carried a small paper bag. "Hey B. Whatcha doing?" He tried to be casual but It didn't fool me.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I just... This is the first time I've ever been confronted by my past. I don't know how to handle it. I've ran from it ever since I left and now I feel like I ran only to run straight into it. Seeing him... It just hit me like a wrecking ball. I can't see him again Eth. I don't want to leave, you have to know that. I miss you. I really really miss you but I'm at a loss at what to do." Standing in the middle of the hallway and whispering to him was probably not the best way to have this conversation. And what I wanted more than anything in that moment was for Ethan to wrap me in his warmth and brotherly embrace and to just feel safe for a second but even if he offered it I didn't deserve it.

"So how long can you keep running from it Bella?" He's never been this upfront with me and in that moment I knew Ethan wouldn't put up with much more. I shook my head and looked at the floor not having an answer for him because if I were being honest I would run forever if that's what it took. "If you're going to leave I won't stop you, but I want to know who he is. If anything I deserve an explanation." His tone was final but I knew if I refuse he would let it go. But he was right; this explanation was the least I could give him.

I pushed the elevator button and Ethan followed as I stepped inside. He followed me in silence but I felt his eyes searching my face the entire time. We got to Cherry and I unlocked the doors. I sat on the driver's side as Ethan got into the passenger side and put his paper bag into the back seat. I looked straight ahead not really seeing the others cars parked in the parking garage and dug up the memories I didn't bury very well.

"We really going to have this conversation here?" Ethan sounded almost amused about sitting in Cherry like we had millions of times but staying parked here at his condo.

"It's fitting." I gave him a small smile as I leaned my head back while I closed my eyes. "Jasper Whitlock..." I let his name fall from my lips and allowed memories to crash over my skin. "You know when you get those small boxes of Dots candy and you open it and all you get is the nasty flavors but you get that one good one. And even though your pissed about the yellows and oranges and greens because there horrible you can't help but be so excited about that one red one you got. Well Jasper was my one red Dot in a box of bad ones."

"_Now you're going to be a good little Marie for your teacher right?" Mama straightened out my dress as she spoke to me._

"_Yes ma'am" I looked around at the school and was so excited about being out of my room._

"_Very good. You have to line up at that door and do NOT make a scene when I leave like these other children or Mama's not going to be happy with you." Mama's words scared me and I knew I had better listen._

"_I'll be good. I promise mama." I saw her give me a hard look and looked at the floor knowing she didn't like it when I called her mama._

"_Isabella? I'm Ms. Cope your new teacher." Another lady said as she walked up to me. She was a little bit round and had very white hair._

"_Hi Ms. Cope." I told her as I smiled a little at her. I was nervous about this lady. Mama said there were people in the world who liked to hurt little kids and that's why she had to keep me locked away and I was nervous Ms. Cope was one of those people._

"_Are you excited for your first day at school?" She smiled at me and it didn't look mean like mama's usually did. I nodded at her and she told me to go inside and take a seat at any chair I wanted. As I walked inside I sat at the first chair I saw. A little bit later I was watching the other kids come in and saw that boy with the sunny hair. I always saw him at the house next to mine through my window. He looked around and then sat in the desk in front of me._

_I looked at him and he saw me too. He smiled so big and put his backpack on the desk. "Hi! I'm Jasper." He pushed some of his sunny hair out of his face._

"_I'm..." I looked at him confused because I wasn't sure what to say, mama called me Marie but Ms. Cope called me Isabella. And I never talked to other people so I didn't know which one was right and I didn't want mama to be mad if I said the wrong one. I got up and walked over to him and cupped my hand over my mouth and whispered in his ear so mama couldn't hear. "I think you can call me Isabella."_

_He laughed and looked over at me and his eyes looked like honey. "That's a long name. Can I call you something else?" _

"_Like what?" I didn't want to tell him about what mama calls me._

_He put his hand on his chin and tapped his finger. "Hmmm. How's about Izzy?" He looked up at me and turned his head to the side. I turned mine too and smiled at him._

"_Okay Jasper." He wrinkled his nose at me and shook his head._

"_No you gotta call me something cool too!" _

_"Oh. Um like Jazz?" His face turned into a smile again and he nodded a lot. He was so nice. "You're my very first friend." I told him because it was true._

_He stopped smiling and looked at me very serious. "You're my first friend too. We're gonna be friends forever, like batman and robin."_

"Ever since that day we were as inseparable as possible. I told him I lived next door and he would sit by my window and talk to me sometimes, we would even play pretend. Our friendship continued to grow. About a year after that he realized what was happening at my house."

_Jazzy sat outside my window whispering to me about how he liked trucks better than cars when I heard my name yelled from above. "Marie!" I could hear my mama crying and I knew it was bad._

"_Jazzy! You have to go! I'll talk to you at school!" I quickly jumped up and grabbed the window to shut it just when I heard the door bang open._

"_Marie!" I stood frozen as my mama came down the stairs. Her hair was messy and she had just stopped crying as she stared at me. "Why Marie? Why did you do this to me?" I didn't answer and she got madder. "Nobody will love me because of you! You did this Marie. If you were never born I could be happy!" She came towards me and grabbed my arm and dragged me to my bed._

_I started crying even though I know I shouldn't have because she gets madder. "You're a monster you know that? You ruined me... and you're so very dirty no matter what I do I can't get your filth off of me." She raised her hand and I tried to move back but she was faster. I felt the sting on my cheek and asked her to stop._

"_I'm sorry! please stop. I will be better I promise." I felt her hand grab my shoulder hard and push me. I crashed onto the floor and felt a little dizzy when my head hit the hard floor. I tried to focus on her but my head hurt so much. She started screaming again and I made my eyes open. She was walking back and forth with her hands pulling at her hair. I was getting dizzy again and before I went to close my eyes I saw a honey pair staring at me in horror._

_I shot up worried that she would see him staring into my window. If she saw Jazzy she might hurt him too._

"_Mama..." My chin wobbled as I tried to hold in a cry. She quickly turned around looked at me. Her face changed into a serene smile and she walked up to me and took my hand gently helping me off the floor._

"_Let's get you clean Marie." She brought me to the bathroom and turned on the water. When she put the plug in she told me to get undressed and she started humming. It was a sweet sound but I hated it, it meant bad stuff was going to happen. We watched the water fill up and I saw hot air coming from the water._

"_In you go Marie." I looked at her and then the water. As I got close to the tub I stopped._

"_It's gonna be too hot though." I saw her eyes change for a moment before she stood and picked me up._

"_Well you have to be clean. Hot water is the best thing to clean dirty things with. And you're very very dirty Marie." She quickly put me in the tub and I screamed when I felt how hot it was. I started moving to get out; doing anything I could to stop the pain. "Stop moving NOW." I cried but listened no matter how much it hurt because that was her scary voice. She grabbed a sponge that she used on dishes and put soap on it. _

_She hummed that song again and started to scrub my skin. I was in too much pain though. I felt like I was burning and I begged for her to let me out. She started scrubbing harder and it only hurt worse. My skin was so red and some spots she scrubbed had a little bit of skin that started to peel off. "Mama please! Stop!" but she didn't until she had scrubbed my whole body and the water had gone cold. Her eyes showed no emotion and her smile always stayed on her face as she hummed the melody to me._

"_Tsk. You're still disgusting. Always a monster Marie, how could I ever love a monster like you?" She left me in the tub as I continued to cry and told me to go back to my room. I dragged my cold and painful body to my room and pulled on my jammies. It hurt so much but I didn't want anyone to see how ugly I looked. When I crawled into bed I looked at my window and was very happy Jazzy was gone._

"When I went to school the next day I remember Jasper grabbing my hand and telling me she was a villain. That he knew villains because his father was one too." I chuckled as I remembered what he told me. "He said that if there are villains around then there have to be Hero's, and that he would be my hero and save me. He was such a cheese ball when we were kids."

I looked over at Ethan and he looked upset. He swallowed thickly. "God she's so fucking psychotic. I swear I could literally strangle that bitch." I knew he hated hearing about my past. "So what happen between then and now? Why don't you want to see him?"

I closed my eyes as I felt a few tears escape. "I can't- it's a long story Ethan. I'll tell you I promise. Just not right now. To make it simple though, he broke his promise and that broke me. I probably shouldn't be as upset and act the way I am about it but it was the biggest betrayal I've ever felt. The one person I had put all my faith in and held on a pedestal let me fall irreparably." I knew it wasn't an explanation but it was what I could give at the moment. "I know it may seem like I haven't dealt with the past because I keep running but you've given me something Ethan. You gave me hope, and that's something I never thought I'd get to have again. I put everything I had left into you and Charlie. You're all I've got and I've tried this whole time not to compare you to Jasper because your both very different but having him around brings me back to fearing that I've put too much faith in you."

He grabbed hand and I looked over at him. "You've never put too much faith me. I will never fail you Bella. Whatever he did I would never do. Do you understand me? Bella I'd give my life for you if it came down to it without any hesitation. Me staying here doesn't mean I care for you any less, I've wanted to just settle down for a while now even though I didn't plan on knocking Tara up this gave me the opportunity to do that. I love you doll face, more than you can imagine. If I had known about you I would have fought for you from the beginning. No matter what B I'm here with you till the end."

I nodded my head because I knew how much he meant those words. He just didn't understand that at the time Jasper had meant what he said to. People change and along with that their minds change with them.

I gave him a smile not letting him see the agony I was feeling. I loved Ethan very much and at that moment I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything in my power to make him proud.

"I'll stay Ethan. Not forever... But for a while." He beamed at me and I laughed at his childish face. He leaned over the seat and grabbed me into a hug. I tried to let go of the hell I'm putting self through in my own mind. Because inside I felt like I was going insane, a war raged between my mind, my heart, and my fear. I didn't think I could make it through this time. But of one thing I was sure… I would not let Jasper Whitlock get to me ever again.

"Switch me seats Smellerella. I've been itching to drive Cherry again." I pulled myself to the present and laughed as we switched seats.

"Like you had that itch that one time Crabby?" He abruptly stopped reversing and shot daggers at me.

* * *

Good, bad, mad, sad? Let me know.

Have a great one!

_Nessieness_


	14. Secret Secrets

A big thanks to my reviewers Msarkie and katiekat1117. You fed me the inspiration I needed to get this out by Monday!

****Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.****

Ch.14 Secret secrets

**Erased – Dead By April**

**Here is no one left to trust**

**Raise a lie, one that I can see!**

**Now reverse this enormous pain, for this life to remain**

**I am walking through, what you are to**

**Hold me close**

**This is what I see, emptiness in me**

**This is how I feel, this is what is real**

**I can't move back (What is now turning black)**

**I can't replace (What is being erased)**

**I crawl my way through every day**

**Raise your light**

**Give me a sign, light my path, take my higher**

**I am walking through fire**

**Standing alone, abandoned by fate **

**Walk me through**

* * *

Bella POV

"Hey which is better?" I held both items up as I showed Ethan.

He looked at me and then at the items and quirked an eyebrow before going back to what he was looking at. I huffed at him at placed them both back on the racks.

"You're useless. You won't help me at all." I saw him roll his eyes so I pinched his arm as hard as I could and appreciated his yelp of pain.

"Could you fucking leave already? You're like an annoying little ferret… Don't fucking pinch me again!" He sidestepped me as I went after him again.

"Then don't be mean to me." I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. He quickly reached forward and pulled my hair. "Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?" I rubbed the sore spot.

He shrugged his shoulders and turned around going back to what he was looking at. "Don't act like your five and I won't pull your hair like I'm five."

"You're such an asshole. Can you just pick one already. I seriously doubt staring at them for an hour is going to give you a magic answer." I bumped into his shoulder and stared at the items with him.

"This is a big decision Bella. What if she doesn't like it?" He was whining and I was getting even more annoyed.

"Please she's all over your junk she'll like anything you pick out. Besides you give her housing I doubt she'll be a bitch about it even if she doesn't like it." He pursed his lips at me and I laughed. "Look just pick whatever one you feel better about. It's just a crib Ethan. And where are you even going to put this?"

He scratched his head and squinted his eyes. "Well… I was going to ask her to move in with me."

I furrowed my brows because I was completely confused at this point. "Tara already lives with you dumbass."

He huffed at me and I noticed his ears turning pink. I couldn't help but smirk at his embarrassment. "I meant into my room. Stop fucking smirking you demonic freak."

I laughed fully in his face this time. "Jeez, what a huge fucking step; moving her shit across the hall. That's totally a big deal how will you ever get the nerve to ask her that?"

He grabbed me in a headlock and gave me a noogie as I fought to get away from him. "Fuck off Ethan!" Finally I freed myself and I felt a little bad for making fun of him.

"Ethan She'll say yes, I know it. Pick the crib you like the best and let's get this done and make your woman happy." I told him softly knowing it was a big deal.

He picked out a dark mahogany crib and picked out white bed sheets. It had an attached changing table. Once we got back to his apartment we wrapped it. Tara was getting out of work in an hour so I decided to leave.

"You can stay B. You helped me pick it out." He looked at me imploringly and I just shook my head.

"Naw, this is a special moment for you guys and a big step… Which will probably lead you guys doing it so I'd rather be gone before that starts. I'm gonna go look for somewhere to stay for the rest of my time here." I had stayed on the couch last night but I wasn't looking for a repeat. I needed the comfort of my hotel room and stale air and cardboard bed.

"Bella just fucking stay here." He was getting angry, I swear he's bi-polar.

"Nope. You know I like my hotel room. See you later big brother." I gave him a peck and the cheek and walked out.

I drove around for a while until I stopped at the least sketchy hotel available. I'll admit it was a little shitty… Okay a lot shitty but it was next to a condominium building and they had security so if I was gonna stay at a hotel that I could possibly be mugged at it was better to stay by one that had security just a single lot over.

After I got settled in I went for a walk…mind you I was shielding a pocketknife in my coat just for precautionary reasons. I eventually found a pretty large bookstore not too far from my hotel.

I searched the rows of hardbacks, leather bounds, and paper backs relentlessly. Starting in historical moving through classics and ending in cheesy romance novels. Only picking out a few to keep me busy. I stayed for a small while leafing through pages, running my fingers over spines.

I remember how I would rent fictional books and sneak them into my house. When I was left in peace in my room I would read them. Getting lost in the fantasy they provided, the way they would carry me into another dimension if only a few moments. I could feel what the characters felt and place myself in their shoes. There were moments when I read I could pretend I was them and simply forget the terror I lived with but they were fleeting and I was always reminded of the hell I had to bear.

I felt myself being pulled into that dark abyss were I kept my memories at bay. I took a haggard breath and trudge out of the library.

Stumbling outside I fought not to see her face. But it was always there, the way her eyes held a coldness that ice couldn't compare to. How she would hum to me with a smile always on her face as she punished me. I couldn't fight it because her face was engrained into me and my every thought and decision.

It was easier not to think about Phil. He wasn't always around and I never took to heart how he treated me as much as I did with Renee. Phil was just a product of Renee's neediness and she played him almost as much as she played me. But he was also an accomplice to her. Feeding off of her malice and my weakness to survive his own misery.

I marched toward my room passing through a few people being careful not to let them touch me. I caught a few stares but none of them held recognition and looked away as if my presence meant nothing. For this I was relieved, all I wanted was to not matter to anyone who didn't love me. It sounds silly but it's what I craved.

In some way I mattered to Renee but it wasn't love at all, as to where I also matter with Ethan but he loves me and that's where the difference comes in. If she had just an ounce of love or compassion in her my entire life would have been different. At least that's what I would like to believe.

I started to pass the condos next to my hotel and felt warm air hit me when the entrance doors opened. "Still in town I see." I heard a voice close to me say and I turned to the left a little to search for the person who said it.

Once our eyes met I nodded and clutched my books closer to me.

He quirked an eyebrow as he always does and stepped closer. "Wanna go with me? I was just about to go down the street."

I cleared my throat and contemplated this. Being an where near him was a bad idea; he had seen too much and was increasingly becoming my biggest concern almost surpassing Jasper. "Sure Edward." I turned back around toward the direction he seemed to be going in.

We were silent for a few minute as he finished his cigarette. I breathed in the scent and held it for a moment because it reminded me of Charlie. He always sat at the bench on his porch and smoked a cigarette slower than anyone I had ever seen. Although it's bad for your health it was always the most peaceful thing when I would sit out there with him and watch the wilderness.

"You like Thai food?" I chanced a peek at him and he was looking forward with a frustrated look on his face.

"Yeah, why?" My voice was quiet as winter continued to fall around us.

I felt his hand tugged me towards a door as he held it open for me to pass through. "Cuz that's where I was going to eat." I walked inside and was a little shocked that this was where he invited me to. I had assumed we were going to end up at a small liquor store or something like that but this seemed to personal.

It was a typical Thai themed restaurant. Booths sat along the walls and it was dimly lit while being covered in maroon's, browns, and yellows.

We ordered the food to go and sat on the bench to wait. As we waited we made idle conversation about what Thai food is better than other Thai dishes and how work was going for him. It didn't take long before our order was done and we were on our way.

"So you decided to stay." He cut our silence the moment we got outside.

I nodded and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Yeah, I'll probably be on my way in 2 week's maybe."

"Where are you gonna go?" His voice was steady and quiet. I was stealing glances at him from the corner of my eye and noted that his eyes always did a sweep of our surroundings every few seconds and his body held tension as if he was waiting for something to happen.

We were complete opposites. Where he was angry and prepared, always on alert to defend himself I was fidgety and anxious ready to run from any unexpected circumstance.

"I don't know." I grinned slightly because talking about being on the road was a comfort for me. "I never know until the day of or before I leave. Sometimes I just go on the road with a plan and end up somewhere completely different that I had wanted."

"Hmm." He hummed as he thought about what I said. We continued to walk until we made it back to the condos I assumed he came from.

"Thanks for buying me some food." I stood awkwardly in front of him. Kicking at the ground at an invisible rock to give me something to do.

"No problem. I'll walk you back, it's late out." He started to walk in the direction of my old hotel and I cringed slightly. I hadn't planned on showing anyone the hotel I had switched to and I knew if he saw where I was he would tell Ethan.

"Oh… Uh thanks." I walked with him figuring I would let him drop me off their and walked back once he was out of sight.

"So why do you always leave? I know Ethan wants you to stick around. It's all he fucking talks about." I tilted my head to the side as I decided what I could tell him.

"I just don't do the whole settling down thing. Ethan and I are totally different. Ethan's dad always prided himself about working for a living. He wasn't a misogynistic male but he liked that he worked for his house and was a provider and I think Ethan's the same way. I don't care to have a house I own, or raise a family or do any of that whole domesticated thing… I like what the road gives me."

I watch a woman with brown hair waving down a cab and stole a deep breath. Wrapping my arms around my stomach and tilting my head down gave me miniscule comfort. Taking one last peek at her I noticed she was looking around and before I could look away she caught my eye. I immediately tensed and began to tremble but I soon noticed the color of her eyes. They were Blue and she looked nothing like the woman she resembled in my mind a moment before.

"How do you make money to afford that?" I focused back on Edward and saw him looking at me with a childlike curiosity. I smiled because it was so different from his cold demeanor and I realized Edward was very layered in personality than he let off.

"I was given an inheritance and sometimes I work at bars and diners when I feel the need to." He nodded and came to a stop in front of my old hotel.

"Thanks again Edward. And thanks for walking me here." I looked at him from under my lashes and momentarily wondered what it would be like to feel him against me.

I watched as his tongue peaked out to lick his bottom lip before his eyes drifted along my body. As he took inventory of me I studied his lips. They were full and I could practically feel how it would be to feel them moving along my own.

"Yeah, So I'll see you around before you leave?" I forced myself to not act like a hormonally charged adolescent and I nodded.

"Yup. See ya later." I gave a small wave before I turned around and headed inside. I continued toward the elevators before taking a glance outside. I watched as he turned around and I began to walk towards the door. Once he finally turned the corner I opened the door and took a different street than we came here on.

It was slightly a longer way back but I didn't want to chance running into him. I kept to myself and avoided accidently bumping into anyone or meeting eyes as much as possible.

When I was almost there I heard someone yell out. "Hey Sexy!" There was only one other person around besides the person who yelled that out and he was an older man. The voice came from behind me and was gruff so I quickly stepped up my pace and didn't glance back.

I heard a little scuffle behind me and figured there were other people with him which only worried me further. After another two minutes or so I was in front of my actual hotel and was glad to not be bothered by the guy again.

I walked through the small parking lot and let out a relieved sigh when I saw Cherry still in good shape and not stolen. As I went to open my door a voice startled me enough to jump and drop my room card.

"What the fuck are you doing?" His voice was angry and I closed my eyes as I picked up my card, scrambling for an excuse.

I turned around and felt my heart quicken at the anger radiating off of him. His face was set in a deep frown and his eyes set into slits and he regarded me. I clenched my hands into fists trying to fight the growing anxiety because I irrationally feared his anger. I didn't believe he would hurt me but old habits die hard.

"Edward…" I couldn't even come up with anything so I tried reverse psychology. "Are you following me?"

"You didn't take your food so I turned around to get it back to you and surprise… there you were walking out of the building and down the street. It's fucking late Bella. Do you realize how dangerous it is in Chicago? Especially at night for a girl? I mean that asshole back there could have tried anything if I didn't fucking stop him." I noticed my food still in the bag in his hand and scolded myself for being so foolish.

"You stopped that guy?" I was stalling still trying to think up a reason for lying to him.

"Yes. Now why the fuck are you staying here?" He was still extremely angry and I was so cold I could barely feel my toes.

I turned around and unlocked the door and invited him. Sitting down on the bed I shifted awkwardly. "I switched hotels. The other one is really expensive and I don't want to waste the money when this one was just as suitable."

"Just as suitable." He repeated me incredulously. "This place is a fucking dump."

I let out a small laughed. "I've stayed in worse." His eyes widened before narrowing again.

"Why the hell did you lie?" His voice had lowered and although he hid it I guessed he was hurt I lied to him.

I shrugged and picked at my jacket. "I didn't want to deal with this. You can't tell Ethan." It was meant to be a statement but came out as a plea.

"That's the first fucking thing I'm doing. On second thought I'll let you tell him while I take you over there." He went to turn around but I interrupted him.

"I'm not going over there. I'm not staying with him." He looked me over with a hardened stare then nodded as he came to some type of conclusion.

"Fine. You can stay at my place, I have an extra room." I looked at him incredulously. He had seriously lost his mind. I didn't even know him!

"No. I'm not some charity case. Are you crazy?" It seemed like a reasonable question.

He huffed and ran a hand through his hair roughly. "Are you? If you stay here some shit is bound to go down. You could be mugged, kidnaped, raped, and murdered. The fucking list goes on. You're not staying here."

I adamantly shook my head at him and scooted back on the bed and crossed my legs. "Yes I am. You can't tell me what to do." I almost wanted to stick my tongue at him.

"Okay." He came and sat next to me and began to open our food boxes. I watched for minute as he placed mine in front of me and stabbed a fork into my Pad Thai.

"…What are you doing?"

"Eating." He shoveled a fork of food in his mouth and continued to chew even though there were still noodles hanging out of his mouth.

Completely disgusted by his manners I ignored it and continued to figure out why he was still here. "Yeah… I can see that unfortunately. Why are you still here?"

He finished chewing and looked at me annoyed. "Cuz I'm staying here."

"No you're not." Jesus, what is he two? I can't get a full answer from him.

"Look if you're not going to have some god damn self-preservation then I'm staying here with you until you leave." He said this so slowly as if I couldn't understand simple English.

"No. Not happening. No freaking way. You are crazy… This is not happening." I got up and started for the door hoping he wouldn't fight me and just leave.

"I'm staying, but to humor you why can't I stay?" He didn't really pay me any attention as he said this choosing to open his fortune cookie.

"Well how about the fact that I don't know you." He shrugged his shoulders so I continued on. "And my brother would completely loose his shit."

He laughed and quirked an eyebrow at me. "The only way your brother is going to find out is if he realizes where you're staying and since you don't plan on him knowing then he'll never find out and beside I really don't give a fuck what he thinks." He grinned at me and went back to his food before turning on the TV. "Well fuck, there isn't shit on this to watch."

I looked at him with wide eyes about to make him leave again before he interrupted me. "I'm staying. You don't want me to then stay with your brother."

I couldn't believe him. He was practically blackmailing me! And I told him so. "You're blackmailing me."

He chuckled and stood up taking off his shirt. "Yeah, blackmailing you so I can keep you safe. How fucked up of me." He then took off his pants and I couldn't help my eyes roam over his tattooed form. "You gonna eye-fuck me all night Peaches?" I blushed furiously to which he laughed loudly at as he got into bed and laid down.

Edward fell fast asleep but I couldn't because I realized I was getting attached to him and last time I got attached to someone I had to let them go… There were too many things happening and most of them had to be kept as secrets, secrets that were slowly eating me alive.

* * *

Lots of ways next chapter can go… we can have a Jasper moment, maybe some more into Bella's past. A little more about Edwards past, maybe Ethans POV… so many possibilities. If you have an opinion in what you would like in next chapter let me know!

Its also been brought to my attention that no body knows what tune Renee hums to Bella... Would you like to know?

_Nessieness_


	15. Baby Steps

A/N: This Chappy is just kind of a filler chap. Made of sweetness and quality time I think Bella needed because this story is gonna start to get rocky.

****Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.****

Ch.15 Baby Steps

**Searching, Seeking, Reaching, Always – We Came As Romans**

**I'm always searching.**

**This path's not easy to walk upon.**

**I'm always seeking.**

**Knowing that I'm eager to carry on.**

**I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more.**

**I'll be better than before.**

**Reaching for something more**

**So if we keep seeking out what is right,**

**moving on after being set back,**

**searching out what keeps us strong.**

**Searching out, and always building up the things that we lack.**

**This path we choose is not the easiest to walk upon**

**And knowing that I am more eager to continue on**

**because I know that when I reach the end**

**I'll be better than before**

* * *

Bella POV

I stared into the empty lot through the window. I was sitting in an uncomfortable and well-worn chair right next to the air conditioner. My body was freezing, so cold that I shivered will every stroke of cold air that hit me. I couldn't find it in me to care though. I could barely break through the haze of medicated and self-loathing to care about anything.

All I could think about was Jasper. I wondered if I would ever see him again while I was in the city. I knew it was a strong possibility but it was a possibility I didn't want. I could live the rest of my life in bliss without seeing anyone from phoenix again. Although, if I were being honest if I had to see someone, Jasper was my safest bet.

But all the pain was still so raw. Like reopening a barley made scab. It stung in the worst of ways and that pathetic betrayal was still ever-present.

_As I walked through my high school cafeteria I searched for my best friend but found no sign of him. I continued to look barely stopping to say hi to anyone I knew along the way. Once the bell rang I made my way to class, I knew I could wait outside and if I didn't see him enter by the second warning bell then he hadn't been here all day. And once the warning bell rang and still I didn't see him a sense of dread came over me._

_I ran from school and continued running to the two blocks to our houses. Out of breath and fearing the worst I had finally made it. Not caring about any consequences that might ensue I pounded on his front door. When no answer came I snakingly gripped the door handle and turned, but it was locked. I moved the front door mat and grabbed the spare key. _

_Once the door was open and I stepped inside I knew my fears were true. Glancing around I saw no furniture, no personal items at all. Unable to believe my eyes I moved down the hall and opened the door on the right._

_Praying that this wasn't a cruel joke I looked inside and realized it was real. Everything in Jaspers room was gone._

_Jasper was gone._

"What could you possibly be staring at outside of a shitty hotel window?" I jumped as Edwards raspy and sleep induced voice cut through to me.

Without looking away from the window I felt obliged to answer him honestly. "Jasper."

I didn't hear anything for a few moments except some rustling of the sheets and hard padding of feet hitting the aged carpet coming my way. They halted and I listened as he sat on the bedside closest to me.

"What about Jasper?" I knew he would ask but I wasn't sure how to answer this time.

I shrugged. "Just the past." Being vague but I hoped he would just accept it.

"So who exactly was Jasper in your past?" His voice was as careful anymore and much more guarded.

I sighed and let my eyes linger outside one last time before I stood up and turned to face Edward. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows resting on his knees. He looked up at me with his eyebrows reaching to his hairline and a hard look on his face.

For a moment I couldn't think about anything else besides running my hands through his think hair and sliding my tongue on his pierced eyebrow. I felt desire sweep into me and my body flush with desire. It had been awhile since I was truly with someone and Edward looked like he would make it worth my while.

Noticing my change in demeanor Edward narrowed his eyes and smirked at me. I clenched my jaw and scoffed at him. Walking next to him I crawled back into the bed and slide myself under the covers. Bringing my blanket past my head I felt myself calm in the darkness and warmth that surrounded me. "My best friend." As soon as the words came out I cringed at how child-like and pathetic it sounded.

"I didn't understand a word you just said. Why are you under the blankets?" He started to moved and in seconds he slide into my simple cloth made safe place. He raised his arm to hold the blanket above us and I could see his face from the sunlight streaming in.

"I said he was my best friend… when we were kids." I stared at him taking in his eyes. They were such a deep emerald and were sprinkled in with golden flecks. I looked down and say a few freckles parading across the bridge of his nose; I continued down and took in the rugged hair growing from his lack of shaving.

"And what went wrong?" I watched as he distractedly roamed over my face just as I had a second before. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me.

Giving him a tight lipped smile I gave the best answer I could. "What didn't go wrong?" I gave out a derisive laugh. "He broke his promise to me. He said he would never leave but he did. I waited. I waited for him to come back or even for a letter just something… anything from him but he never came." Pain encompassed me again and I clenched my eyes shut as I felt my breathing start to speed up. "Everything was so much worse after he was gone. I know I shouldn't blame him but I can't help it. I relied on him and he was just gone."

I had lost control of my emotions and I covered my face with my hands as I silently cried into them. "I'm sorry Edward." I wasn't sure if he could understand me but I was embarrassed for being one of those girls who cry's all the time.

I felt the blanket fall back onto my head while arms slipped around my body. "You should know that I don't know the first thing about being comforting. And if he made you that promise and he broke it then you have every right to blame him." I felt his breath fall across my ear as his he whispered to me.

"It was out of his hands. He really couldn't have stayed if he wanted to." I knew this was the truth but I needed the anger I held all these years at Jasper to keep myself moving forward and never looking back.

"Then he shouldn't have made the promise if he couldn't keep it Bella." Edwards's voice was firm and I refused to argue with him about Jasper so I whipped my face and continued to lean into Edward for comfort while I changed the subject.

"I think I want another tattoo." Edward stilled and then cleared his throat.

"What do you want to get?" His breathing was a little shallow and his voice was back to that rough sound.

I thought for a moment before I spoke. "Some clocks, the ones with the sand falling in them. Maybe have it broken open and the sand falling out. I want to put it on my upper right arm." I took a deep breath and reveled in his scent.

"Nice. When do you want it?" His hand started running up and down my back and I have never felt so content in my entire life. As much as I welcomed this feeling it was drowned by fear of how close I was getting to Edward.

Trying not to let him feel my new found insecurities I just shrugged against him. "Whenever Jaspers not there."

I felt his chest rumbled with laughter before I heard it. "He's outta work tomorrow." It seemed like unspoken knowledge that Edward would be the one giving me my tattoo.

"Okay. What time?" I started to move up and remove myself from his arms and the blankets that had still been covering our entire bodies.

Edward stood and stretched one hand over his head and the other scratching his stomach and over a tattoo of what looked to be the headless horseman. "You can just go in with me since I'll be with sleeping over again." He raised an eyebrow at me when I huffed at his comment but didn't refute him. I nodded and went to my bag to grab some clothes out for the day. "So what are you gonna do today?"

"Hanging out with Ethan. I plan on taking advantage of his Xbox he recently got." I grinned up at Edward feeling giddy about playing a video game for the first time in five years.

He laughed and put his clothes back on and walked towards the bathroom. "Well hurry up and get ready cuz I still gotta get clean clothes from my condo." I figured he wouldn't let me leave by myself so this didn't surprise me.

Once I was ready we had walked out after switching numbers and promises to stay with Ethan until Edward got out of work before I went back the hotel. Soon I was at my brothers and thankfully this time Tara wasn't here and within an hour we were completely induced into the game Call of Duty. For my first time playing I felt like I was doing great.

"Take that! Suck on it asshole!" I jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs as I killed someone. The feeling was invigorating.

Ethan laughed from his seat on the couch. "Calm down Bella. Focus! Jesus you've almost died like twenty times already. Next time I won't revive you."

Not listening to him I ran out into an open area and began shooting away not really focusing on any specific enemy until I heard the dogs barking in the back ground. A tale-tale sign one was gonna run up at attack any moment. I squealed and ran my character back behind Ethan's. "Kill it Ethan! Fucking Dogs!" I can't explain it but they scared the shit out of me and gave me major anxiety so my big brother took care of it. Isn't he sweet?

"God damn it Bella. Just fucking shoot them. I'm saving your ass every five seconds." He huffed but still shot at the beast that was about to jump on him.

Ignoring him I continue to play as well as continued to die, eventually they overtake us and we get slaughtered. "That was fun! Let's do it again." I'm practically vibrating with the rush of playing.

"Let's go get something to eat B then we'll play when we get back." I pouted at him and widened my eyes hoping he would let us play again. "Get the hell up Smellerella. We can play later." I got up and pushed past him still pouting we couldn't play more.

An hour later we ended up at Dave & Busters. Sitting down in our booth and eating our food Ethan started hitting the hard topics.

"So what's going on with you and Edward?" Choking on my food I quickly grabbed my drink and chugged it down.

"What are you talking about?" For a moment I feared that he knew that Edward was staying with me.

Meeting his curious gaze I noticed how he worried his lip before answering me. "We'll not only did you stay with Edward after you saw Jasper but when Tara went to work the next day Jasper hounded her for answers about you but Edward stepped in and to put it mildly told Jasper to keep your name out of his mouth. Edward's not typically one to get in the middle of drama like that. And since then Edward makes sure nobody talks about you."

My eyes widened and I was shocked. I knew Edward seemed a little protective but I figured it was because of where I was living, I had no clue he continued to be that way even at his work. I was more than flattered but I was worried what this meant. "Nothing's going on between us… He was there the night I freaked out about Jasper, he's just respecting me."

"Respecting you? Please." He scoffed at me. "Edward does not respect woman. Especially ones he doesn't know or care about." I looked down because his words stung and hit me harder than they should have.

I lifted a shoulder and pushed around the food on my plate. "I don't know Ethan."

I heard him sigh and then speak up again but this time on a subject I didn't want to discuss for the second time today. "If you don't know anything about Edward then tell me about Jasper."

I didn't know why he was being so hard on me today. He's never been this way before but I wasn't going to let him intimidate me. Ethan knew very little about my past and I intended to keep it that way, it would only hurt it to know.

"Jasper and I were best friends as kids. He knew about what Renee and Phil did to me and was always there for me. I just don't want to have anything to do with my past before you and Charlie and Jasper is included in that even if he was my friend." This wasn't the complete truth but I certainly wasn't lying.

"That's it?" I looked up at my brother and saw his concerned studying my own. It was eerie like looking into a mirror because our eyes were so similar.

"That's all that matters." He nodded and pushed his empty plate away staring off into space no doubt running over what I said.

I continued to eat and after a few moments of gathering his thoughts he uttered his next words very carefully. "Maybe you should talk to him. It could help you heal."

My heart leaped into my throat because I couldn't imagine trudging up the past with Jasper. I looked at Ethan with panic unable to comprehend that he was actually saying this. "No- just no. I can't even... He could- Ethan you don't understand. He knows then they could find me… I can't talk to him. I-" I was encased in the protective arms I have come to depend upon so much and started to calm down as I let brother hold me.

"Alright little sister. Don't even worry about it okay? Hope about I whoop your ass in some arcade games." My breathing was evening out and I forced myself to focus on his voice, allowing him to pull me from my anxiety.

I nodded against him and he pulled me up and cradled me into his side as we walked toward that games. I clutched onto him for dear life and listened as he told me how he is 'fuck-awesome' at table hockey and virtual fighter. I began to loosen up and laugh at him.

Once we began playing the games all tension was gone and I just let myself be because in these moments it felt like we were making up for the childhood we lost together.

* * *

Short but sweet and necessary.

_Nessieness_


	16. Something To Protect

Is there really anything to say to explain my absence? No. not really. So please enjoy this chapter and hopefully I'll be back soon with more :D

****Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.****

Chapter 16 – Something To Protect

**Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Aparatus**

**How this world turns cold**

**And breaks through my soul**

**And I know, I'll find deep inside me**

**I can be the one**

**I will never let you fall**

**I'll stand up with you forever**

**I'll be there for you through it all**

**Even if saving you sends me to Heaven**

**It's okay, it's okay, it's okay**

**Seasons are changing and waves are crashing**

**And stars are falling all for us**

**Days grow longer and nights grow shorter**

**I can show you, I'll be the one**

* * *

Edwards POV

I focused on the tail as it curved and settled around the blade. Making sure it shaded underneath so it seemed to be hovering in the air. I knew I wouldn't be putting color in today so this was the last part of the tattoo I going to be doing.

"Looks like were finished for today." I let him know as I started to wipe the tattoo down, removing all the excess ink.

I heard him groan before replying. "That shit stings man."

Laughing at him I moved so he could get up and look at it in the mirror. "Don't be a pussy."

"Shut up E. This looks great man; I'm stoked to get this finished!" He let me know before allowing me to cover it up.

"You know what to do Todd. Lemme know when you want to finish it alright?" He was one of my usual's and I had done most of the work that was covering him. We continued to talk as we walked toward the front of the shop.

As I grabbed the money from him I heard the door opening chime and I looked up to find Bella walking through the door looking like a skittish little cat. Although it was fucking cute in a way she really needed to at least start looking more self-assured.

Her eyes scanned over the shop quickly before settling on me. She gave me a nervous smile while her hands continued to wring back and forth.

"Ed?" I looked back up at Todd and saw him smirking at me so I narrowed my eyes. He laughed and looked over at Bella, where she was hovering near the waiting area. "That your girl?" I took a deep breath and started to shake my head no until he continued talking. "If not, I can make her mine."

"Get the fuck out." There's not a fucking chance I would let that happen.

He laughed and leaned forward toward me. "You better make her yours soon then or you're going to have some competition."

I squared my shoulders and could feel myself getting into defensive mode. I beckoned Bella over with my hand before I regarded Todd again. "Try to get Bella and I'll end you." I raised an eyebrow at him and he only laughed harder before walking towards the shop door.

"Hello princess." I watched as he stopped in front of her and I gripped the counter in front of me.

She immediately backed up a step and I watched as she carefully regarded him. She nodded at him but hadn't said anything yet. Her frightened eyes glanced over at me and I started making my way over to them.

"I'm Todd." He put his hand out to shake and I noticed her breath speed up and indecision splayed across her face. I was getting pissed off because even though I knew he was doing this just to annoy me he was also completely oblivious to Bella's turmoil right in front of him.

I shoved him over towards the door as soon as I got close enough. "Fuck off douche bag." I stepped past him and tossed my arm across Bella shoulders and pull her towards the front counter. I felt her hand tightly grip my shirt and listened as she got her breathing under control.

I vaguely heard Todd laugh as he opened the doors. "See ya later Ed."

"You ready peaches?" I quickly address Bella to help distract her. I can't help but be curious as to why she's always so scared and caved in on herself. I have no clue how she lives like that and am slightly angered by the fact that she lets her fear control her so much.

She had come in with me this morning to get her tattoo since I drew it up last night in her hotel room but I realized I had the appointment with Todd. She ended up leaving to Ethan's for a few hours to kill time.

I let her go and grabbed the stencil. "Come on." We walked over to my area and I started prepping everything as she sat down.

"Hey little B!" Emmett's voice broke through the music that filled the shop and I rolled my eyes at him. I had warned him and especially Alice to not bring anything personal about Jasper up, I was slightly worried that Bella would freak out just knowing that Alice was here but Alice had yet to leave the office since she was going over some of the admin shit.

"Hi Emmett." Her timid voice a stark contrast to his burly one.

"So Edward has something he wants to invite you to but he's been to chicken shit to do it." My anger quickly rose and I looked over at Emmett. I could see the amusement on his face and immediately wanted to knock his ass out.

"There's no reason to invite anyone because I'm not fucking going." I practically growled at him and willed him to shut the fuck up.

"You're going dude you don't have a choice. And Little B is going with you because you seem to behave when you're around her." I looked at him slightly confused because I'm the exact same person and haven't changed just because Bella is here. He laughed at me and went back to tattooing the guy in front of him.

I chanced a glance at Bella and saw her staring at her hands. "So I guess you're going with me. My aunts having this little party thing and were basically required to go." 'Little party thing' was an understatement but I didn't want to overwhelm her.

She looked up at me before looking back at her hands and shaking her head. "It's fine Edward, you can invite someone else."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I wasn't going to invite anyone because I didn't want to stay for long. But if I know Emmett then he's already told my Aunt that you're going and she's going to be on my ass if you don't show up." Part of me wondered what my Aunt would think of Bella and I had no doubt that she would love her.

Her hawk like eyes scan my face taking in everything she can. I have my poker face on but I wonder if she sees through it. I wonder if she realizes that I can't wait to see her dress up. Watch her walk in heels that lead to her slender ankles, the ones that I will want wrapped together around my waist after I sneak her to some random hallway.

I don't want to tarnish her and I know that if I get too involved with her then it'll be inevitable, but I've seen the way she looks at me and I know she wants me, maybe even as much as I want her. I also can't stand the idea of anyone else doing those things my mind conjures up to her, just the thought of it angers me.

"Are you sure Edward?" Her voice is timid and reminds me of her innocence which only fuels my rage of someone taking advantage of her.

"Yes Bella. I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't sure." I know my tone is harsh but I'm making myself angry with all the fucking thoughts. Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe she was the one who didn't want to join me.

I look down at her and step closer until were mere inches apart. Her skin looks so porcelain soft and perfect I can't help but drag a single finger from her temple to her chin. I smirk as I hear her inhale and breathe stutter for a moment, I lean in and brush my lips against her ear and whisper "Unless you don't want to go with me?" I pull back only slightly until our lips are just a breath apart and stare into her brown globes and I raise an eyebrow. I'm playing dirty but I don't want her to say no.

She nods a little and her eyes are stuck on my own. "I would like to go with you."

"Good." I quickly shove her hips just enough so she loses her balance and falls backwards onto the tattooing chair. I shoot her a grin and chuckle at her yelp which is accompanied by a glare and begin to prep for her tattoo.

We quickly get started and for the first half hour were both just quiet. I focus on all my line work and she just watches. Her gaze alternating between the gun and my face. I don't say anything when I feel her stare I just let her pick apart whatever is going on inside her mind.

"How you doing?" I glance over her face as I dip the gun into the water and drop some more ink into another cup.

"Fine." She smiles a little and I know the line work is hurting but I don't say anything about it yet. As I begin again I feel her stare even more intensely. It's almost like I can feel her curiosity stirring moments before she even speaks. "Edward?"

My eyes shoot up quickly before focusing again. "Yeah?"

"Can I ask you some questions?" I furrow my brows in confusion of why she needs my permission to ask me something. I just shrugged my shoulder and continue.

"How did you end up working here?" I toss out a loud laugh as I sit up because I hadn't expected this sort of questioning at all.

Her face flushes and I almost think she's going to apologize for being nosey before I see her shoulders square and a façade of confidence clouds her features. I smirk a little, proud of her for being bold even if it's over something ridiculous like this. It makes me really want to bang her right now.

I start working again and answer her. "I was working at another shop, the one I apprenticed at but it ended up closing down. I hung out with this crowd back then and this guy James was loaded. We'll his father is but he dips into daddy's money whenever he wants. Anyways, I told him the shop was closing and I needed to find a new job. I actually owed James some money at the time so he worked out a deal with me. If he bought the shop I'd work for free the first year to pay back my debt and after that I'd get a steady paycheck." Memories flooded my mind ones I'd rather push back. I kept my head down and eyes focused on the tattoo as I slid the gun over her skin hoping she doesn't question the story. I pretty much gave her the PG rated version of the story brushing over nearly all of it.

"That seems difficult. I mean working a year without pay…" I nodded remembering how I did whatever I could to eat day to day.

"Yeah, I did a lot of odd jobs whenever I could. Living off of top ramen and tap water." I laugh little before continuing. "I use to think I was never going to get out of that position. To be honest the only thing that's really changed is that I have a nice place and instead of tap water it's now bottled."

I clean her up and let her know I'm gonna run and grab water for both of us. It doesn't take me long but it's long enough for me to realize it was a mistake to leave her unattended because as I round the corner I see Alice blocking my view of Bella.

I quickly walk faster and interrupt whatever Alice is saying. "You ready to start again Peaches?" I skim over her face as I hand her the water and notice the sheen of sweat starting to appear. Her eyes are darting back and forth between my own and her breaths are coming in a little shallow. The pleading look in her eyes makes my skin crawl. I have to swallow to get control over my own emotions because seeing her panic almost makes me panic for her.

"Did you need something Alice?" My eyes are solely focused on Bella as I ask Alice. Basically wanting her to walk the fuck away from us before I get any angrier at her.

"Yes, I was Just-" She started to talk but she had obviously misunderstood that I wanted her to leave.

"Leaving? You were just leaving?" I looked over my shoulder and cocked an eyebrow at her.

Finally getting the hint she huffed and stormed out of the room. Looking back at Bella I noticed her body tremble slightly and I ran a hand down her shoulder almost as if to soothe her.

"Can we just finish it later? I-I think I'm all tired out for today." She gave me a nervous laugh and pushed some hair behind her ear.

I nodded only because we did do a lot of work today and going for more might be too much on her body. "Alright. You leaving now then?"

She looked at me and was about to speak before we were interrupted. "Ed, there's a customer here to see you." Rosalie's voice filling the air.

"Stay here." I quickly walked out to see the customer but no one was here.

"Edward please just let me speak to her. Please please please!" Alice whiney voice came from behind me and I realized no one was here to see me she just wanted a chance to convince me to let her speak to Bella.

"Are you kidding me?" I growled out getting angrier by the minute. "No." I started to stalk back to the room before Alice raced her way back in front of me.

"Please Edward! It's not like I'm asking her to meet with Jasper. I just want to know what's going on! Jasper won't talk about it and he's been a mess these last couple of days. He's my husband I have a right to know." Her voice ending in a menacing tone that I didn't appreciate directed at me at all.

I lowered my face and looked directly into her eyes making sure there was no misunderstanding when I spoke. "Then maybe you shouldn't have married a man that you didn't fully know. What's going on between them is between them. If you really want to know then Jasper should tell you. Leave Isabella out of this. I. Mean. It." Emphasizing my last words I looked for any confusion on her face.

She huffed at me and stopped her foot much like a child would do, then crossed her arms. "I want to know what's going on!" Her demeanor didn't really surprise me since Alice has always been a spoiled brat.

I rolled my eyes at her and continued to walk to the room "Then tell your husband that."

Inside the room again I looked at Bella who was curled up on the chair. "Wanna go home peaches?"

Her brown eyes slowly met mine and the sadness in them nearly crippled me. She nodded and got up to stand next to me. I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into my side as we made our way out. "I'll be out for the rest of the day." Without another glance we left.

On the walk back to her hotel we were silent and I didn't mind it one bit. Normally it would be awkward with just silence but it was comfortable to just be for once. When we got inside she slipped beneath the blankets and I immediately followed suit.

We laid there for ages. Her in my arms and me curled around her tiny body. I wasn't used to this, this closeness with anyone. Not family, not friends, not women, not anyone. Bella though, she was a different story. This small frightful girl seemed to slip through the cracks of my protective barrier I had caged myself in and I didn't seem to mind.

Something about her soothed me in a way I had never been before. Even though I was protecting her most of the time she seemed to be the one thing I could get lost in and completely trust. I wanted her to know everything. All about my personal agonies and lifelong tragedies. I wanted her to know how hard I worked to get to where I am and the hopes of where I wanted to go.

So as she lay in my arms that night I promised myself to help her in whatever way she needed. Because without realizing it she's help me in ways I didn't know I needed.

"Edward?" Her voice blaring against the silence that had become of the room even though she spoke so softly.

"Hmm?" I was scared to do anything that could interrupt this new found peace I had within myself because of her.

She shifted ever so slightly and I felt her eyes boring into me. I tilted my head down and looked into her piercing gaze. She lifted just enough to brush her lips against mine and I took the opportunity to press mine more forcefully against hers.

As we shared bated breaths and whispered kisses she moved to straddle me and yet never ended out kiss. As my hands reached down to take hold of her hips I realized I'd do anything to never lose this feeling she gave me and I wasn't even sure what that feeling was.

* * *

How was it?

_Nessieness_


End file.
